Home's the Farthest Way
by ReeraTheRed
Summary: Sequel to The Wounded. When a semicure for werewolfism goes wrong, Lupin is transformed into a woman, and must either choose to stay in that form, or lose the benefits of the cure. RLSS COMPLETE. Totally AU now after Half Blood Prince.
1. Chapter 1

Title: Home's the Farthest Way 

Chapter: 1

Author: ReeraTheRed

Date: November 8, 2004

Rating: PG13

Summary: When Lupin is offered a werewolf cure, he dreams of no longer living in dread of hurting or killing an innocent person. But will things go smoothly? RLSS, romance but NOT SLASH.

Disclaimer: Everything in this chapter and all subsequent chapters is the property of J.K. Rowling. I'm just having fun.

Acknowledgements: Thanks to Patti and Michelle for beta-reading

Author's Note: I'm going to spell it out right now: this is a romance. It will NOT be SLASH, but it will be between Lupin and Snape (so you have a pretty good idea of something that might go wrong with the werewolf cure). This is for those of us who would like to see a heterosexual relationship involving either of these guys, but hate Original Character stories. (I have nothing against slash, by the way, and might do a slash story with these guys as well - I'm just tired of only reading slash.)

This is a sequel to a fan novel I've written called "The Wounded", which is a sequel to another one I've done called "Practically Brothers." If you don't want to read them, what's been established is: Lupin and Snape have a strong friendship, it is now Post-Voldemort (the good guys won), Snape has gone into therapy, and has the ability to turn into a rather disturbing looking dog - so this is no longer a true canon Snape, this is OnAntiDepressants!Snape. Or PostTherapy!Snape, take your pick.

This is NOT HALF BLOOD PRINCE COMPLIANT (oh, it is so AU now), but it is compliant up to Order of the Phoenix

This story starts about nine months after the events in The Wounded.

* * *

Chapter 1 

Lupin peered into the Hogwarts staff room. It was empty. He quickly stepped inside, breathing a sigh of relief. There were entirely too many strangers in the building right now, but they were unlikely to find him in here.

He saw a flash of movement across the room and froze. Then he relaxed. It was just his reflection in the mirror.

He paused for a moment, looking at himself. That can't be me, he thought. The figure he saw made a rueful face back at him.

His hair was neatly trimmed, instead of the haphazard cut he normally gave himself. Soft blue robes fell from his shoulders, not a patch or a worn spot to be seen. On his chest gleamed a circle of gold, the Order of Merlin. The ragged, scarecrow appearance he usually presented was gone, and in its place was a respectable, even distinguished, man.

"I see Minerva got hold of you, too," Snape's voice came from behind, in the doorway.

Lupin sighed. "Actually, it was Molly Weasley, yesterday." He looked behind him, and started.

Snape wore his best dress robes and his hair was tied back; it looked elegantly sleek. There was the glint of Snape's own medal, bright against the velvet black, though it seemed to Lupin that Snape had tried to hide it among his robes.

"Severus, you look good," Lupin said with a smile. "The hair suits you."

Snape scowled. Lupin thought, he can't hide behind his hair when it's pulled away from his face like that.

Lupin shrugged. "It's just for the day. Tomorrow we're both back to normal."

Snape scowled even more deeply, but then relaxed a little, and nodded. "You look very well yourself."

"I hardly know myself," Lupin said. "Probably just as well. I'd rather not be recognized, when it's all over."

Another scowl from Snape. He'd also prefer not to be recognized, thought Lupin, and he's hardly going to manage that. The press will go right for him.

Lupin sat down on one of the many overstuffed chairs that filled the staff room. "So, how's the new flat coming along?" Snape had moved out of Lupin's house a month ago.

Snape sat down close by. "It's empty, but livable. Are you still coming by tonight, after this is over?"

Lupin nodded. "I'm going to need it. Something to help me recover from this." He looked over at the clock. The whole business would be starting soon - everyone had to be back from Hogsmeade by now. "You know, we could just stay here. Say we got talking, and lost track of the time."

Snape looked at the clock, and then back at Lupin. He's not saying 'yes,' Lupin thought, but he's not saying 'no,' either.

"So, the flat is livable?" Lupin asked, his face all innocence.

Snape nodded. "I can sleep, there are places to sit, shelves for my books, and a room that will serve as a passable potions workshop. My potions stocks from Hogwarts were saved, as were all my books," he said, with a cocked eyebrow.

Lupin made a non-committal "Mmm-hmm," careful to keep his face even. Snape had originally planned to leave all his potions stores to his successor at Hogwarts, and he'd given away all his books, but he hadn't planned on needing them again, at the time. Dumbledore must have seen to it that they were held safe.

"And how have you been?" Snape asked.

Lupin shrugged. "The house feels emptier, since you've moved out. I found I rather liked having you around. But I understand why you need a place of your own. My house wasn't your house."

"I hope that I may still visit," Snape said, very formally. The way he always does, Lupin thought, when he's talking about an emotional subject.

"Of course," Lupin said, "May we each constantly be in and out of each other's homes." He looked wistful. "I feel like toasting with some butterbeer. I'm sure there's some at the reception, but I suppose it would be a bit too much to send a House Elf to sneak some to us."

"Considering that we are forgetting the event altogether," Snape said, with an absolutely straight face.

"Then we must do without," Lupin said. "I suppose we could sneak in, once they've started the speeches, and everyone's sitting down--"

The staff door burst open.

"There you are, the two of you!" came the stern voice of Minerva McGonagall. For a moment, Lupin felt like a tiny eleven year old facing his House Mistress for the first time, and he found himself sinking down in his chair.

"We're hiding, Minerva," he said, glancing over at Snape, whose face was completely blank. I'm not the only one who's feeling eleven, Lupin thought.

Minerva scowled, but then her face softened, and she gave a wry smile. "Can't say that I blame you," she said, and added, her voice dripping with disapproval, "There are press people all over the building."

"You can hide here with us," Lupin said.

There was a momentary light in her eyes, but then she looked sternly at Lupin. "No," she said. Then she sighed, "But it's about to start. Shacklebolt and Moody are holding our seats for us, we'll go straight in and sit down, and hopefully no one will bother us."

Lupin and Snape's eyes met, and both of them sighed.

"Come on, you two," Minerva said, "It won't be that bad. You'll regret not being there."

Lupin and Snape stood up, slowly, and moved beside her. She looked round the door, out into the corridor.

"No one's outside," she said, "If we're lucky, we can make it into the Great Hall without running into anyone."

The three of them walked quickly along the corridor.

"Did you go into Hogsmeade, Minerva?" Lupin asked.

"Yes." Minerva rolled her eyes. "What a load of nonsense. Everyone was all over poor Harry, you wouldn't have been noticed if you'd gone, Remus." She glanced over at Snape. "You, on the other hand, Severus, your name was mentioned rather prominently, holding off the Death Eaters that day. You would have received quite a bit of attention, if you'd been there."

For a moment, Snape looked even paler than normal, though his expression did not change. Lupin thought, in amusement, you like the idea of public praise, my friend, but the thought of actually receiving any terrifies you.

"We're almost there," Minerva said, leaning around the last corner. She frowned, and shrugged. "Our luck has given out. There's a line of press people at the entrance." She adjusted her hat, and stood up straight. "Hold up your heads, we'll walk by them, give them a nod as we go by."

Lupin took a deep breath, and fell in beside her, Snape taking the other side, and they rounded the corner together.

There was a crowd outside the entrance to the Great Hall, and a general buzz of voices that stopped as every face turned to see who was approaching, and then the buzz started again. Lupin could make out quick phrases "--McGonagall, finally--", "--Merlin, it's the Death Eater--", "-who's the other fellow--", "-werewolf--" And then the cameras flashed, making him blink.

"Just keep walking," Minerva said, under her breath, "Everyone else has had to do this, and thank Merlin we've waited long enough that we won't be expected to answer any questions."

But the questions bombarded them anyway as they went through, so many that Lupin had trouble making them out. "Headmistress, tell us about your years with Harry Potter--", "Professor Snape, what was it like serving under Voldemort--" Lupin saw Snape flinch. At least no one's concerned about me, not when I'm walking next to these two, Lupin thought, gratefully, though he immediately felt guilty for the thought. But then, thankfully, they passed through the huge doors and into the Great Hall beyond.

Lupin almost thought they were in the wrong room, until he saw the enchanted ceiling, showing the sky overhead, the dark haze at the end of sunset, with the stars just beginning to show.

But everything below was different. The house tables were gone, and instead, the room was filled with rows of chairs, nearly every one of them occupied by witches and wizards in their finest robes. The walls were covered with bunting and banners, brilliantly colored, with flashing words like "Victory" and "Glorious" and "Remember" running across them. Lupin even saw several that said "Harry Potter" on them. Poor Harry, Lupin thought.

Minerva led them to the front of the Hall, where a section had been roped off, nearly every seat full. Lupin knew every face there. Harry sat in the front row, Hermione and Ron beside him. Lupin couldn't see Harry's face, but he could see tension in every line of Harry's body. The rest of the Weasleys were nearby, a row of bright red hair. Others as well, the older wizards and witches, as well as the students Harry had recruited. What remains of the Order of the Phoenix, Lupin thought. We get special seats. And then the thought hit him, not for the first time, I am a war hero. It felt very silly.

He followed Snape and Minerva along the seats, reaching three empty ones, and sat down. Lupin found himself between Snape and Moody. Moody gave him a dark grin and growled, "Good try, you were almost able to miss it."

The dais at the end of the room was filled with various dignitaries. Madam Amelia Bones, who was the new Minister of Magic, sat to one side of the podium, and Dumbledore sat on the other. Lupin saw other familiar faces along the table, faces he knew from the newspapers, though none he'd met personally.

He heard the room hush, and looked back to see Dumbledore standing up, and moving to the podium. Ah, it was starting. They'd get the speeches now. He settled back in his chair, this was going to take a while, and he'd better get comfortable. He'd heard far too many speeches lately.

Dumbledore gave a very reserved and formal welcome, not one of his more amusing speeches such as he'd give the schoolchildren. Lupin found himself not listening, but just watching. Albus looked so tired these days, though perhaps a bit better than he looked just a year ago. How much longer will we have him, Lupin thought. Albus was old pureblood, he could live for many years longer, or he could die tomorrow. He'd already lived longer than most wizards of average power, but the ones like him, the ones with great power, could live extraordinarily long lives. We think he'll live forever, Lupin thought, and he can't.

Dumbledore sat down, and Minister Bones took his place. This would be the main speech, and, while he liked Amelia Bones, Lupin didn't like her enough to pay attention to yet another speech about all this. It had been bad enough when they were all awarded their medals. He remembered standing with everyone else in the Order for what seemed like hours. He still had the group photo; Harry at the front, completely embarrassed, Lupin's own face looked stunned, Severus looked ill, and all the figures kept trying to hide behind each other. Only Dumbledore's face would smile out at him, and wink.

Now Minister Bones was describing the events of that last day, exactly a year ago, when Harry Potter had destroyed Voldemort in the village of Hogsmeade. Lupin listened now. He'd spent most of that time unconscious after Bellatrix had blasted him with silver, but he'd gotten the account from everyone who'd been there. Amelia Bones seemed to have the facts correctly, at least, and she wasn't as flowery as most politicians. She won't last, he thought sadly, she's only Minister because Dumbledore has enough influence now to get her appointed, but she's not the kind of leader people choose. They want nice speeches and someone who makes them feel good, and that's not Amelia. We can only hope she'll put the Ministry back together again so that it can run no matter who's in charge. The Daily Prophet was already putting out critical pieces against her; there'd been a completely insulting cartoon just the other day. But then the Prophet was rebelling, after all those years of being the Ministry's lapdog.

And then Minister Bones began reading the list of the dead, and Lupin sat, frozen, while he heard the names being read, one by one. Every one who had been killed by Voldemort and his followers, the ones in the recent war, and those from twenty years ago as well. This is why I did not want to come, he thought, I know too many of these names, and it still hurts to hear them. He could feel the others around him go very still, and he wondered how many more seats they would have needed, if everyone who was dead was still sitting with them - at least double the number. He snuck a glance at Severus; his face was absolutely blank, and his black eyes were staring into space, unseeing. How many people do you know who are dead, Severus? Lupin thought, and their names won't be read here. He felt a wave of resentment on behalf of his friend, why make him come to this, why put him through this? It's bad enough for the rest of us.

Because he has to be seen as a member of the Order, Lupin thought again. Whether he hides his medal or not. It has to be shown that people from all backgrounds were part of this. For the sake of anyone who came from Slytherin House who did not become a follower of Voldemort, and that was most of them, though people seemed to forget that. The persecution of anyone from Slytherin House was quite open these days.

It seemed an eternity until the last speech was made, and the Hall thundered with applause. Lupin breathed a huge sigh of relief, and he could see similar movements in those around him, as chests heaved, robe-covered legs stretched and straightened out.

Everyone stood up, slowly, and the chairs they had been sitting in discretely slid back and lined up against the walls. Tables popped into existence around the room, covered in food and drink. Lupin felt his feet gently sliding along the floor to make room as a table appeared where he had been standing. The crowd moved around the tables, and the hall filled with the rumble of voices.

He helped himself to a goblet of wine, while eyeing the food on the table, trying not to appear too obviously hungry. Pickings had become quite slim since Severus moved out. Severus had insisted on paying rent while he was there, and the Hogwarts elves had quietly filled the cupboards while he was there as well, along with doing some surreptitious house-cleaning. Lupin allowed it while Severus was there, saying to himself that it was for Severus's sake, but when it had continued after Severus left, he'd written a quiet note to Dumbledore, requesting that it cease. For the most part, it had, though Lupin suspected someone was still cleaning - there was far too little dust on his books. But the food had stopped. Lupin had already regretted writing to Dumbledore more than once, he'd forgotten what it was like to go hungry, and going back to the way he used to live had been excruciating. But this is how it must be, he told himself. To do otherwise would be to live with no pride, and he still had a little of that.

He saw Snape watching him. Don't jump for the food yet, he told himself, Severus will worry. Lupin smiled and raised his goblet. Snape frowned back, but nodded.

Snape came over, and opened his mouth to speak, then froze. Lupin followed his eyes, and saw a person who was clearly a reporter heading in their direction.

"I'm going to make myself scarce, Lupin," Snape said, quietly, "I'll come back when the banquet starts."

"I'll save you a seat," Lupin murmured back. Snape stepped back, and vanished into the crowd, not an easy feat for someone as tall as he was, dressed all in black among the brightly colored figures around him. Poor Severus, Lupin thought again, and again felt guilty at the gratitude he felt, no one knew him, no one would be interested in speaking to him. Thank Merlin.

But the reporter was still heading in his direction, he noted. He looked behind him, was the fellow looking for someone over there? Lupin couldn't see anyone who looked interesting. Must be my mistake, he thought. And indeed, the reporter had slowed down now. He must have been after Snape, Lupin thought, taking a sip of wine.

"Ah, Remus," he heard Dumbledore's voice. He turned. He hadn't expected to talk to Albus tonight, he'd expected Albus to be surrounded by reporters and Ministry people. But there he was, walking towards him. A small group of witches and wizards followed him. One was Arthur Weasley, and Lupin thought two or three others looked like Ministry people as well. But there were three others he didn't recognize at all, though something in their appearance made him think "academics" immediately, the way they seemed to be uncomfortable in dress robes, the scholarly look of their faces. Foreign, too, he thought, by the cut and decoration of their robes, and as one spoke to a fellow, he caught an American accent.

"Remus," Dumbledore said again as he reached Lupin's side. "I have some people I want you to meet, I think you'll be very interested."

"Albus, Arthur," Lupin said, and he nodded politely to the others. Dumbledore introduced them - some were Ministry people as he'd guessed, and the others were all introduced with the honorific of Professor or Master. One fellow who interested Lupin in particular was introduced as Professor John Begay, a broadish man, with dark brown skin, a wide face, and black hair shot with silver, done up in some kind of bun at the back of his head. Dumbledore mentioned him being from one of the American schools, in Arizona.

Lupin made a polite greeting to each as they were introduced, then he turned his eyes to Dumbledore.

"Professor Begay and his associates have been working for the past twenty years, dealing with werewolves," Dumbledore said. Lupin caught his breath and looked at Professor Begay.

"There's a long history of werewolves where I live," Professor Begay said. "I have family who've caught the disease, so I have a personal interest."

Lupin nodded.

"The Wolfsbane Potion was a tremendous breakthrough, of course," Professor Begay continued, "But we've been able to take it a step further, I don't know if you've heard or not."

Lupin shook his head.

"Remus," Dumbledore said, "They've developed a cure."

Lupin blinked, stunned.

"Not entirely a cure," Professor Begay said, "Our patients still have to take wolf form during the full moon, and they can still take wolf form any time they choose. But they don't go mad. And they are no longer contagious."

"Oh my," Lupin said. He looked at Professor Begay. "This is amazing. I never thought such a thing could happen, not in my lifetime."

"We've been using it for three years now. We've had the cooperation of all the local werewolf packs, and we've been very successful," Professor Begay said. "No sign of any reversion, no ill effects."

"We've had two children born from werewolf parents, and they show no sign of the disease, although they're natural Animagi," said one of his fellows, a thin, bird-like witch with earnest eyes behind wire spectacles.

"The Ministry is very interested," Dumbledore said, "They wish to start a program here, providing the cure to our local werewolves."

"We know we can reach the lone people, like you, Remus," said Arthur Weasley, "But we don't have the trust of the werewolf packs."

Lupin's face fell. "I'm not exactly on good terms with the local packs, if you're looking for an ambassador."

"We don't expect you to be a go-between, Remus," Arthur said. "But you are known to them all, and you are respected. Voldemort was very cruel to the werewolves, and they know you're one of the people who helped bring him down."

Oh yes, Lupin thought, ruefully, I am a war hero.

"We need someone to be our first patient, Remus," Arthur went on. "Someone who, by example, can show the packs that the Ministry can be trusted, and that we truly mean to help them."

"We also need someone we can present to the general public," said one of the Ministry people, a younger fellow with a keen expression Lupin recalled being introduced as Charles Willoughby. "Someone who can make the people understand and sympathize with the plight of the werewolves, someone who can give the whole thing a human face."

Lupin swallowed uncomfortably. "You mean this would have to be in the public eye?" He looked over, and almost started as he saw the reporter fellow, standing by, watching. It was me he was after, not Severus, Lupin thought.

"It would have to be, Remus," Dumbledore said, "This has to be shown. It has to be done in the open, everyone has to see it."

He's right, Lupin thought, if it's to be successful, it can't be done quietly, or discretely. He felt the walls closing in on him.

"You would be the perfect candidate," Willoughby, the keen young Ministry fellow went on. "A decorated war hero, a member of the Order of the Phoenix, a friend and associate of Harry Potter himself."

"I fear I make a very shabby figure," Lupin said.

"We can take care of that, Remus," Dumbledore said, "You hardly look shabby now."

Lupin's eyes flashed towards Dumbledore. Dumbledore looked at him sternly, but there was a twinkle in his eye as well.

"Think of how many people will benefit from this, Remus," Dumbledore said.

Lupin closed his eyes. He's right, I know he's right. Just the thought of being cured, that alone is worth more than anything. And I know, even better than they do, what it would mean to the other werewolves.

He took a deep breath. "I confess, the thought of public exposure terrifies me. But the idea of a cure, that it even exists, is wonderful. And I agree, this must be done, and advertised." He sighed. "I wish there were someone else, who would be a better spokesman. But even I know, there isn't."

"So you agree, then?" Arthur smiled happily, and not without relief.

Lupin nodded. "I agree."

There were smiles all round, and shaking of hands, and exchanges of words, "Delighted to be working with you," and "Knew you were the right one."

Willoughby, taking Lupin's arm, said, "We need to start now, get a picture, while Dumbledore's here with you, a few words. . ." He beckoned to the reporter, who beckoned in turn, and other people began to approach them. Dumbledore moved to Lupin's side.

And so it begins, Lupin thought. And then he thought, I'm going to be cured. And that thought alone sent a wave of such joy through him. It's worth it, he thought, anything I have to go through.

"Just need to get the Ministry official in charge of the program into the picture as well," said Willoughby, "If you'll just move a little to one side, Professor Lupin . . ."

The Ministry official in charge? Wasn't that one of the people here? Lupin thought, as he took a step to one side.

"Hem, hem," he heard a voice from beside, and a little below, him, and he turned to see a very short, squat figure at his side, a mass of short, curly, mouse-brown hair, topped with a little pink velvet bow that matched pink robes. A broad, flabby face turned to look up at him, a face he was very familiar with, if only from the newspapers.

"Professor Lupin," said Delores Umbridge sweetly, "I'm so pleased to meet you at last."

Lupin looked in panic at Arthur and Dumbledore.

"Madam Umbridge is in charge of the Werewolf Registry, in the Ministry's Department of the Regulation and Control of Magical Creatures," Arthur stammered. "She's responsible for setting up this new cure program."

Lupin took a deep breath. He turned and bowed. "I am most grateful, Madam Umbridge." So, she was still with the Ministry, though in a very reduced position. She had fought against Voldemort, once the Ministry had acknowledged his existence, after all.

Umbridge simpered. "Oh, I'm sure we're going to work together very well, Professor Lupin. We must do anything we can to take care of this nasty werewolf problem."

She turned to face the cameras being aimed at them, a bright smile on her face.

Lupin turned as well. It's worth it, the cure is worth it, he told himself, think of the cure. And then the thought came into his head, I can teach at Hogwarts again.

And he gave a truly genuine smile for the cameras.

-

TBC


	2. Chapter 2

Title: Home's the Farthest Way

Chapter: 2

Author: ReeraTheRed

Date: December 20, 2004

Rating: PG13

Summary: When Lupin is offered a werewolf cure, he dreams of no longer living in dread of hurting or killing an innocent person. But will things go smoothly? RLSS, romance but NOT SLASH.

Acknowledgements: Thanks to Patti for beta-reading this. 

Author's Note: There are references to Practically Brothers and The Wounded in here, so if you haven't read those, you may not know about everything that happens here, but hopefully, you can catch on eventually.

Thanks so much to everyone for all the reviews. Note to Oya - whoops, my mistake, I didn't mean to imply that Umbridge had created the werewolf registry, just the new cure program, I'll fix that in the previous chapter to make that less ambiguous. And Hipa, don't worry, I'm not going to kill anyone, this is a happy ending story - it's going to be sappy and hokey as all get out.

-  
-

Chapter 2

"I'm going to be cured," Lupin said, shaking his head as he leaned back. 

The chair was not uncomfortable, but it was very plain. When Lupin had first seen Snape's flat, he'd thought it woefully barren, like a priest's cell. As if Snape were punishing himself by not allowing himself anything better, or, worse, didn't believe he deserved better. But Snape had conjured a fire in the fireplace that cast a warm glow, and brought out several bottles of butterbeer, and now Lupin felt the sitting room seemed almost cheerful. "I'm going to be cured," Lupin said again. 

"You said," Snape said from his chair opposite Lupin.

"I'm sorry," Lupin said, "I know, I'm repeating myself. I feel quite giddy, and I still can't really believe it."

"You said that, too."

Lupin smiled. "I guess I'm going to be very boring company tonight."

"Not at all," Snape said. His face softened for a moment, and the expression that was as close as he ever came to a genuine smile flashed briefly across his features. 

"I expect I must look as if I'm floating on air to you," Lupin said.

"At least several feet. Did they tell you anything about what's involved?"

"It's a series of potions," Lupin said, reaching into his robe and pulling out some parchments. "They gave me some literature on it - all informal for now. I expect they'll do up some pamphlets when they're ready to make this generally available." 

Lupin flipped through the parchments, checking the titles, and then pulled out one and passed it to Snape. "That's the one on the specifics of the potions used, if you're interested. In fact, I'd appreciate a genuine Potions Master looking into this." He grimaced. "I keep expecting to find something wrong, it's just too good to be true."

Snape took the parchment and began to read, his face fierce as his eyes moved along the pages. Every so often, he would nod, and, as Lupin watched, Snape's face relaxed little by little as he became engrossed in the material. 

"This could work," he said, finally, "They know what they're doing. They've started with the basics of the Wolfsbane Potion, but they've taken it further. I can't say for certain, I have not witnessed the results of their tests, but if what they say here is true, this is a cure."

"I confess," Lupin said, "if it weren't for Albus and Arthur speaking so highly of it, I'd be very skeptical. Particularly since it's Umbridge who's behind bringing it to England."

Snape scowled deeply. "I do not like the idea of you being in that woman's control, Lupin."

"I don't like it, either," Lupin said. "She hates werewolves, she thinks we're sub-human. She's the one behind all the laws restricting us, making it nearly impossible to find work."

"It must have truly rankled with her, having to stand next to you in that news photo," Snape said.

"She certainly covered any ill feelings well," Lupin said. "She spoke very sweetly to me, as if she wanted bygones to be bygones."

"That means she's up to something," Snape said, "Trust me. The woman is vile."

"Well, Arthur told me quietly that she's not going to have anything more to do with this than administrative work. It's all being handled through St. Mungo's. And the American people will be supervising the set up of the potions manufacturing. Although," Lupin added, "I'd appreciate it if you'd look into it. They want me to come by later this week, to see the setup, if you'd be interested in accompanying me."

Snape nodded. "Yes. I'd be interested, even if you weren't involved."

"Oh, it's much more than me at stake here," Lupin said. He shook his head, still trying to absorb everything. "What this means, for all werewolves . . . This could be a complete end to the disease. Not just to the suffering of the change itself, but the persecution."

"If the other werewolves will agree," Snape said, picking up another parchment. "From what I recall, when I briefly met some of your old packmates, there will be at least some who resist."

Lupin nodded. "Yes. And believe me, there are worse out there than those you saw. But I hope the majority, the ones who are being victimized by their thug leaders, will see this as a way out, a way to be free." He looked at Severus. "I might be trapped as well, back with that pack, if you hadn't stepped forward and declared that I was under your protection." 

Snape looked away, and said, stiffly, "You'd have managed a way out, on your own, I'm sure."

"Perhaps. But I lose my magic when I turn into a wolf, and I'm not strong enough, in wolf form, to protect myself, not against the stronger werewolves. And as long as they have other wizards in their control, I can't hide from them."

"And will this change, if werewolves let themselves be cured?" Snape asked. 

"Arthur says the Ministry will guarantee protection to any werewolf who comes forward for the cure." Lupin looked uncomfortable as he said this, but his face brightened as he added, "More importantly, Dumbledore said he himself would personally guarantee everyone's safety."

Snape nodded, but his eyes were hooded. "I don't suppose any mention was made about treating thugs like Baron as criminals? Which would take care of the problem altogether."

Lupin shrugged. "Moody made some mention, but the laws aren't there. Werewolves have always been treated as a separate community, and wizards haven't interfered, unless werewolves themselves encroached on the wizard world."

Snape rolled his eyes. "So the hoodlums will remain in charge. Do you really think Baron would allow anyone under him to be cured, if it means they will no longer be under his control?"

"I know," Lupin said. "Moody was discussing this, saying they'd have to make it possible for any werewolf who wanted to be cured to have a way to get free. He's got contacts with the packs, far greater than any than I have."

"Because you're suspect to the packs," Snape said, "You're a wizard. And you've defied Baron, and you got away with it."

"Only because I have the protection of powerful people," Lupin said. He frowned slightly. 

Snape recognized the look, he knew how much Lupin hated having to be dependent, and he said, gently, "No one survives alone."

"I seem to be more needy than most," Lupin said. But then his face brightened up. "I'll be able to work. Like a normal person. People won't have to keep worrying about me anymore." And then Lupin's face became almost radiant, "You know, Severus, it hit me, right as I was standing next to Umbridge, I might even be able to teach again."

Snape nodded, transfixed by the expression on Lupin's face.

"Just the thought of that got me through the photography session," Lupin said. "I'll go through anything, if I can have that at the end."

He smiled, more normally now. "Even if I can't, it's worth it, just to know I won't be a danger to anyone anymore. That my greatest nightmare, the terror that I might harm or kill an innocent person, that will be gone. That alone is worth it. I'll do anything for that. Even work with Delores Umbridge."

Snape frowned at the mention of Umbridge's name. "I am still not happy with her in charge of this."

Lupin shrugged. "Oddly enough, I think she's being up front about this. She wants to end the disease just as much as I do, in her way. She can't hate it any worse than I do."

"I think she'd be happy to rid the world of werewolves in any way she could," Snape said. "She just happens to have found this way, probably because it's more likely to work."

Lupin nodded. "I agree. But she has found this way, and it is likely to work. So she and I find ourselves working toward the same goal." He looked at Snape and smiled. "And not a word from you about 'strange bedfellows.'"

"What a revolting thought," Snape said. 

Lupin looked down at the parchments he held. "They say it's almost a complete cure. No side effects, no one has become ill or had any problems with it in any way. I'll simply be like an Animagus whose form is a wolf. An Animagus who must transform at full moon, and who loses his magic while in wolf form." He sighed. "And whose clothes won't become part of the transformation." 

Snape looked at Lupin thoughtfully. "Your Animagus form is fixed as a wolf. I wonder what form you might have taken, if a wolf had not been forced on you. Because your inner creature is almost certainly not a wolf."

"No, I make a bad wolf," Lupin said. "But I'll never know, now." He shrugged, then looked back at Snape. "We forced a shape on you, too."

"I am content with it," Snape said, looking away. "I shudder to think what kind of creature I might have conjured from within me."

"I didn't think you were a dog, at first," Lupin said, "but as time went by, I began to think a dog was exactly what you were. Just a different kind of dog, a guard dog." A creature who serves a master, he thought to himself, absolutely devoted, and loyal to the death.

"It's what I am now." Snape still looked away. Lupin watched the lights from the fire play across his face. Everything else, his hair, his robes, faded into the shadows of the dimly lit room, only his pale face and his hands showing against the soft black that surrounded him. If not a dog, what would he have been? He's almost a magical creature in his own right, bred to be a dark wizard. Hagrid could teach a class on him. And, thought Lupin, I only change during the full moon. He has to live with his nature every day. 

And then the thought hit him, is he afraid that I won't need him anymore? I won't need the Wolfsbane Potion he brews me for me every month, if I have this cure. 

"I'll still need you, you know," Lupin said, "during the full moon. I'll still be vulnerable then. My magic's gone, the wards around my house vanish. And, more importantly, I hope I can still enjoy your company."

Snape nodded and turned away from the fire, to look back at Lupin. "I suppose you'll always need someone to throw that blasted frisbee for you."

And a gentle look passed between the two of them.

-  
-

The next morning, while Lupin was drinking a cup of tea, sitting on his old sofa, a green fire flashed in the fireplace, and Harry's face appeared in the flames. 

"Professor Lupin," Harry said, "I just saw, in the Prophet, about the program." He looked angry.

"Yes, Harry," Lupin said, sighing inwardly. "Come on over."

Harry's body materialized out of the flickering flames, and he stepped into the room. He brushed ash off his shirt. "Sorry, I guess I should have said 'Good morning' first."

"It's all right. I appreciate that you're concerned." Lupin poured a cup of tea for Harry and passed it over to him. Harry took it and sat down in a chair by the sofa. He took a swallow, then set his cup down on the coffee table. 

"You can't get involved with anything Umbridge has a hand in," he said.

Lupin sighed. "You sound like Severus, last night." He set his own cup down. "She's not doing anything more than paperwork."

"She didn't look like it, in the photo in the Prophet this morning," Harry said, "She looks like she's in charge of the whole thing."

"She's a figurehead," Lupin said. "St. Mungo's is doing the real work." 

Harry frowned.

"I'm not happy about Umbridge being involved in this, either, Harry," Lupin said. "But I trust Dumbledore's judgement on this. And I'm not going in blind, we're going to check things out, and if we're not happy, I'm not going through with it." 

Harry's frown was gone now, though he was not smiling. He nodded. "All right then. But I want to be there when it happens."

"I'd like that," said Lupin. "I'm going over to St. Mungo's later this week, and Severus is coming with me to check out the facilities. He's more worried about incompetence, I think. The Wolfsbane Potion is so difficult to brew, and this is an offshoot of it. Although the staff at St. Mungo's has some of the best Potions people there are." Lupin looked carefully at Harry's face. In times past, Harry would have given a look of disgust at the mention of Snape's name, but Harry's face was calm now, as he took another swallow of tea. 

Harry and Snape hadn't run into each other much, over the past nine months, since Harry had left Hogwarts at the end of the summer. Just at a few official functions, and they had managed not to say anything to each other, or even make eye contact. Lupin had been watching closely, each time, worried at just how they'd react to each other, but there'd been nothing. He'd tried to tell himself that this was an improvement from before, when they'd looked at each other with open hatred, but he wasn't sure.

Harry took another swallow of tea, and then said, "So, how is Shadow doing?"

Lupin carefully refrained from gulping his tea. He looked straight at Harry. Harry's face looked calm, though there was something there, in his green eyes, that Lupin couldn't make out.

Lupin gave a shrug. "He seems to be making progress."

"I bet not as much as he made last summer," Harry said.

"It's a different kind of progress," Lupin said, carefully. "He has had a lot of damage done to him. It's going to take a long time." 

Harry nodded, and his eyes took on a glint of mischief. "Maybe I could come take him for a walk sometime." 

"Maybe you could," Lupin said, "I'd have to see if he's available." And thought, that would probably be good for him, if he'd let himself do it.

"Tell him I'm going to Knockturn Alley by myself," Harry said, a smile flickering at the corners of his mouth. "The way he was, at Hogwarts last summer, when I just wanted to leave the grounds, and he didn't even like me then." He shrugged. "I do need to go to Knockturn Alley, you know. I need some stuff for one class. There's a group of students going down together, but it'd be more fun to go by myself, if I could get the added protection."

Lupin met Harry's eyes, and nodded. "He certainly would be upset if he knew you were putting yourself in danger."

"He always was. For as long as I can remember." Harry looked more sober at that. He met Lupin's eyes, and gave a sad smile.

He knows, Lupin thought. At least, I think he knows. "And how do you feel about that?"

Harry shrugged. "I'm moving on. From a lot of things. I've touched the mind of something truly evil. It makes other things look pretty small by comparison." He put his cup down and leaned back in Lupin's old chair. "I'm in the mood to be forgiving."

Lupin met Harry's eyes, and nodded. "Let me know when you plan to go to Knockturn Alley."

Harry grinned. "I will."

-  
-

"And this is Potions Master Horace Delworth." Delores Umbridge gestured to a fussy little man with a large forehead. "Master Delworth will oversee the manufacture of the potions for the werewolf cure here at St. Mungo's."

Lupin bowed to Master Delworth, who gave a curt nod. Lupin glanced at Snape, a question in his face. Snape gave a nod, "Master Delworth was a few years ahead of me when I studied under Professor Harriet Semper. Professor Semper had very high standards for her students." 

Master Delworth gave Snape a look that seemed to say that, as far as Master Delworth was concerned, Professor Semper's standards hadn't been high enough in Snape's case. Lupin felt himself grow defensive for his friend's sake - Snape was one of the best at Potions in the world, far talented enough to meet even St. Mungo's requirements. But Snape was an ex-Death Eater, they would never accept him here, no matter how great his abilities were. 

Master Delworth turned to Lupin, his face more formal now. "I was extremely pleased when I heard you had been selected as our first patient, Professor Lupin. I think you are a most excellent candidate." 

Something in Delworth's face reminded Lupin of the look the man had just given Snape. He suspected Delworth didn't care any more for werewolves than he did for ex-Death Eaters, but he managed to keep his face even while he said, "I am delighted to help in any way I can, and, of course, I am eager to participate." He glanced at Snape. "I was hoping my friend, Professor Snape, might be allowed to observe the potions facilities. He has been brewing the Wolfsbane Potion for me for many years, and I'd appreciate his insight into the process."

Both Umbridge and Delworth drew up, and they glanced at each other. Delworth opened his mouth, but Umbridge spoke first. "I suppose there would be no harm in this," she said, although her expression said she clearly thought there would be. "Horace," she said as Delworth opened his mouth to speak again, "we must allow anyone who wishes to see what is happening. After all," she added, her sweet smile back again, "we have absolutely nothing to hide."

Delworth stiffened. "Of course not," he harrumphed.

Umbridge turned to Snape and said, "I'm sure Horace would be delighted to show you the labs after we've finished here." She almost simpered. 

Snape nodded. "I appreciate it."

"There now," Umbridge said, brightly. "Professor Begay," she gave a nod to the professor, "and his staff are already in the process of training Master Delworth's staff in the manufacture of the potion cure, and so far, he says he is very pleased with their progress, isn't that so, Professor?"

Professor Begay nodded again, and said, "Yes. You have a very good staff here. I couldn't ask for a better one. They've picked up the steps very well, and Master Delworth is well able to handle the more complicated portions of the manufacture."

"Perhaps I might be allowed to observe the process," Snape said. "As a student of the Wolfsbane Potion, I'd be very interested in seeing the adaptations you've made."

Professor Begay smiled broadly, "I'd be delighted. I'd also be interested in hearing the views of a fellow Wolfsbane Potion brewer. I'm sure we've had to deal with many of the same problems."

"It is a difficult potion," Snape said.

"Well then," Umbridge said, "After we've viewed the facilities, we will inspect the lab. You may stay and speak with Master Delworth, the Professor, and the staff afterwards, Professor Snape."

Snape nodded. Professor Begay looked genuinely pleased, Lupin noted. He can't have many people to discuss the Wolfsbane Potion with, Lupin thought.

The group traveled through St. Mungo's to the ward that was to be used for the werewolf cure patients. The ward was filled with beds, like any normal hospital ward, but beyond, there was a room, with walls, floors, ceiling and doors specially reinforced, not just structurally, but with magic. Lupin could feel the tingle from across the room. 

"Our patients must all spend their first full moon after the treatment in this room under observation," Healer Delworth said. "Just as a precaution." He looked over at Lupin as he said that.

Lupin nodded. "I agree, that would be necessary. If only to make absolutely certain the cure has taken." He turned to Professor Begay. "Has the cure ever not worked?"

Professor Begay shook his head, "Not once we got it perfected. The only problems we've really had with it, is that it can only work one time." Lupin looked at him in question and Begay went on, "We've had a few instances where, for some reason or another, while the cure worked, it had to be reversed - there were interactions with other conditions the patient had that caused problems. We can check for that now, so that doesn't happen anymore, but there were problems at the beginning. So we had to reverse the spell for the cure to reverse the side problems. But when we apply the cure a second time, it doesn't take. So it's absolutely critical that everything work perfectly the first time through."

Lupin nodded. He felt a knot in his stomach. How terrible it would be, to be cured, only for it to be reversed, and all hope for it taken from him forever.

Professor Begay smiled. "We've checked over your medical records, and nothing shows up that would cause any problems with the cure, Professor Lupin. And we'll be sure to give you a complete physical once again, when we start."

After that, they viewed the Potions lab, which looked like any other Potions lab Lupin had ever seen, only, as this was a hospital, the walls were whiter and the light was brighter than most. The staff was polite, many even genuinely friendly to Lupin. Whatever Umbridge may be doing, Lupin thought, these people are genuine, and they'll prepare the potion correctly.

Snape was far more interested in the lab facilities than Lupin, looking over the equipment, commenting on the ventilation, and seemed to almost be drooling (for Snape) over the supply cabinets, which were enormous, and held a wealth of exotic ingredients. 

Master Delworth even softened up, seeing a fellow enthusiast, and when Lupin left to return home, the three of them, Snape, Delworth and Begay, were locked in conversation, discussing the peculiarities of various ingredients, reactions when different substances were combined, and unusual cases they'd worked with. The hospital potions team hovered around the three, listening in awe, and asking the occasional question.

Lupin smiled, happy to see his friend enjoying himself, as he quietly followed Umbridge out of the room. 

"I'll need to schedule an appointment with you, Professor Lupin," Umbridge said as they reached the hospital main floor. "Just to give you some paperwork." 

"Why not now?" Lupin smiled. "I can take it back home with me to look over."

"Oh," Umbridge looked uncomfortable, "It's all the way over at my office. Surely that's too much trouble. Better I bring it next time we meet here."

"It's no trouble," Lupin said, "We can Apparate over to the Ministry from here."

Umbridge still looked uncomfortable. She doesn't want me to go to her office, Lupin thought. 

But then she nodded. "Very well." There was a set look on her face, almost a hard look, very different from her usual overly sweet simper. 

Lupin followed Umbridge out onto the street, where they Apparated to the Ministry Building. From there, they went inside, through the lobby security, into the elevator and out down a series of corridors until they reached Umbridge's office in the Beast Division in the Department for the Regulation and Control of Magical Creatures. Lupin frowned at the idea of belonging in the Beast Division, but he thought to himself, don't make a fuss, it isn't worth it.

Umbridge hesitated one moment before opening the door, and something flashed across her face. But it passed so quickly that Lupin wasn't sure he'd really seen anything. And then he followed her inside.

Lupin had heard about Umbridge's office at Hogwarts from Harry, so he braced himself, only to find it wasn't anything like what had been described to him. There was a dreadful decorated plate or two on the bookshelves, but overall, there was a barrenness that reminded him of Snape's flat. Had she fallen on hard times? Lupin wondered. No, this felt like something different. This felt like self-punishment. She has fallen from her high position at the Ministry, she had been the Minster of Magic, Fudge's, assistant, and now she's down here. They couldn't fire her, but they could move her, down to a place no one cares about. It's not a time for her to indulge in fripperies, she has to show she's dedicated. 

"If you'll take a seat, Professor Lupin," Umbridge said, her sweet smile back on her face. "I'll just be a teensy moment getting out the paperwork."

Lupin said in a chair in front of Umbridge's desk, while Umbridge began to pull out files from a drawer, taking a sheet or two of paper from each one.

Lupin looked around the room and his eye was caught by a framed photograph on the desk. Seeing the features, he had no doubt it was a much younger Umbridge, or a close relative; there was the same broad, flabby face, the same wide mouth, the little eyes. But the expression was so different, he'd at first thought it a picture of a completely different person. Instead of the hard look in the eyes, and the sickly sweet smile, this person looked genuinely jolly and likable. The eyes might be small, but they were bright and sparkling, and the wide mouth grinned in a way that made Lupin want to grin, too. The girl looked out at him, and grinned even wider, in a way that said, isn't the world a delightful place? Lupin couldn't help smiling back.

"I'm sorry," he said, "I couldn't help noticing the photograph here. Is this of you?"

Umbridge's mouth tightened. "No, Professor Lupin, it is not. That is a picture of my sister." She set a stack of papers down on the desk with a little too much force.

Lupin smiled, and the photo winked at him. "She looks like a nice person."

"She was," Umbridge said, mouth even tighter. "She died, a long time ago."

"Oh," Lupin said, "I'm sorry."

Umbridge sat very still for a moment. Then she looked directly into Lupin's eyes. "She was killed, Professor Lupin. By a werewolf." 

Lupin saw such coldness, such raw hatred in Umbridge's eyes, he had to stifle a shudder. He took a deep breath, and said, carefully, "I am so sorry, Madame Umbridge." And doesn't that explain a lot, he thought. 

"I keep her picture here," Umbridge said, "to remind me. Of why I am here, and what I must do." She still stared hard into Lupin's eyes. "I will make sure that this will never happen to anyone else's sister, ever again."

Lupin looked back at her, and he thought, if your sister had lived, it might be her, sitting in this chair, while you prepare the cure for her. But I could not say that to her. So he simply said, "Then we are in complete agreement, Madame." Umbridge's sister grinned at him from her portrait, and nodded. 

Umbridge stared back, a little too long, then she turned to the stack of papers, which she handed to him, saying curtly, "Read these over. You'll need to sign in certain places. You can owl them back to me when you've finished."

Lupin took the papers from her, nodded and thanked her for her trouble, then left the dreary room as quickly as possible.

TBC 


	3. Chapter 3

Title: Home's the Farthest Way

Chapter: 3

Author: ReeraTheRed

Date: December 29, 2004

Rating: PG13

Summary: When Lupin is offered a werewolf cure, he dreams of no longer living in dread of hurting or killing an innocent person. But will things go smoothly? RLSS, romance but NOT SLASH.

Acknowledgements: Thanks yet again to Patti and Michelle for beta-reading this.

Author's Note: And some people thought turning Snape into a dog was weird . . .

-  
-

Chapter 3

Lupin took one look at Hermione's frowning face hovering in the fire.

"Come on over, Hermione," he said, sighing. She materialized above the grate and stepped into the room. As she opened her mouth to speak, he said, quickly, "Severus is verifying the potions manufacturing, Umbridge won't be anywhere near it, and Albus and Arthur have both thoroughly researched this procedure out and it's real."

Hermione closed her mouth, but she was still frowning.

"And Albus, Severus and Arthur will all be there when I take the cure," Lupin added. "Harry said he wants to be there, too."

"So do I," Hermione said.

Lupin nodded. "I'd be grateful."

Hermione relaxed a little. "Actually, I have been doing some reading on this, and it is genuine. The results they've achieved among the western American werewolf packs have been amazing. Although," she shrugged, "relations between wizards and werewolves out there are a little better than they are here."

Lupin nodded. "Hopefully, this will change things over here. That's why it's so important that everything goes well with this. It's not just my future at stake, but that of everyone who's been inflicted with this disease."

Hermione's frown came back, and she looked almost fierce. "That's why I don't like it that Umbridge is involved in this. If she messes this up, it could hurt the entire program."

"I don't think that's her intention," Lupin said, and he told her of his visit to Umbridge's office, and of Umbridge's dead sister. Hermione grew thoughtful, and said, "It certainly explains her vendetta against werewolves, but that doesn't excuse her. There weren't any werewolves at Hogwarts when she was there, and she was still horrible."

"I know," Lupin said. "But if this program fails, werewolves will still remain in England. This program is the best way to end the spread of the disease forever. That's why I think she's genuinely behind it."

Hermione considered. "I suppose it fits. She's out for power, even if it's in a petty way. And this would give her power, the feeling she's controlling your life and your future, and the futures of so many other werewolves. Maybe that's enough for her." She paused, and then said, quietly, "That's how she was at Hogwarts, so absolutely certain she was right, and taking such pleasure in punishing people. She enjoyed it." Her fierce look was back, and she said, "She was so self-righteous, so . . . so . . ." She grimaced, "Loathsome. It makes my skin crawl, thinking you're going to be associated with her."

"That's why everyone's making sure it's all on the up and up." Lupin sighed. "I want this cure. I admit it, I want it desperately. If it comes with Umbridge, for a short time, so be it."

"I suppose that's what matters," Hermione said. "But I'm going to be there, too, and I'm going to keep my eye on her the whole time."

"I couldn't ask for anyone better," Lupin said. 

-  
-

Harry moved through the crowd in Diagon Alley, weaving between clumps of chatting witches outside the shops, stepping aside quickly as a group of young boys came racing along the cobblestones. He could come here whenever he liked now. He wasn't virtually a prisoner at his Uncle and Aunt's, or bound to the Hogwart's grounds. He was of age, and he could go wherever he wanted. The giddy feeling of freedom still hadn't left him, though it had been ten months now since he was first legal to Apparate.

He glanced ahead along the line of shops. And there it was, a dark hole in the brick walls. The entrance to Knockturn Alley. He drew closer, and suppressed a shudder, the air felt colder, a hint of winter in the warm May air. The shopfronts on each side were crammed so close together, and he couldn't see any sunlight penetrating the gloom that hung between the narrow walls. 

Well, there was no help for it, he had to go down there. Hagrid did it all the time. How bad could it be? He could do it alone, he knew he could. But just the same, he looked around, and smiled as he made out a familiar dark shape, which only a moment before had looked like just another shadow at the alley entrance.

"Hello, Shadow," he said, "Going to come with me?"

A tall, gaunt dog rose to its feet. Skeletally thin, all bone and ropy muscle, covered with silky, black hair, it walked to Harry's side with only a few strides of its long, thin legs. It was so tall, Harry didn't have to bend at all to run his hand along its bony spine. 

"I appreciate the company," Harry said. The dog turned his head to look at Harry. If it was possible to look down one's nose at someone while looking up at them, that's what the dog was doing.

Harry grinned. And then, together, they walked into Knockturn Alley.

-  
-

Lupin was wide awake long before his alarm went off. He lay in bed, thinking. This is the day. I'll never have to worry about going mad, going into a killing rage, again, after today. I'll never have to be afraid of killing anyone, or infecting anyone, ever again. I'll never be a danger again. And I'll never have to worry about taking the Wolfsbane Potion again. A little catch in his heart there, thinking of Severus, how Severus had carefully brewed the potion for him all these years. They might never have become friends without it. But we will continue to be friends, thought Lupin, with or without the potion.

He rose and washed, and began to dress. There were new robes, just for the occasion. Dumbledore had had them sent from Madame Malkin's. Can't have a ragged scarecrow showing up for this, Lupin thought, I must look respectable. He frowned, looking at the drapes of fine cloth hanging in the wardrobe. One more indication of how he was unable to provide for himself. No matter how much he told himself it wasn't his fault, it wasn't that he lacked ability, or that he wasn't willing. All these excuses, ultimately, they didn't matter. What mattered was that he continually failed, that everyone had to take care of him.

He stood, for a few moments, feeling ashamed. Then he straightened up, took a deep breath, and pulled the new robes over his head. Enough of that, he told himself. This is a sign of my future. No more fear, no more shame. And a happy thought, when I can work, I'll pay Dumbledore back for these. 

He wished Severus could be with him, but Severus would be at St. Mungo's already, watching the brewing of the potion. He wouldn't be participating, just observing - an ex-Death Eater wasn't going to be allowed to touch anything at St. Mungo's - but just knowing he was watching made Lupin feel better. I'll see Severus when it's over, he thought, later today. When it's over, and I'm cured.

He took one last glance at his house before he went out the front door. A moment or two to reach out, mentally, and check all his wards - the tingle he felt told him everything was working properly. Then, heart beating in excitement, he Apparated to the street out in front of the Ministry.

Waiting outside for him was Charles Willoughby, the keen young Ministry fellow he'd met at the celebration at Hogwarts. Had that only been a few weeks ago? It seemed like a lifetime, and at the same time, only yesterday. 

"Professor Lupin," Willoughby said, his young face beaming as he escorted Lupin into the Ministry lobby. "How wonderful to see you again. Madame Umbridge sent me out here to wait for you. She and Mr. Weasley will be out in a moment, and then you'll head over to St. Mungo's." They sat down to one side, and Willoughby went on, "This is so exciting. It's finally going to happen."

Lupin nodded. "I feel a little light-headed, I confess."

"How grand it will be," Willoughby said, "The noble wolf, finally allowed to take his place among us."

"Er," said Lupin. 

"I should love to talk with you sometime, Professor," said Willoughby, "what it must feel like, to take the form of that amazing creature, now that you will no longer be driven mad by the moon's power. You take the Wolfsbane Potion now, so you know what it's like." He looked into Lupin's face with such open sincerity. "Do you run through the woods in the moonlight? Do you feel the wild, primitive urges, to hunt, to howl, to be free?" Willoughby's face was turning red.

"Er," Lupin said, "mostly I curl up on my sofa and go to sleep." 

Willoughby looked crestfallen. 

"Sometimes my friend Severus throws a frisbee for me," Lupin added. He saw Arthur Weasley coming across the lobby, followed by Delores Umbridge, and quickly called out.

"Good morning, Remus," Arthur said and he grinned. "Ready?"

"Completely," Lupin said.

"Good morning, Professor Lupin," said Umbridge, smiling sweetly. Lupin felt cheerful enough to smile back at her.

"We'll be off, then," Arthur said, motioning them to the doorway. Lupin had a last sight of Willoughby calling "Good luck, Professor Lupin!" before the door closed.

Arthur led them all out onto the street, and from there, they Apparated to St. Mungo's.

It was still very early, and there was almost no traffic at the St. Mungo's ground floor. There would be more later. And, Lupin grimaced inwardly, there would be a reporter and photographs, but that would be after it was all over. An easy price to pay, he thought, as he followed Arthur and Umbridge into the elevator, and out into the corridor to the Werewolf Ward.

Harry, Ron and Hermione were sitting cross-legged on one of the beds, and Dumbledore sat in a chair beside them. All four faces looked up and smiled as he and the others entered the room.

A St. Mungo's Healer stood beside them, a plump, middle-aged woman who reminded him of Molly Weasley. She gestured to another bed beside her. 

"We won't make you wear a hospital gown," the Healer smiled as he approached the bed, "which I'm sure you're relieved to hear. But you'll want to remove your cloak, I expect. They'll be coming with the first dose shortly, and then we'll be getting your additional doses every half hour after that."

Lupin took off his new cloak and draped it at the foot of the bed, then he stretched out, leaning back into the pillows. "I'm so glad you're all here," he said.

"Severus is down with the Potions staff now," Dumbledore said from his chair. "I think he's enjoying himself."

"Are you ready, Professor?" Harry asked. 

"Yeah, your last day of nasty potions," Ron grinned. 

"Oh yes," Lupin said, looking at the three of them. They were all so grown now, they almost didn't fit on the one bed. Ron's long legs didn't seem as if they could possibly fold up tight enough, but they did. Harry wasn't much less tall. The Golden Trio, heroes the three of them, sitting on a bed next to his, laughing like the teens they were. 

And here was the greatest, most powerful wizard of this age, sitting quietly in a chair, smiling at Lupin. One of the best Potions Masters in the world was down somewhere in the depths of the hospital, watching Lupin's potions being made. How on earth, thought Lupin, did an ordinary fellow like me come to warrant this? 

Hermione wasn't chatting quite as much as Ron and Harry, and Lupin followed her eyes, to see Umbridge sitting quietly in a corner, well apart from the others - but then, she would try to be as far away from Dumbledore and Harry as possible, wouldn't she. There was something in her expression, more than merely being self-satisfied, an almost triumphant look on her face. Lupin turned away, and saw a deep frown appear on Hermione's face. 

And then a young fellow in a St. Mungo's staff robe came into the room, carrying a beaker that sent up a stream of vapor. 

"Ah," said the Healer next to Lupin, "The first dose." She took the beaker from the staff fellow. 

"Drink up, Professor," she said, handing it to Lupin.

Lupin took the beaker gingerly. This is it, he thought. No going back now. Once I drink this, I keep going, it's potions for the next few hours, until the final one, and then it's done. 

He looked at the noisome stuff in the beaker. The smell alone was terrible. "Definitely related to Wolfsbane Potion," he said, making a face. Harry and Ron grinned at him. He raised the beaker in a mock toast, then gulped it down as quickly as possible.

"I've got water here to wash your mouth out," said the Healer, seeing the look on his face. He snatched the glass she handed him and violently swished water around in his mouth, spitting it out into the bowl she held for him. 

He looked up, a bit dazed, then grinned. Harry and Ron cheered, and Hermione clapped her hands. "One down," said Ron. 

The Healer held her wand out over Lupin. "So far, so good," she said cheerfully. 

"Feel any different, Professor?" Harry asked.

Lupin shook his head. "But I don't feel any different when I take the Wolfsbane Potion, either."

"You shouldn't feel a thing," said the Healer, "apart from a nasty taste in your mouth, of course. The real test is afterwards, we'll check to see if you're still contagious." She looked at the clock. "Take a rest now, the next one will be up soon enough."

And that was how the morning went. Every half hour, a St. Mungo's staff person came from the Potions Lab carrying yet another beaker full of foul-tasting liquid. There were supposed to be differences in each one, but all Lupin could tell was that they tasted awful. But he downed each one, and the Healer would run her wand over him and nod, and say that things were going smoothly. The others would chat between times, and sometimes Lupin joined in, but more often, he'd listen. Dumbledore sat quietly in the chair next to his bed, sometimes saying something to Arthur, but mostly just sitting, occasionally looking up at Lupin. 

And Umbridge sat still, over on the other side of the room, not saying a thing. Just sat there, with her smug face. The nerve of her, Lupin couldn't help thinking. Hermione never took her eyes off the woman for long, Lupin noted.

And then it was time for the last dose. They all watched the clock, and the door, and when it came, it wasn't the staff fellow, it was the St. Mungo's Potions Master, Horace Delworth himself, carrying the beaker ceremoniously in front of him, his chest puffed out and his head held high. He handed the beaker to the Healer, and then stood back, watching Lupin intently. 

The Healer handed the beaker to Lupin. There was a hush in the room, it was so quiet that Lupin could make out the soft swishing sound of robes in the hall outside, and looked up to see Severus appear in the doorway, followed by Professor Begay, who was smiling, and gave Lupin a thumbs up. Severus nodded his head, and stood by the door. 

This is it, thought Lupin. This is the most important potion of them all, this is the one that makes it all happen. He closed his eyes, held his breath, and swallowed it all, tilting his head back to let every horrible bit of the stuff slide into his mouth and down his throat. It was the worst tasting of the lot, so bitter it was painful. He could feel it roiling in his belly. But that's good, he thought. It's there, it's doing its work. 

He felt the Healer take the beaker from his hand, and heard it clink as she set it on the bedside table. Suddenly, he realized everyone was cheering - Harry, Ron, Hermione, Arthur, the Healer. Even Dumbledore was saying something. He looked and saw all of them grinning at him. Even Severus looked pleased (for Severus, at least).

The Healer held her wand over Lupin one more time. "We'll give it a few minutes before we take a few blood samples for testing . . ." her voice petered off and she peered at her wand, and then at Lupin.

Lupin felt hot - it felt as if the stuff in his stomach was flowing out, spreading out into his body and out into his limbs. 

"I think I feel a little ill," Lupin said, and he stretched out along the bed so that he lay flat. 

And then he passed out.

"That's not supposed to happen," Professor Begay said, looking alarmed.

"Something's wrong," Hermione said. 

They all watched in horror as Lupin grew very pale, and his limbs began to jerk violently. His form seemed to grow soft and liquid, swelling up until it lost all definition, and only looked vaguely human.

Delworth and the St. Mungo's healer both looked stunned. Professor Begay's mouth was open, and his eyes looked perplexed. "The potion was fine," he said, "Everything was perfect."

Hermione shot a look at Umbridge, but she, too, looked surprised from where she sat, though she said nothing.

"Do something," Harry said to the Healer. 

The Healer ran her wand up and down Lupin's form. "I'm trying to stabilize him," she said, "but something's fighting me. There's additional magic in this potion, I don't recognize it."

Dumbledore rose to his feet and thrust out his arms. A golden glow surrounded Lupin's form, and the agitation slowed and then ceased. The soft, only vaguely human shape began to solidify, and features began to appear again. Lupin's chest rose and fell.

"He's coming back," the Healer said, making wild motions with her wand. "he's definitely alive, his heart's beating, he's breathing, it looks like he could be all right."

Dumbledore's arms were at his sides now. He looked very tired, and his eyes were sad. The Healer had stopped motioning with her wand. 

"He's - that is, Professor Lupin is, well, alive," she said, but her voice did not sound cheerful. "Everything's working, everything's, well, it's all there . . . under the circumstances . . ."

They all drew round the bed, Harry, Ron and Hermione keeping close together, Snape moving to stand beside Dumbledore, Arthur stepping to the other side.

Lupin's face and body looked wasted and thin, as if his already spare flesh had melted away, leaving him nothing more than skin and bone. Even the bones looked slighter, as if he were a boy, the lines of his face were more delicate, and his chin had receded beneath sunken cheeks. And then, as their eyes followed the line of his body under his robes, and saw the rising and falling contours under the cloth, the curves that were there that should not have been, there was a collective gasp as they all sucked in their breath.

"He's a girl," Ron said.

TBC 


	4. Chapter 4

Title: Home's the Farthest Way

Chapter: 4

Author: ReeraTheRed

Date: January 5, 2005

Rating: PG13

Summary: When Lupin is offered a werewolf cure, he dreams of no longer living in dread of hurting or killing an innocent person. But will things go smoothly? RLSS, romance but NOT SLASH.

Acknowledgements: Thanks to Michelle for beta-reading, and thanks for all the reviews - I'm glad people are willing to give this a chance. 

Author's Note: Well, I said this was going to be RLSS, but not slash, didn't I? 

I've been having a wonderful time re-watching all the Jeremy Brett Sherlock Holmes dvds, speaking of people who are logical, temperamental and morose (and have gorgeous voices), and, of course, have kind, wise and supportive friends.

-  
-

Chapter 4

"He's a girl," Ron said.

"Woman," Hermione said, without thinking. 

The form on the bed was definitely a woman, no matter that Lupin's face looked, as always, so young, beneath the lines and grey hair. Or that his - her - body was so thin and wasted now.

Hermione's eyes moved up to look at the faces of everyone else standing around the bed: Harry and Ron, eyes wide with shock and astonishment, Dumbledore with his sad expression. And Professor Snape seemed transfixed, his eyes locked on Lupin's face, his body completely still, as if he'd forgotten even to breathe. 

And Umbridge, who was standing now, and, though she'd seemed as surprised as any of them during Lupin's transformation, there was now a look of smug self-righteousness on her face.

"What did you do to him?" Harry said, his eyes fierce.

Umbridge looked back, a twisted smile on her face. "Why, child," she said, "how could I have done this? I didn't go near Professor Lupin."

"It was the potion, the last one," Snape said, eyes still locked on Lupin's face. Then he looked up, and his eyes flashed, "Get your hand away from that beaker!"

They all turned, to see Delworth, his hand hovering just above the final beaker on the bedside table. Delworth froze, and turned pale. His mouth gaped open like a fish.

"I watched," Snape said, his voice soft and deliberate, "Everything went perfectly, in the laboratory. Someone had to have added something after it left the lab, when it was brought here." He stepped toward the foot of Lupin's bed, moving toward the other side where Delworth stood. Delworth staggered back, bumping into the bed next to Lupin's.

"Are you trying to divert suspicion elsewhere, Professor Snape?" Umbridge said. "You were there, after all, in the lab." She gave her simpering smile. "I hardly think an ex-Death Eater is in any position to accuse anyone."

"I did not touch anything," Snape said. "There are plenty of witnesses who will verify that." 

"He's right," Professor Begay said. "Professor Snape acted as an observer only. And the potion was tested, before it left the lab. Someone must have tampered with it." And he, too, looked at Delworth, an expression of horrified disbelief on his honest face.

"You added something to it when you carried it out of the lab," Snape said, still stalking toward Delworth.  
Delworth made a terrified eeping sound, and tried to move away, but Harry and Ron stepped to block him while Hermione drew out her wand.

Delworth looked straight at Umbridge, his face pleading, but she cocked her head. "Horace, what have you been up to?" she said. She looked at the others and added, innocently, "Whatever he's done, I certainly had nothing to do with it."

Delworth's mouth fell open even further. He froze, then looked, first at Snape drawing nearer from one side, and Harry, Ron and Hermione blocking him on the other. He closed his mouth, and, with a bang, he vanished from the room.

"He's Apparated!" said Harry.

"Yes," Umbridge said, and she stood officiously. "I will return to the Ministry at once to report this. Officials will be sent out to apprehend Master Delworth." She smiled at them all one last time, and then left the room.

"Arthur," Dumbledore said, "Return to the Ministry as well. I would prefer any investigation to be in your hands."

Arthur Weasley nodded. "I'll get on it. And don't worry, I don't believe Umbridge for one minute when she says she had nothing to do with this, and I'll let that be known." He hurried from the room.

"Severus, Professor Begay," Dumbledore said, quietly. "I ask that you both examine the empty beakers, and see if you can determine exactly what was done to alter the potion."

Snape bowed his head. "Of course, Headmaster." He and Professor Begay gathered up the beakers from the bedside table, and quickly left the room.

The St. Mungo's Healer, who had stood frozen in astonishment through the whole confrontation, turned back to Lupin's unconscious body on the hospital bed. 

"He, er, she," she hesitated, "I mean, Professor Lupin, is stable now. I'd like to get some other people in here with me to see what alternatives we have." She began to make summoning motions with her wand. Within minutes, a number of other St. Mungo's Healers came into the room. Dumbledore, Harry, Ron and Hermione reluctantly moved away from Lupin's bedside to make room.

One of the Healers, an officious looking man who was clearly one of the officers of the hospital, approached them. "I think it would be best if you left for now," he said. "I promise, you will be called as soon as anything is known."

Dumbledore held up his hand as Harry started to protest. "No, Harry, he is right. I think it is best if the three of you leave for now. You can do no good here. I promise, you will be told as soon as anything is known."

Harry nodded, though clearly unhappy about it. He, Ron and Hermione made for the exit.

The Healer nodded. "And you, sir, may I escort you to the door?"

"Oh, that will not be necessary," Dumbledore smiled. "I am staying, of course." He settled back in his chair. The Healer frowned, and Dumbleodore's smile faded a little, and he said, "Sir, an attack has already been made against my friend by a person connected with St. Mungo's. I'm not about to leave the Professor alone."

The Healer drew up, and his mouth tightened. Then he nodded and returned to his colleagues around Lupin's bedside.

Dumbledore waited. And, far sooner than he'd expected, Snape and Begay returned. Begay's gentle face was even more troubled than it had been before, while the look on Snape's face was ice cold. The other Healers grew quiet, and all turned to listen.

"We have isolated the problem," Professor Begay said, looking at Snape. "An additional element was added, as suspected. Everything points to a particular potion, one that had to be prepared in advance, and added to the final draft." 

"A potion was added to deliberately change Professor Lupin's gender?" Dumbledore said.

"That is not the usual result of this potion," Snape said. "Master Delworth evidently did not take into account certain interactions between the two potions."

"This potion," Professor Begay swallowed, "It's actually a fairly common one. It's not used on humans, of course." He looked at Snape.

"It is used on animals," Snape said.

"So what was their intent?" Dumbledore said. 

Snape's eyes were as hard as obsidian. "This potion is commonly used for neutering animals. It appears they intended to sterilize him."

There was a gasp from one or two of the Healers.

"If things had not gone wrong," Snape continued, "no one might ever have known."

"A final end to the werewolf problem, indeed," Dumbledore said. He closed his eyes.

-  
-

Lupin slowly became aware. Not again, he thought, not another hospital bed. I thought I was through with these for awhile. He could tell his new robes were gone, and instead, he recognized the all-too-familiar feel of a hospital gown, and cold air on his exposed arms and legs.

But I have arms and legs, he thought, wiggling them slightly. They moved. Now, why was I here? Oh yes, the cure. The cure! The horrible thought struck him, it didn't go right. It didn't work! 

His eyes flew open. Hazy shapes resolved themselves, he saw the ceiling above him, and he turned his head, wildly, trying to focus on the vague forms around him.

"Steady, Remus, steady," he heard Dumbledore's voice near his head, and he turned, squinting, until the uncertain blob cleared, and became Dumbledore's familiar white beard, and long nose. And behind him, the black shadow of Snape. There was no smile on Dumbledore's face, his eyes were sad and concerned, and Snape's face looked pale and drawn. Lupin's heart sank.

"I take it things did not go well," Lupin said. His own voice startled him, it was so high, like a boy's. "Did not go well," he said again, trying to make it lower, but not succeeding. I must be very weak, he thought. "What time is it?"

"It is late, Remus," Dumbledore said, "Evening. And there has been a problem, yes."

Lupin closed his eyes, and tried to quell the rising sorrow within him. "It didn't work," he said, his voice still sounding so strange to him.

"Actually, no. The cure did work," Dumbledore said. Lupin sucked in his breath, and he looked at Dumbledore's face.

"The St. Mungo's people tell me that you are cured," Dumbledore went on. "Your body has been through a shock, but it is essentially healthy, though you'll need time to recover.

"But yes, Remus," Dumbledore said, "Things did not go normally. The potion was tampered with."

"Umbridge," Lupin said. Even with all our precautions, he thought, she managed to get to me.

"We do not know for certain," Dumbledore said. "If she did, it was through an agent."

"What did she do to me?" Lupin asked, still trying to speak in lower tones, but his voice wasn't cooperating.

"Not what was intended, but something else happened." Dumbledore moved a little closer. "You are fully human, Remus, you are healthy." Dumbledore hesitated, then sighed. "You have been transformed into a woman, Remus."

It took a moment for Dumbledore's words to register. A woman? But I don't feel any different, Lupin thought. And then he thought, but I wouldn't, would I. I'm not such a fool to think that I would. He felt a horrible weight in the pit of his stomach. No, this can't be. His hand moved as if of its own accord, to fall on his chest, searching for flat muscle there, and finding instead an unfamiliar softness. He managed to stop his hand from searching elsewhere, to see what might or might not be there. It's true, he thought (deliberately thinking, I am a 'he' no matter what my body may be). He began to shake, and forced himself to be quiet. 

"The Healers here tell me that this can be reversed, that you can be returned to your former self," Dumbledore said. "But the transformation is irrevocably tied to the werewolf cure. To reverse the one requires the other to be reversed as well."

"And once the cure has been done once," Lupin said, "it can never work a second time." 

"I am afraid so," Dumbledore said. 

Lupin closed his eyes. "So, I may be transformed back, but I lose the cure, or I stay as I am, cured, but in a woman's body." He turned to look at Dumbledore. "And what happens to the program? What has the Press been told?"

"As of now," Dumbledore said, "the Press has been told nothing. Arthur has managed to stall them."

"And if I decide to change back, what then?"

"It could place the entire program in jeopardy. Even if we manage to keep the tampering secret, the competency of the Ministry will be called into question, I fear," Dumbledore said. "This could destroy any trust the werewolves have in us."

Lupin was silent. This is a dream, he thought, I want to wake up, and have this all go away. He looked into Dumbledore's face, trying to read anything there, and then above that, at Snape, whose eyes seemed to be locked on Lupin's face. Am I so strange, then? thought Lupin. 

"You need rest, Remus," Dumbledore said, rising to his feet. "You need to eat, and then go back to sleep. You do not have to decide this now. If you are to change back, it must be done within before the next full moon, but that gives you a week to make your decision--"

"No," Lupin said, "I need no time. I know my choice." I don't want to do this, I don't want to. But there is no choice. "I will remain as I am." 

Something flashed across Snape's face, but it was gone too quickly for Lupin to catch. Anguish for me, my friend?

"You are certain?" Dumbledore said. 

Lupin nodded. "If only for the sake of the program, I must."

Dumbledore's face seemed even sadder, and Lupin tried to smile. "And for my own sake, as well. I would have cut off my right arm for this. I think that, even if I had known this transformation was the price, I would still have gone through with it."

Dumbledore placed a hand on Lupin's arm. "You realize, this must be kept secret. Whatever has been done to you, you cannot seek public justice for it. The credibility of the program is at stake."

"I understand. What will you say publicly?"

"One of the Healers suggested a finding a medical condition that would require this transformation as a cure. We will say that it was discovered while you were undergoing the werewolf cure, and this was performed on you in addition." Dumbledore smiled. "You won't have to make a public appearance, or speak to the Press. Arthur and I will handle that.

Lupin tried to smile. "That's one relief, I suppose."

Dumbledore squeezed Lupin's arm. "I'll go and speak with Arthur now." Dumbledore looked at Snape.

"I will stay here," Snape said.

"Good. Keep me informed, Severus." Dumbledore turned back at Lupin. "I'll let everyone know, what you've decided to do."

"Albus," Lupin said. His voice sounded far more anguished than he'd intended.

Dumbledore looked at Lupin, and his face warmed. "Your friends love you, Remus. I won't lie to you, this will take some adjusting on everyone's part. But this transformation isn't unknown, after all, in our world. You will always be our Remus, no matter what shape you wear. And I think you'll find, in time, that this will come to feel normal to you." And with that, he turned and walked off.

And that's it, I have chosen, no turning back now. I'm a woman, she thought. Dear Merlin, what have I done?

She heard a rustling sound beside her. Snape, sitting down in the chair vacated by Dumbledore.

"How do you feel?" Snape asked. Lupin turned to look at him, but he wore his unreadable expression.

"Like a freak," Lupin said. "Not that I haven't felt that way before."

"You still look a great deal like yourself," Snape said. "The same expressions cross your face. You even sound like yourself, in a way."

Lupin leaned back into the pillows. "I still feel like myself, except when I hear my voice." She took a deep breath. "I suppose, it's not exactly me I have to be concerned with. But the world is a different place for women. The rules aren't the same. The anatomy I think I can deal with. The conventions women are held to, I'm not so sure."

"You need to eat something," Snape said, reaching over, presumably to something on the bedside table. "You're tired, and you've had a shock."

"And you're being patient," Lupin said. "Things are indeed bad."

"I'm tired as well," Snape said, "Now behave, and drink this." He gestured at the bed, and the head began to rise. Lupin felt her shoulders being lifted until she sat almost upright. Snape held a mug to her lips. She took it from him, her hands a little shaky, and she sipped at the warm liquid. 

"I have a sleeping potion for you after you finish this," he said. "You should sleep all night."

She looked at him. His hair was greasy and stringy, and the lines in his face seemed deeper, his nose and cheeks more gaunt. "You've had a hard day, yourself, haven't you? What exactly did happen?"

"In the morning," he said.

She finished the broth, and he passed over a second mug, filled with the sleeping potion. She drank it slowly. It was warm and pleasant tasting, and she could feel it working before she'd finished it. 

Severus took the mug from her fingers, and she felt the bed lower until she lay flat. She felt Snape fuss with the pillows, then pull the covers up to her chin. I have to stay covered now, she thought. All these proprieties. 

"Thank you, Severus," she said.

"I'll stay, until you're asleep," he said.

And she felt him there, a stir in the air beside her, felt his eyes on her face, until she drifted off into sleep.

TBC 


	5. Chapter 5

Title: Home's the Farthest Way 

Chapter: 5

Author: ReeraTheRed

Date: January 18, 2005

Rating: PG13

Summary: When Lupin is offered a werewolf cure, he dreams of no longer living in dread of hurting or killing an innocent person. But will things go smoothly? RLSS, romance but NOT SLASH.

Acknowledgements: Thanks to beta-readers Patti, Michelle, Liz and Linda

Author's Note: Wow, such interesting and intelligent reviews - I find the different reactions to this completely fascinating. I'm not at all offended if anyone doesn't like this, so don't be afraid of telling me. I know that not everything is going to be everyone's cup of tea. There are some really excellent stories out there that I simply cannot read because they hit my own buttons - I can't do cross-generational romances, for example (so no SSHG for me, or any Snarry's).

I'm a Ranma 1/2 fan, and I guess once you've read that, switching gender just isn't unusual anymore.

-  
-

Chapter 5

Lupin awakened to the strange sounds of people in the room. Not my room. Not my bed. And then remembered.

Panic hit. No! I've changed my mind, I didn't mean it, yesterday! I can't do this!

She felt her face crumple up, and she turned on her side, curling up, trying not to sob, trying to keep her shoulders from shaking. There would be time for that, later, when she was alone. Merlin knew there had been many nights in the past, at home, alone, that had been spent sobbing quietly in misery and despair. But not here, there are people here, and they can't see me this way.

So she took deep, slow breaths, and managed to relax, straightening out her legs in the bed.

She opened her eyes, hesitantly. It was morning - bright light streamed through the windows. It's late May, she thought, the weather outside must be beautiful.

"Ah, you're awake," a cheerful, unfamiliar voice said, and a young woman's face appeared next to Lupin's bed. "How are you feeling?"

Lupin managed a half-hearted smile. "Weak as a kitten."

"That's to be expected," the young woman said. "I expect you'd also like a trip to the loo." She gestured with her head toward to bathroom at the end of the ward. "The Healer said you should be able to walk over, with some help. And we can get you washed up."

"Uh, yes," Lupin said. Am I ready to face this? But her bladder wasn't going to be able to wait.

The young woman helped Lupin sit up, and swing her legs over the side. Lupin was shocked to see how thin her legs were; wasted, bony things, gnarled toes at the end. She reached down and touched the floor with her feet, and tried putting her weight on her legs, only for them to give way under her. If the staff woman hadn't grabbed one arm, she'd have fallen to the floor.

Another woman who'd been tidying at the other end of the room came over and took Lupin's other arm, and Lupin let herself be half-carried as she stumbled to the bathroom.

"I expect you'll want to look in the mirror," the staff woman said. "I know this has come on you suddenly, and you haven't had a chance to take it all in."

"I'll draw you a bath," the other woman said, "and you can have a little time in here, to, er, look things over."

I'll have to sit down to pee, Lupin thought, as they shut the door. Merlin, what's that going to be like?

First, there was the mirror. Severus was right, she did look like herself. The face looking back at her was almost that of the boy she'd been, many years ago, particularly with the man's haircut that surrounded it, if it weren't for the deep lines and sunken cheeks, and the silver hair mixed in with the tawny. My own face, but softer. And looking like hell, worse than after a full moon before I was on the Wolfsbane potion.

"At least I won't have to worry about shaving," she said, trying to smile.

The two women looked at each other, and clearly surpressed a laugh. "Not on your face, at least," one of them said. "But don't worry about that today."

The two women helped her sit on the toilet, and, after a lot of helpful instructions, that was got out of the way. Lupin carefully did not look, it was enough to master unfamiliar muscles. I suppose I should be glad everything's working, and I don't have wear a diaper, she thought.

By the time that business was finished with, the bath was full, and the two women helped her slide into it. Seeing the look on Lupin's face, one of them said, "Tell you what, we'll leave you in here for a little while, give you some time to yourself, and then we'll come back and help you with anything. If there's any trouble, the room's spelled to give us an alarm, so you'll be all right."

And they left her.

This is it, Lupin thought, I've got to look sometime. She started with something safe. Her hand. She held it in front of her face. Not my hand, she thought, not anything like the man's hand I had only yesterday. Even taking into account the wasting from the spell, it was so much smaller, the fingers more slender, more delicate. When she reached for the bar of soap, she had to stretch further than before. Of course, she thought, my arms won't be as long. I'll be shorter, everything will be smaller.

She held a foot out of the water. It was like her hand, smaller, smoother, more slender. The same with her knee, it was less knobby. Women don't have the larger joints that men have.

Her hairy leg looked terrible. It's not fair, she thought, remembering the staff woman's words. No one thinks a man's hairy legs look bad. She sighed, don't worry about that today. There's enough to deal with today without that.

All right, there was no help for it. And she looked down at her chest. I have breasts. She closed her eyes and let that thought sink in. You have some other things, too, and don't have some things, came the thought in her head, but she pushed that aside. All in good time. Let's just think about the breasts.

Middle-aged breasts. Not to mention wasted, thin, and flabby, but that could be part of her current bad condition. She couldn't help smiling wryly to herself, I used to think breasts were some of the most beautiful things on this earth, she thought. Now, they're just bags of fat on my chest. And another thought, I'm going to have to wear a bra. Won't that be fun. The whole terrible thought of women's undergarments began to nudge her brain, and again, she pushed that thought aside.

It took a long time before she could bring herself to do the next bit. She skirted around it, investigating hips that seemed far too wide compared with what she'd had before, and a soft, curving belly, before she could bear to look there. And when she finally did look THERE, she was surprised at how little she felt. If you'd told me, only a day or two ago, that IT would be gone, I'd have felt horrified. Like a living death. But now, I don't miss it at all. What was the fuss about?

I suppose I'll be more interested in one on another man, she thought. And another set of thoughts had to be shut away - no sexuality today, please, I'm too tired. I'm sure that will rear its ugly head soon enough. But it already has, hasn't it? I was just helped into a bath by two young, attractive women, and didn't even notice. And it wasn't just because I'm tired.

I suppose, she thought, looking THERE again, it's not exactly gone, is it? A woman isn't a eunuch, she just carries everything inside. It's just changed shape, and pulled up inside me.

Along with a lot of other things she'd never had before, inside her - dear Merlin, please let me be too old to go through menses!

She sank down into the water. Everything is wrong, everything is strange. I want to go home, I want to be back home, in my own house, in my own rooms, in my own body.

And she quietly began to sob.

-  
-

They left her in the bathroom for a long time. When they did come, carrying towels and a fresh hospital robe, she felt completely drained and exhausted, eyes swollen, and throat a little sore, but the tears had stopped. She let herself be helped out of the tub, and dried, and wrapped in the new robes, and half carried back to the bed. Another aide, a young man this time, came over with an enormous tray covered with food, and set it up before her.

"You'll need to eat all of this," the aide said, "Especially this--" he pointed to a large mug "-it's your first potion of the day. You'll be getting different drafts throughout the day, to build up your strength."

He left, and Lupin looked down at the overwhelming number of things on the tray. She managed to eat everything, slowly forcing herself to take one bite after another. Everything tasted like cardboard, dry and uncomfortable in her mouth, but then, even the finest cuisine wouldn't tempt her palate at this moment.

She slept most of the day. Every so often, someone would come and lift her up, and pour a potion down her throat, or make her eat something. Cards began to appear on the bedside table and on the tray-table at the foot of the bed, and she sometimes had the sense that people were there, by the bed, while she was asleep, but they were always gone when she woke.

There were also various trips to the bathroom during the day. She managed better and better each time, and was able to walk unaided by the afternoon. I just have to remember to sit, she thought. Her face in the mirror also looked better each time, more full. Her body seemed to be filling out, too, and she had to admit she felt better. The healing potions were working.

By late afternoon, she was awake enough to read the copy of the Daily Prophet someone had left for her. She had to hunt for the article, it wasn't on the front page, but it was on the third. Just a small paragraph, with the headline "First Werewolf Cured at St. Mungo's." There was a line mentioning "Professor Lupin's condition" that required an additional procedure. The article said it was a sudden appearance of testicular cancer that wouldn't respond to conventional treatment and required a "gender adjustment." So that's what I'm supposed to have had, she thought. The entire proceeding was proclaimed a blazing success by all, though the final proof would be when the full moon appeared at the end of the week. She glanced down to the door at the end of the ward leading to the observation room. There would be a lot of people there, in a very few days, all watching, and her stomach lurched at the thought.

She heard Arthur Weasley and Dumbledore's voices in the hallway, and she put the paper down, the thought of a visit doubly welcome for the distraction from her own thoughts, though the sight of their grave faces as they came through the doorway caused her stomach to lurch yet again. But she smiled, genuinely happy to see them.

Dumbledore sat down in the chair by the bed, and Arthur sat on the next bed over.

"I've been dealing with people at the Ministry all day," Arthur said. His face was drawn and tired. "I can at least assure you that everyone is extremely upset about what happened. It's just a question of what to do about it."

"What did happen?" Lupin asked.

Arthur glanced at Dumbledore. Dumbledore looked sorrowfully at Lupin.

And then he told her.

Lupin blinked, stunned. Her mouth opened and closed several times, before she managed to stammer, "I never planned to have children." And that caused another ache, how could I have a child, when I can't even provide for myself?

"I think someone feared that others might do so, once they'd been cured," Dumbledore said. "You were clearly the test case."

"Oh," Lupin said. "Did it work? Am I sterile?"

Arthur grimaced. "No, I'm told that you are, um, not."

Lupin nodded, eyes still wide and dazed. ""Who did this?" she managed to say.

"Healer Delworth doctored the potion," Dumbledore said. "He has fled, but the Ministry has an arrest warrant issued for him."

"What about Umbridge?" Lupin asked, voice getting a little stronger.

"She denies any involvement," Arthur said, swallowing. "There's no proof that she had anything to do with it." He looked almost desperately into Lupin's eyes. "No one believes her. It's just that no formal action can be taken against her. Her career will suffer, there's already talk of kicking her even further down in the hierarchy, and maybe even eventually firing her altogether, but that will take time. For the moment, she still holds her position."

Arthur looked at Dumbledore again, and Dumbledore said, "This means that she will be present, during the observation at the full moon, when the press is there."

Lupin clutched at the bedsheets, knuckles turning white, and said, very quietly, "I don't want that woman near me."

"She will be kept away from you, I promise," Arthur said.

Lupin forced herself to relax, and nodded. "I'll have to live with it. For the sake of the program."

Arthur breathed a sigh of relief. "For what it's worth, the Ministry people and the staff at St. Mungo's are very grateful that you've agreed to keep everything quiet, that you're going along with the public story that's been created. The Ministry has already agreed to some kind of reparation for you. Your costs here at St. Mungo's will be taken care of, of course. Plus the Ministry has already authorized some additional funds right away. For clothing and such - Molly will stop by tomorrow and get your measurements, and do some shopping for you."

Clothes, thought Lupin, in horror. Tomorrow, worry about that tomorrow.

"There's talk of more than that," Arthur said, "I don't want to get your hopes up too much, but I'm working on a bit more for you. You have a strong malpractice grievance against the Ministry and St. Mungo's, and both places are aware of it. And they're aware of what you have sacrificed for the program."

"Thank you, Arthur," Lupin said, "I do appreciate everything you're doing."

"It's a lot to take in, I know," Arthur said.

"Oh, yes," Lupin said. She leaned back in the pillows and closed her eyes.

"We'll leave you now, Remus," Dumbledore said, standing up. "Rest, and get well."

And they left her.

Too much to think about, Lupin thought. And she slept for the rest of the afternoon.

-  
-

Much later, when the light in the windows had the reddish cast of sunset, she heard a familiar shushing of robes, and looked up to see the long black form of Snape in the doorway. She gave a genuine smile.

He sat down in the chair, and held up a paper bag that gave off a very enticing aroma. Lupin found herself drawing up, nose twitching, for the first time all day. I must be feeling better, she thought.

"The St. Mungo's people told me you could eat real food now," Snape said, "And that the more you ate, the better." He opened the bag, fished around for a moment, and pulled something out.

"Eggrolls!" Lupin said, surprised at the eagerness in her voice. And her stomach began to rumble. "I didn't realize until just this moment that I was sick of potions and hospital food."

He put an eggroll on a napkin, and held it out to her. She took it from his hand, and forced herself to eat it slowly. He took one out for himself, and began to eat as well. She finished hers long before he did, but he handed her another.

"It's the first time I've been hungry all day," she said.

"You look much better than yesterday," he said, handing her yet another eggroll from the bag.

She could feel his eyes studying her face. "I'm starting to get used to things," she said. "I think. I had a bit of a crisis this morning." Snape raised an eyebrow. "In the bathroom," Lupin went on.

"Ah," Snape said. "Quite."

"Yes," Lupin said. "I'm assured that everything is healthy and working as it should be. All the correct parts are there."

Snape froze, for a moment, and then he carefully began to study the bag he held.

"And then Albus and Arthur came by a little while ago, and told me what happened," Lupin said. "I still haven't quite managed to wrap my mind around that. I'm not sure I ever will." She told him what Arthur had said about Umbridge, that no immediate action could be taken against her, and a scowl crossed Snape's face.

"So that's been today," Lupin said. "Right now, I'm concentrating on getting better, and getting used to the body. Tomorrow, I'll have to start dealing with other things, like clothes, but I'm trying not to think about that." She finished her eggroll, and Snape immediately passed her another one.

"Is this body so different?" Snape asked, very carefully.

She thought for a moment. "Yes, and no," she said. "It's funny, you'd think I would hardly notice it, when I turn into something that has four legs and a tail every month. But I expect four legs and a tail to be different. This new form," she held up her hand, "it's so close to what I had before, I keep expecting it to be exactly the same, and it isn't. It's almost the same, and I forget, and then I'll reach out for something, and I have to reach a little further. Or I look at myself, and it's just enough off to throw me."

Snape sat absolutely still, and wore his inscrutable expression. She wondered what he was thinking.

"But I know I'll get used to it," she went on. "Frankly, it's not all that different from every other time I've been in hospital, I always feel as if I'm rediscovering my body."

Snape nodded.

She thought for a moment. "I meant what I said, yesterday. I'm still better off, even with this." She turned on her side, head against the pillows, to face Snape. "To know that I am truly cured, and everything that means for me, I cannot tell you what joy that gives me." She smiled at him, and felt a warmth rising inside her, and knew that she really meant it. "I'll learn whatever I have to learn, and it's not really that much. A year from now, this will all be normal, I know that. Compared to my life, before this, these adjustments are nothing."

Snape's black eyes met hers, but she still could not read anything in them.

"I am still myself," she went on, "That will not change. I am still Remus Lupin, no matter what shape my body takes."

Snape nodded, black eyes still meeting hers. "You are."

She closed her eyes. "I do confess, there is one thing that frightens me more than anything. And that is, how everyone I know is going to feel about this. I can actually forget about how different I look now, I don't see myself every moment, but everyone who has to look at me, hear my voice. . ."

Snape's face softened a little. "At first. But, as you say, soon, this will be normal." And he held out yet another eggroll.

She was caught by his eyes. There was something there, but she couldn't decipher it. She took the eggroll from his outstretched hand, and felt her fingertips touch his, lightly, as she pulled it from him. Snape didn't jerk away, the way he usually did when touched by anyone. He probably understands how freakish I feel, she thought, how untouchable, and is making an effort for my sake.

She munched on the eggroll, and he continued to watch her closely. I have to get used to my friends staring at me, she thought, they'll all have to, until they're comfortable with the way I look. She found herself studying him, his long, pale face, his hard, black eyes, and that ridiculously huge, hooked nose of his. Not so ridiculous as it was when he was a boy, he'd grown into it, and the craggy lines of age suited it better than the softness of boyhood. She gave him a smile, and he did not smile back, but he never did. Poor Severus. Be glad this didn't happen to you, she thought, and had to stifle a grin at the thought of how he'd look if it had. And how he'd react.

Eventually, the seemingly bottomless bag of eggrolls was empty. Lupin felt no more than moderately full, though she had eaten by far the bulk of them. Another potion was brought over for her, the last one of the day, and the bed was laid down flat so she could sleep. Her last sight was Snape leaning back in the chair beside her, and even after she closed her eyes, she was comfortably aware of his presence there, watching over her, until she fell asleep.

TBC


	6. Chapter 6

Title: Home's the Farthest Way

Chapter: 6

Author: ReeraTheRed

Date: January 27, 2005

Rating: PG13

Summary: When Lupin is offered a werewolf cure, he dreams of no longer living in dread of hurting or killing an innocent person. But will things go smoothly? RLSS, romance but NOT SLASH.

Acknowledgements: Thanks to beta readers Michelle, Patti and Liz

Author's Note: Thanks for all the reviews – the different reactions have been REALLY interesting. Makes me want to have a discussion about all this.

This is not about being a true transsexual, this seems to be more about what changes about a character if they are male or female. I didn't expect this story to go so heavily into this, but I find I have to. Obviously, these are my thoughts on this subject, I'm very interesting in hearing everyone else's thoughts.

-

-

-

Chapter 6

Lupin felt amazingly better the next morning, and her legs supported her easily as she slid out of the hospital bed and walked to the bathroom.

The strange face that looked back in the mirror also looked much better. The sunken cheeks had filled out, the old scars and lines were greatly reduced. She made faces at herself in the mirror, grimacing, sticking her tongue out, stretching her mouth out as wide as it would go. Everything moved, all the muscles responded. This is me, she thought. It's still me. Just different.

She showered. Her body had filled out as much as her face, the terrible wasted thinness was nearly gone. This meant the breasts had filled out as well, at least to some extent. I am clearly not going to be pneumatic, she thought, with some amusement. A number of adjectives ran through her mind: buxom, built, stacked – all these things I am not. And a pang at the thought, of back in the old school days, James and Sirius comparing the attributes of the girls. They'd have considered this figure I have now not worth bothering with, she thought. Would they have considered me not worth bothering with as well, if I'd been female back then? It was all right to be an ordinary looking fellow, but an ordinary looking girl? To them?

Thank Merlin I'm the age I am now, where it does not matter so much, where my life is about far more important things than my appearance.

She toweled off, put on a fresh hospital gown, and went back out into the ward. Back at her bed, one of the staff women was setting up the tray-table, which was covered with food and potions. She found herself feeling genuinely hungry, and easily downed everything in front of her.

She'd just put down the last mug of potion when a round, grey-haired witch with a no-nonsense air and dressed in a healer's robe came into the ward.

"Professor Lupin," the woman said, "I'm Healer Chandler, I wondered if I might speak with you for a bit."

Lupin nodded, and the woman sat down in the chair beside the bed.

"I handle our gender re-assignment cases," the Healer said. "I thought I might have a talk with you, just to see how you were getting on."

Lupin gulped a little when she heard the words "gender re-assignment" but she managed a wry half-smile.

"Of course, your case is so different from our typical re-assignments. We do get the odd case, where it's done for medical reasons, instead of psychological, but either way, it's been completely voluntary, usually with a reasonable amount of preparation time for the patient." She frowned. "You had no warning of this at all, of course."

"No," Lupin said. "But I did have a choice, I could have changed back."

The Healer looked at her thoughtfully. "I don't have a script for you, a chart of steps, the way I do for my other patients. Your case is unique." She pursed her lips, and then nodded her head. "Well, I'm a great believer in information. You're a professor, so I expect you are, too. I can give you that, if nothing else."

"I would appreciate that."

"Very well, then." The Healer shifted in the chair. "You are aware, I'm sure, that Magic cannot change the basics of who we are. It's nearly impossible for a mage to transfigure his basic self in any significant way for more than a few hours. Some people can't even get a haircut that lasts more than a day, though that's extreme. There's a basic pattern, in all of us, and we inevitably revert to it. Or we'd all be doing beautifying spells on ourselves, making ourselves thinner, or what have you."

"I take it that's not the case with me," Lupin said.

"No. It is possible, though difficult, to change that basic pattern with Magic, in certain, very limited ways. A new pattern has been imposed on your body. Everything that was male is now female, and your body has rebuilt itself accordingly.

"But everything else about you is the same, at least relatively," the Healer continued. "For example, your basic form. I've had a look at your records. You were, as I understand it, a slender man of medium height. You are now a slender woman of medium height. You understand that medium height for a woman is shorter than medium height for a man."

"I figured that out," Lupin said.

"If you had been a tall, broad-shouldered man, you would now be a tall, broad-shouldered woman. If you'd been a small, slight man, you'd be a small, slight woman." The Healer pursed her lips. "More than once, I've had to explain to a great big fellow that a gender change would not turn him into a delicate, wispy creature. Or a slight man that he won't keep his current height and weight, and become an athlete."

Lupin blinked.

"Your own basic nature also will not change," said the Healer. "I've talked with some of your friends, I hope you don't mind." The Healer pulled out a notepad from her robe, and looked at it. "Your friends describe you as kind, sensible, intelligent, gentle, bookish, quiet, humorous, gracious, highly civilized, reliable, and very nurturing and supportive. More than one of your friends described you as their rock, or words to that effect."

"Goodness, how dull," said Lupin.

"These are excellent characteristics in a man or a woman." The Healer looked at Lupin. "There's a lot of common ground in what is considered socially acceptable in men and women's behaviors. From what your friends tell me, you don't have anything in your behavior or nature that would be considered socially unacceptable in a woman."

"I suppose I always was an androgynous person," Lupin said, wistfully.

"No one's attacking your previous masculinity by any means. By all accounts, you were a completely acceptable male. But there's nothing in your nature that isn't completely acceptable for a female, from what I've heard."

Lupin looked down at her hands on the bedsheets.

"It means you will have a much easier adjustment to this change than some other people. There are behaviors that society considers perfectly acceptable for men, but not for women, and behaviors that are thought acceptable for women but not men. But mostly, there's a whole lot of overlap between the two. You seem to fall more in the overlap section, that's all."

She went on. "This is not to say that there are not a lot of conventions that women have to deal with that men do not; there are. Some people find they like it, others don't. Some choose to defy convention, others to conform. But the same can be said for born women. You have the same choices, and the same consequences.

"But as you sit here now," the Healer continued, "you look fully a woman, your manner and speech, the way you move, you are a perfectly acceptable woman. I can see these mannerisms all being perfectly acceptable for a man as well, when done in a male body." She took a deep breath. "You are still the same person you were before. That does not have to change."

Lupin nodded. "I know that."

"Good, I'm glad to hear it. You'd be surprised at how many people think they're going to have a complete personality change. People can have some very funny ideas about what makes a man or a woman." The Healer shook her head. "It doesn't hurt that you're older, of course. You've got a well developed ego, a stronger sense of who you are, you're less likely to feel that your identity is determined by outward attributes like clothing or appearance. A much younger person, or someone with a less well developed sense of self, they'd have much more trouble with a change like this." The Healer frowned, "There are so many people who feel that who they are is determined by the clothes they wear."

Lupin shook her head. "No, that's not me. I tend to forget what I'm wearing, most of the time." She paused. "But I have to confess, I'm not looking forward to dealing with a lot of things."

The Healer nodded. "I can imagine. Your body is that of a completely healthy woman. This means menses will occur, probably within a few weeks. And everything that goes with that – birth control, for example. Hormonal cycles – with the additional complications caused by being a werewolf, of course."

Lupin could feel herself flushing and she had to force herself not to clutch the sheets. Birth control would, at least, not be much of an issue, she thought, any more than it had been before.

"We've got some literature, you can read up on it all." The Healer smiled gently at her. "It's really not that bad. You'll find most things you have to deal with are more annoying than anything." She hesitated, and then said, "Your sexuality also is likely to be different than before. That will probably be the biggest change for you."

Lupin gulped, this time she did grip the sheets.

"Odds are, you're the female equivalent of what you were," the Healer said. "That is, if you were a heterosexual male, you'll be a heterosexual female. It's not always the case, but that's most likely."

Lupin remembered the two women helping her into the bath the day before, how she hadn't even noticed. "I think it's already started," she said. And she shrugged, "But I confess, it's not as if sexuality was a large part of my life, before."

"Not uncommon among the lone werewolves like yourself," the Healer said. "Again, you're older, you're not some young thing full of raging hormones, so that makes things easier. What you'll mostly notice is that barriers will appear, when you talk with your male friends, that weren't there before. You won't be quite safe for them, anymore. Subjects will become uncomfortable to talk about – you've probably experienced them yourself, in the past, as a male with your female friends. And, of course, barriers that were up with your female friends will drop. You weren't entirely safe with them before, now you will be."

"That's what concerns me most," said Lupin. "How this will affect my relations with people. How I'll be viewed."

"Well, as you know, the wizard world won't think twice about this kind of change. This is practically normal, compared to some of the problems we get here in St. Mungo's. Anyone who meets you for the first time won't be bothered at all. Very different from the Muggle world, I understand, there's a huge stigma, sad to say." The Healer shook her head.

"But the people who know me. . ."

"They'll have the hardest time, yes, but you'll be surprised at how quickly they get used to this. It would be harder, of course, if you had a family, or a significant other – we've done some sexual orientation changes to accommodate that, or even changed the gender of the partner. But that's not necessary in your case, I take it."

"No." Lupin was surprised at how sorrowful her voice sounded. No one for me.

The Healer looked at her for a long moment. Then she stood up. "Very well, then. I'll leave you. I'll have someone bring some reading material for you – some of it's a little silly, but there's some good information. If you want to talk to me again, feel free. Though I expect you'll find the best help from your female friends."

"Thank you."

"All right, then." The Healer turned to leave, then stopped. "There is one thing, that may make you feel uncomfortable, or it may not. It will make your life easier, and more difficult at the same time."

Lupin tilted her head in question.

"You are attractive," the Healer said. "Not stunningly gorgeous, you won't turn heads when you enter a room, which I think you will consider a relief. But you are reasonably attractive. This is a more important thing in a woman's life than a man's, sad to say, but it is a reality." She nodded her head, and then left the room.

Lupin blinked. Well, that was certainly very strange, she thought.

On her next trip to the bathroom, Lupin stared at her face in the mirror again. Attractive? She couldn't see it, the face looked perfectly ordinary. Just as her previous male face had always seemed before. She shrugged, and decided not to worry about it. It wasn't as if it was going to make any difference.

More potions came that day, and she spent time walking up and down the ward, not brave enough to venture into the corridor outside. She felt cold dread every time she approached the door at the end of the ward, leading to the safe room. In only a few days, she would go in there, and they'd see if everything really worked. What if it doesn't? What if I go mad, I won't be on the Wolfsbane Potion? That thought was too horrible to contemplate. They'd told her the cure had worked, they'd taken blood and done tests, and said she was no longer contagious. It had to work.

She had just finished a very bland, but substantial lunch, when she heard a "Hello, Professor Lupin," at the doorway, and looked up to see Harry standing there.

"Harry," she said, her face breaking into a smile.

Harry froze for a moment, looking at her, and she felt a jolt inside. He's shocked at how I look, she thought.

But Harry hesitated only a moment, and a warm smile shone from his face. "Ron and Hermione are meeting me here, they should be along any minute." He crossed the room and sat down in the chair by the bed.

"Once again, you find me in hospital," Lupin said. "I can't seem to stay out of these places." And she felt another jolt as she realized, he's quite beautiful. I never noticed before. I'm seeing him with female eyes, now.

"How are you feeling?" he asked.

"Better today," Lupin said, "Much better. Yesterday was harder."

"I can imagine. I bet it was a shock for you."

"Oh, yes." She could sense Harry's eyes observing her, taking in every line of her new body. I have to get used to that, she thought, he's better acquainted with my appearance than I am, I expect. I never had to look at myself much.

She said, lightly, "I suspect it's a shock for everyone."

Harry nodded. "A bit. Though for a few minutes there, we thought we were going to lose you altogether. So this is much better. I'm just glad to have you alive and well."

She smiled back at him. She noticed his eyes were now mostly focused on her face, though they did flick down a little lower every so often. She almost flushed as she thought, he's trying to keep his eyes off my chest. The hospital gown suddenly felt very thin. Well, he is a young male, and I'm not wearing a bra, am I? And it's probably even more noticeable because I didn't have anything like that before. Another thing to get used to – it's payback, I suppose, I remember talking to women's chests a few times, when I was younger.

"A lot to get used to," she said out loud, "and a lot to learn about."

"You'll do fine," Harry said. "Now, if it had happened to some other people I could mention, I wouldn't be so sure." He grinned. "Ron and I were joking about it last night, can you see Crabbe? Or Sn--, I mean, some other people? But you," he nodded at Lupin, "you look pretty good."

"I'll take that as a compliment," Lupin said. "I never had to bother with that kind of thing before."

"It's just beginning," Harry said. "Mrs. Weasley and Ginny were talking, and I definitely heard the words 'make-over.'"

"Oh, dear," Lupin said, wincing.

"Ginny said she was going to get you into glitter nail polish."

"That will not happen, I can promise you."

"I dunno," Harry said, "Ginny's pretty persuasive when she sets her mind to something."

Lupin looked carefully at Harry. "You wouldn't have some kind of bet going on, would you?"

Harry started. "Oh, uh--," and then he looked up, "Ron!"

Lupin turned to see Ron and Molly Weasley come through the doorway, followed by Hermione. And surprised herself again as she thought, Ron is quite a good-looking young man. Merlin, am I going to be like this with all the males I know? But I was like that with all the females I knew, before; I'd notice if they were attractive.

"You're looking very well, my dear," Molly said, beaming. "We were so worried." Has she ever called me "my dear," before?, wondered Lupin.

Hermione looked into Lupin's face, and squeezed her hand. Hermione is still an attractive girl, Lupin thought, and Molly is attractive, too, though I feel differently about it now. Completely asexual. But women are allowed to notice other women.

Ron gave a nervous grin. "You gave us a real scare the other night," he said. "Glad to see you looking better." He's trying not to look at my chest, too, Lupin noted. Goodness, this is strange. What a different undercurrent to things. Or is it? I had the schoolgirl crushes on me, when I was teaching at Hogwarts, isn't this the same?

"I've got to get your measurements while I'm here," Molly said. "I'm going to get you some new clothes – the Ministry has coughed up some funds. I can alter your old clothes, too – your cloak will just need to be hemmed up a little." Lupin saw that Molly had a bag with her, full of what appeared to be the fine, new clothes that had been purchased so that Lupin would be presentable (what was it, only in the past month? It seemed like a year ago).

Molly fished a tape measure out of her bag, and tossed it at Lupin. It unwound in mid-air, and began to stretch here and there, hovering in front of Lupin's shoulders, or lying along an arm.

Molly studied Lupin's face. "We'll need to do something with your hair, too. For this weekend, you know, when the Press is here to observe at the full moon. The St. Mungo's people tell me you can go out for short periods in a day or two, we can take you out then, get some things done."

"Thank you, Molly," Lupin said. "I do appreciate this." And I do, she thought, I can't imagine doing any of this on my own, and it needs to be done. If nothing else, I can't leave this place without clothes.

"Delighted to do it, Remus," Molly said, "It'll be great fun for me. Of course, I expect you're terrified."

"A bit," Lupin said. "More overwhelmed."

Molly smiled, and a look flashed between her and Hermione.

"It won't be that bad, Professor," Hermione said. "Just a haircut, and clothes. And a few other things." She looked at Harry and Ron, then at Lupin, as if to say, we'll talk, when the boys are gone.

The tape measure wound itself up and flew back into Molly's hand. She stuffed it in her bag. "I'm off now," she said, and left them.

Ron and Hermione sat on the next bed over. "So," Ron said, "What's it like?" Hermione kicked him.

"It's all right, Hermione," Lupin said, "it's a fair question, and I'm sure you've all been wondering."

They looked at her, and she smiled. "And the answer is, if I just lie here, and don't hear my voice, I don't feel any different." All right, except for suddenly realizing how attractive all the males I know are, but I'm not going to say that, any more than I said how attractive I found the females in my life before.

Ron glanced, despite himself, at the bathroom. Hermione kicked him again, but Lupin said, "Yes, Ron, I've been in there, and it was a bit of a shock the first time. It's still odd, but I'm starting to get used to it."

"Honestly," Hermione said, rolling her eyes. "It's clear, Professor Lupin is still the same. You've seen him - her, I mean - as a wolf after all, Ron."

"And that was pretty strange, too," Ron said. "Although she's right, Professor, this is stranger."

"Sometimes we're more disturbed by things that are only slightly off," Lupin said. "And gender is important, in the way we define people. Perhaps the most important."

"I think you were right to make the choice, Professor," Hermione said. "Isn't it better, to be cured?"

Lupin nodded. "I would make the same choice again--"

"Professor Lupin!" called a voice from the doorway, and they turned to see Charles Willoughby, the young Ministry fellow. He looked straight into Lupin's face, and froze for a moment. Again, thought Lupin. Everyone is going to have that moment of terrible disorientation when they see me. And again, she thought, Willoughby's not bad looking, either.

Willoughby gathered himself, and came over to the bed. "I just wanted to come by, to say how very sorry I am about this turn of events. Everyone at the Ministry is astounded that such a thing could have happened. Arthur Weasley is working on getting some kind of additional compensation for you, and I'm helping him as much as I can. It won't be enough, of course, nothing could . . ." His words dropped off, and he stared at her again.

Lupin almost felt like flushing. I feel so freakish. "I'm very grateful," she said, trying to break the awkward silence, "for everything Arthur, and you, are doing."

"Oh, yes," Willoughby said, "yes." He blinked, and seemed to recover himself. "It's so remarkable, what you have chosen to do, in the name of the cure. So very noble."

"Is there anything I, or any other of Professor Lupin's friends can do?" Harry asked.

"No, I don't think--" Willoughby started to say, and then blinked. "Why, you're Harry Potter!"

The barest frown flashed across Harry's face, to be instantly replaced by a friendly smile. "We're all very concerned about the Professor."

"Oh, my, yes," Willoughby said, "If I tell everyone that Harry Potter is concerned, that would be . . . You are going to come by during the full moon, aren't you?"

"I plan on being there, yes," Harry said.

"That would be marvelous – we'd get a front page picture in the Prophet, for sure," Willoughby said. "I'm sure I don't have to tell you, what this means, the werewolf cure." He stepped closer to the bed. "And how much your own actions mean to the program, Professor Lupin."

"I was wondering if, perhaps," Lupin swallowed, "maybe I'm not the best spokesperson anymore. Given the transformation." No front page picture, please, no front page picture.

"Oh, actually, you will be even better," Willoughby said, earnestly. "A woman is always better press than a man." He looked into Lupin's eyes. "People are always more sympathetic to the plight of an attractive female."

"I, uh, see," Lupin said, suddenly feeling uncomfortable.

"Professor Lupin," came yet another voice from the doorway, one that Lupin did not recognize. Lupin turned to look, grateful for the interruption.

A too-thin young woman stood there, wearing a St. Mungo's robe over another robe that seemed to be made up of a lot of floaty, drapey material in a rainbow of different colors. She had a pretty face, and a mass of long, pale hair that was twisted with colored ribbons. Jewelry of all kinds hung round her neck, her arms, and sparkled in her hair.

The young woman gracefully swept over to the bed, ribbons and gauzy material floating behind her. Lupin noticed she was carrying a thick wad of pamphlets and parchments. Ah, this must be the literature that was being sent over.

"Professor Lupin," the young woman said, taking hold of Lupin's hand, "my name is Hyacinth Treble. May I be the first to welcome you to your new-found womanhood, and to congratulate you on accepting the Goddess and joining in her worshippers."

"Um, I'm not much of a joiner," Lupin said without thinking, trying to pull her hand back.

Hyacinth Treble ignored her, and turned to Harry, Ron and Willoughby. "You must leave the Professor now. There is much she and I have to discuss."

Harry raised his eyebrows, and sat very firmly in the chair. "I've come to visit my friend," he said.

"But these are mysteries that are not meant for you," Hyacinth said. "These are for women only."

Lupin looked at Harry and Ron. Ron looked back at Lupin and rolled his eyes, silently mouthing, "Balmy."

"Very well, then, if you insist." Hyacinth looked at Lupin. "We will begin, Professor." She pulled out a pamphlet with large, bright red letters. "Here we are, 'Menstruation and the Moon: the Horror of Menses for the Female Werewolf.'"

Harry and Ron both stood up immediately, and all three males turned pale. "Uh, perhaps we should be going," Harry said.

"Uh, yeah," Ron said, his voice tight. "We'll be back. Another time."

"Pressing business at the Ministry, you understand," Willoughby said.

They almost ran for the exit.

"Men are such cowards," Hyacinth said, tossing her head in satisfaction. Her hair floated around her head, the various ornaments twinkling.

Lupin looked desperately at Hermione, who came over from the other bed to sit beside Lupin's.

Hyacinth turned back to Lupin, her eyes wide and dreamy. "It must have been so exciting for you, going to sleep as a coarse male, and waking to find those baser parts of yourself gone. You are Woman now, gentle and nurturing, giving succor to the World."

"Was I coarse, before, Hermione?" Lupin said.

"Never," Hermione said.

"You leave behind you the stark, violent nature of Man," Hyacinth continued, as if they hadn't said anything. "You are newly born, fresh, delicate, gentle and yielding. You will discover a world of intuition and wisdom that you never knew before. You are one with the great cycles of Nature, in harmony with--"

"Um, yes," Lupin said, "you do have some literature for me?"

Hyacinth looked a little stunned. She had her speech all rehearsed, thought Lupin, and I made her lose her place. "Oh," said Hyacinth, "Yes, yes, here." She placed the stack she held on the bedside table.

"I think I would prefer to just read the material quietly by myself," Lupin said, smiling as sweetly as possible. "It is something I would prefer to do privately."

"But, surely, you will require some guidance--," Hyacinth blinked.

"Oh, Hermione can help me, I'm sure," Lupin said.

"Oh yes," Hermione said. "What with my being in harmony with the great cycles of Nature and all."

"I do appreciate your bringing them by," Lupin said, still smiling. "I'm sure they will be very helpful."

"Well, yes," Hyacinth said, biting her lip. "If you're sure you'll be all right, then."

"Oh yes. And thank you," Lupin said, in her most gracious, you-are-dismissed teacher voice. And she thought, not without sympathy, she was so eager to be my guide, to help me find my way. She's very young.

"You are most welcome," Hyacinth said, "I'll look in on you another time, just to see how you are doing."

Lupin and Hermione watched her leave, her ribbons and gauze floating behind her, then looked at each other, and burst out laughing.

-

-

-

Lupin was reading one of the pamphlets when Snape came by that evening. As Lupin had been many times before, she was caught by the sight of him – his pale face and hands seeming to float, disembodied, above the mass of his black robes. How striking he looks, she thought. She found herself automatically smiling, and her smile grew even bigger when she saw that he carried yet another large paper bag that smelled wonderful.

"Ah," she said. "You do know me."

"I know how you get when you're recovering from an illness," he said, sitting down by the bed. He pulled out a carton and was about to place it on the bedside table, when he noticed the pamphlets scattered there.

Lupin saw, with horror, that the top pamphlet said, in large letters, "Your New Sexuality – Learning to Light Your Fire All Over Again."

Snape looked at it, and turned even paler than normal.

Lupin quickly gathered the pamphlets up, carefully turning the sexuality one face down. "I have to learn these things somehow." She looked at him. "And don't you dare start reading the titles out loud."

"They are that offensive?"

"Well, no, they're actually quite funny. Hermione and I had a good laugh over them this afternoon. But you might not think so."

He stared at her for a moment, one eyebrow cocked. Then he nodded, and began to pull out more cartons from the bag. He filled two disposable plates with food and passed one to her. She began to eat, and, as with the previous night, she was finished with hers long before he'd finished his. But he simply took her plate and heaped on more food.

"I think I'm required to say something about being a complete pig," Lupin said, between bites, "and then agonize about all this going to my hips, or something like that. I'm not going to, you understand, I don't feel the need to at all."

"Very sensible," said Snape, finishing a mouthful.

"I've been thinking, in a way, I'm luckier, I've become female without having to go through adolescence about it. I think adolescence is very hard on girls." She took another bite and chewed it thoughtfully. "Of course, it's hard on boys, too. And I had to go through that."

Snape went very quiet. Merlin, think what HIS adolescence was like.

"And I've never had any kind of agony about feeling I was in the wrong body, the way a transsexual does." She thought again. "Well, at least, not that I was the wrong gender. I certainly felt my body did not reflect who I was – never mind the werewolf aspect, but simply my appearance, my shape, lots of times I thought it wasn't what I wanted to be."

And again, Snape was very quiet, he'd stopped eating. I'm certain he still feels as if he's in the wrong body, thought Lupin.

"I think every teen-ager feels that way, at some point or another," she went on. "The world defines us by how we look, too often, rather than who we really are, inside. It's amazing, so many people will assign an entire personality to someone just because of the shape of their body. And how many people evolve to fit those imposed, outside expectations? How many people would have turned out completely differently, if they'd had different bodies?" Peter, if he hadn't been in that little lump of a body of his, would that have helped him?

And Severus, what would you have been like? Though I expect your body was the least of your problems.

"Why do we allow these roles to be imposed, when they have nothing to do with reality? Someone can think, this is what a woman is, or a man is, when the true evidence that their own eyes and experience gives them is completely different?"

"Anyway," she went on, "I've decided I'm luckier, in many ways, than a lot of people. At least about this. It could be much worse. And I had it on good authority this morning, I should come through this much easier than many other people might. I'm in the overlap group."

"The what?" Snape asked, forkful halfway up to his mouth.

"Sorry, I'm rambling. It's been a very strange day."

Snape's eyes flicked to the pile of pamphlets. "I can imagine."

She told him about the counselor that came by that morning. "Overlap means I have behaviors that are acceptable to both men and women," she said.

Snape looked at her, as if considering the thought, and then nodded.

And where on the bell curve do you fall, my friend?, she thought. What if this had happened to you? I can picture a woman with all your characteristics – tall, thin, pale, brooding, angry, intense. Even with a large hooked nose. Very Gothic. Bellatrix's plain, awkward sister.

And yet, she thought, as she looked at him, you are so very male to me right now.

"What else did the counselor say?" asked Snape. He had put his empty plate down, and was watching her now.

"Just some of the basics about what I would find to be different," she said. "Some of the obvious ones, of course – the physical things that I won't go into in front of you because you don't want to know – most of that is in the pamphlets there."

Did Snape shrink away from the bedside table?

"My sexuality is reversed," Lupin said, carefully watching Snape's face out of the corner of her eye, "I'm a heterosexual female now, not a heterosexual male."

Snape's face was completely blank, not a muscle flinched.

"And she said I would probably find some slight differences in my relationships," Lupin said. Am I testing him, trying to see how he'll react? "Situations will become uncomfortable with males, situations that used to be uncomfortable with females won't be so."

Again, no reaction in Snape's face. He's making himself not react, she thought. Which means he is, inside.

Lupin looked straight into his unreadable black eyes. "I am frightened by this. I value your friendship more than anything, and the idea that anything might compromise it, I don't think I could bear it."

He stared back at her. No warmth there in those black eyes, but no flinching away, either. "I am not leaving," he said, quietly.

"That means a great deal to me." Damn, it's there, I feel it, I'm aware of him, as a male, in a way that I never was before. He is attractive to me, even with his ridiculous nose, and stringy hair.

She took a deep breath. "So, friends forever, eh?" She turned back to her plate.

"'Til death," he said, lightly (for Snape).

"Next week is 'Ariadne' at Covent Garden, I expect us to be still on for that. Assuming they let me out of here."

"You requested I supply the butterbeer."

"Yes. Lots."

She ate. They talked. When she was tired, she lay flat, and, as with the past few nights, he watched until she fell asleep.

When she woke the next morning, he was gone, of course. The food cartons had been cleared away, and everything on the bedside table had been straightened up. She noticed the pamphlets had been very neatly stacked. And the pamphlet on sexuality was no longer on the top.

TBC


	7. Chapter 7

Title: Home's the Farthest Way

Chapter: 7

Author: ReeraTheRed

Date: February 20, 2005

Rating: PG13

Our Story So Far: Post-Voldemort, sequel to my previous fic, The Wounded. RLSS, romance but NOT SLASH. The Ministry has come up with a werewolf cure (of sorts) and Lupin agrees to be the first public test case, despite the fact that Delores Umbridge is in charge. But the cure potions are tampered with, and it goes wrong – Lupin is cured, but has been transformed into a woman. Given the choice between transforming back into a man but losing the cure, or remaining cured but also remaining a woman, Lupin chooses to stay female.

Lupin is now recovering at St. Mungo's in the werewolf ward.

Acknowledgements: Thanks to beta readers Patti, Michelle and Liz. (By the way, this story wouldn't exist if it weren't for Michelle; I thought it would be too weird even for fanfic, and Michelle is the one who pushed me to do it, so if you like it, thank her).

Author's Note: This chapter is a bit slow, I'm laying some groundwork, and there's one really unnecessary sequence in it, only I couldn't resist seeing Snape's reaction to Hyacinth.

Heavy references to The Wounded in here, so things may not make sense if you haven't read it (is this weird or what, making references to my own previous fanwork, spinning off into my own little universe here?) Frankly, there are going to be references to all my previous fan stories in this thing before it's over, with the possible exception of Midsummer's Eve.

My apologies to those who have e-mailed me (hi, duj), school has been overwhelming.

-

-

-

Chapter 7

Lupin squirmed and wriggled her shoulders. "This isn't nearly as uncomfortable as I expected," she said. "It's more that I'm not used to it."

"It's a good fit," Molly said, looking at Lupin critically. "Not too tight, not too loose, and it's well made."

"Also," Hermione said, "you aren't going to need anything that requires, um, major structural engineering."

Lupin looked down at her chest. "Well, no, I guess not."

"Now try these on." Hermione pulled some things out of a Marks and Spencers bag. Jeans and a sweater. _That shouldn't be too bad_, Lupin thought, _I've worn things like that before_.

She stepped into the jeans, and pulled them up over her hips, then pulled the sweater over her head.

"I've got trainers and socks here, too," Hermione said, handing them over.

Molly pulled a small mirror out of her bag, then held it against the wall. It grew until it stretched from floor to ceiling. "Have a look," she said.

Lupin stared at herself. "Goodness," she said.

Hermione smiled. "They're a better fit than the clothes you wore before."

"I guess so," Lupin said. The clothes weren't tight, but they definitely weren't the baggy clothes she'd often worn as a man. They did not disguise her shape in any way. "They're very, um, form-fitting."

"You can't hide the fact that you're a woman in them," Hermione said.

"That's Muggle clothes for you," Molly said, a little disapprovingly. "I've got some proper witch things for you here. Get that lot off, and we'll try these others on."

Molly began to hand things to Lupin, giving her instructions about each piece. Muggle clothing was simpler, no question. Witches were old fashioned in their clothing, and Lupin put on a lot of rather complicated undergarments. Then Molly began to hand her the equally involved robes that went on top, while showing Lupin how to do up lacing here, and fasten other things there, all the while talking about this being in fashion, and that color suiting Lupin's skin tones. _I never had to worry about being decorative before, _she thought.

Finally, after tugging at Lupin's shoulders and smoothing out the gown, Molly stepped back and nodded approvingly. Lupin turned to look at herself again in the mirror. A perfectly normal witch looked back at her. _It's like the jeans, _she thought_, I'd hoped everything would be the same, male or female, and it isn't. I thought robes would be robes, I knew the underwear would be different, but I thought at least the outer garments would be the same. But it's so much more complicated._

"Now for the shoes." Molly held up an unmistakably female boot. "I didn't get you a high heel, Remus, I thought that would be a bit much for you. Just a low heel, this shouldn't be uncomfortable."

The image of a shoe with a four-inch stiletto heel flashed across Lupin's mind, and she managed not to grimace. _I'm definitely not ready for that_, she thought. _I'll never be ready for that_.

She pulled on the boot Molly handed her, and did up the laces, then stood up. "It feels all right," she said. "They're much better than any shoes I've had for a long time." She smiled at Molly and Hermione. "It's all much better than anything I've had for a long time. Thank you, both of you."

Molly and Hermione both smiled back at her. "We know it's a lot for you to get used to," Hermione said.

"Every day, I get another shock," Lupin said.

"Just wait," Molly grinned back, "When you feel better, we're going to take you out on a proper shopping expedition."

Lupin hunched her shoulders. "Harry said the word 'make-over' had been mentioned."

"It'll be fun," Molly said. "You'll see. Now take that lot off, and we'll try the next one on to see if it fits."

-

-

-

Lupin felt completely exhausted by the time Molly and Hermione left. She lay back on the hospital bed, eyes closed, wearing one of her old robes re-fitted for her new body, with an old cloak wrapped around her shoulders. She'd change into one of the nightgowns Molly had brought for her later on today – the St. Mungo's staff insisted on it – but it was nice to wear real clothes again, even if they did feel strange.

She was just thinking that they'd be bringing lunch soon, and that she was hungry, when there was a knock at the wardroom door – they'd closed it while she was dressing, but it was open now – and she saw a welcome tall, black shape standing there.

"Good morning, Severus," she said, sitting up.

Snape paused, looking at her.

"Molly and Hermione came by this morning," she said. "I have clothes now. No more hospital gowns, thank goodness."

Snape was silent for a moment or two longer, then he nodded. "So I see." He came over by the bed, and Lupin saw he was carrying yet another large paper bag.

"Lunch, too, then?" Lupin said. "Thanks."

Snape nodded as he sat down. "Professor Begay asked me to stop by this afternoon, so I thought I'd come early." He pulled out two portions of fish and chips, and passed one over to her.

"So what are you and Professor Begay going to talk about?" Lupin asked between bites.

"He didn't say. I expect he wants to discuss the potions for the werewolf cure."

"He probably doesn't have many people he can talk with about it," Lupin said. "You're one of the only ones in the world with the expertise."

Snape made a non-committal noise as he took a bite of fish – _he even makes eating fish and chips look elegant_, thought Lupin – and then Snape said, "How did it go with Molly and Miss Granger this morning?"

"It was interesting," Lupin said. "Women's clothing is very complicated. You probably don't want to know."

"Can you leave the hospital yet?"

"I'm going out tomorrow with Molly and Hermione and Ginny," Lupin said, and then smiled wryly, "They're taking me to a spa, or something like that. To get ready for the Press conference tomorrow night, when I go through the first full moon. Various parts of me may be exposed, when I change, so all the bits have to be made presentable."

Snape stiffened. "You're not going to be, in public-" He scowled, "You'll be dressed, of course."

"We were discussing the logistics of the situation," said Lupin. "We thought the sight of me bursting out of my clothes would be a little, well, unseemly. When we're trying to convince the public that I'm going to be safe and sane, after all. So what I'm going to do is have a cloak wrapped around me, and, uh, nothing on underneath. I can change under the cloak, and hopefully it will just fall back when I'm finished."

Snape's face was still scowling. "It is not respectable."

"It's practical," shrugged Lupin. "If you can think of something better . . ."

Snape's scowl grew deeper. He took another bite of fish. "So they're letting you leave the hospital now? If they're letting you go out tomorrow?"

"Not really," said Lupin. "Tomorrow is a supervised visit. They don't want me tiring myself out, but they also don't want anyone to be able to say I got hold of some potion that invalidates the show tomorrow night. It's not that they think I will, of course, but I have to avoid even the appearance of impropriety." She shrugged. "Which means I'm pretty much stuck here day and night for all three nights of the full moon, but I can go home on Monday morning."

"Will you need any assistance? On Monday?"

"Well, I expect I'll be completely exhausted and barely able to Apparate, so yes, I'd appreciate it if you could help me get home." She sighed. "I expect the house is going to feel strange, too. I'll be shorter, I won't fill my space the same way, so having a friend around will be a comfort." _But I'll be home_, she thought, _I so want to go home_.

"The change may not exhaust you the way it used to," Snape said. "Not once you're completely well. Professor Begay says it really will be more as if you are an Animagus. Just one who is forced to change at the full moon. An Animagus whose form is a werewolf, of course."

"And whose clothes don't change," Lupin said, wryly. "Not that I'm complaining." She leaned her head back into the pillows and said, thoughtfully, "I wonder if my greatest fear will still be the full moon, after this?"

"Professor Lupin," trilled a voice from the door. Lupin stiffened, recognizing the sound. She turned, and, sure enough, Hyacinth Treble was wafting over to the bed. Today she was covered in shades of blue. Her robes were made of blue cloth of all different textures, while blue gems winked at her throat and wrists and in her hair, though the whole effect was slightly marred by the lime-green St. Mungo's robe over it all.

"And how are we feeling today?" Hyacinth warbled.

"Oh, we're just fine," Lupin said, blinking. Snape's eyes met hers, and one of his eyebrows rose.

"I had some more things to bring you that I thought might interest you," Hyacinth said. She laid yet another stack of pamphlets and parchments onto the bedside table. Lupin caught sight of one title peeking out, "Sisters Unite against the Patriarchal Hierarchy." She saw Snape's eyebrow climb yet even higher on his forehead.

"I thought we could discuss your new name," Hyacinth said.

"I, uh, was planning on keeping my old one," Lupin said.

Hyacinth gave a flutter of horror. "But, you must want a new name! To symbolize the birth of the new, sacred feminine within you!"

"Um, no, thank you," Lupin said, "I don't feel particularly sacred today." She saw that Snape's other eyebrow had joined the first, and his entire body had stiffened.

Hyacinth wilted. "Oh," she said, "Well, then, let me see . . ." She began flipping through her other pamphlets, and only just then seemed to notice Snape out of the corner of her eye, and her eyes grew nearly as cold as his.

"Why don't we look over this one?" Hyacinth said, her voice now flinty, and she pulled out a pamphlet that read, in screaming red letters, 'What To Expect From Your First Gynecological Exam.' She turned to Snape. "I don't think it's appropriate that you remain, sir."

Snape looked daggers at her, but he stood up immediately. "I will be leaving, then."

Lupin looked at him desperately, but nodded. _I wish I could go with you._ He quickly left the room. Lupin watched him go, trying to keep the unhappiness off her face. _I've been abandoned_.

Hyacinth smiled, smugly. Then she turned to Lupin with an overly sweet expression on her face. "They've got you scheduled for an exam tomorrow morning," she said, "It's purely routine, just something you need to get used to."

"I'll just read the pamphlet, then," Lupin said, quickly taking it out of Hyacinth's hand. "I'll call you if I have any questions."

Hyacinth started. "Oh," she said, "Oh, well, then." She turned back to her stack. "I had some other things to talk to you about – yes, here." She had one now that read 'A Woman's Perfect Inner Strength.'

"I know you probably must think you've become weak and small," Hyacinth said.

"Actually, no," Lupin said, "I don't feel weak and small at all."

"But you must want to get in touch with your new self, and understand the Woman's Experience-" Lupin could hear the capital letters in Hyacinth's voice "—-and I know how it all must feel so wondrous and strange to you . . ." Hyacinth's voice trailed off, and she was staring at the door. At the same time, Lupin heard a familiar sound – toenails clicking against a hard floor.

She turned, to see an enormous black dog walking into the ward, skeletally thin, silky hair not hiding the wiry muscles. It walked across the floor, then leapt easily onto the foot of Lupin's bed, where it lay down, front paws dangling over the side. It stared coolly at Hyacinth, who took a step back in alarm.

"Goodness," Hyacinth said, "How did that get in here?"

"Oh, he goes wherever he wants to," Lupin said, looking at the dog lying at her feet.

"Well, he can't stay here," Hyacinth said. She looked at the dog. "Go home!" she said, pointing at the door. Her finger was shaking, Lupin noted.

The dog looked at her, even more frostily than before, and Hyacinth visibly shuddered.

"He's a Spectral Hound," Lupin said, pleasantly. "They're traditional guard dogs for old Dark Wizard families. Very dangerous."

Hyacinth looked at Lupin. "Tell it to go," she said. Her lower lip was quivering.

Lupin looked at the dog. "He doesn't take orders from me." She turned back to Hyacinth and smiled again. "Well, thank you anyway, Miss Treble, I'll look over everything you brought me, I'm sure it will be a great help." She smiled. The dog continued to stare at Hyacinth.

Hyacinth opened her mouth, then shut it again. "Well, yes, I guess I'll leave you, then."

"Thank you," Lupin smiled, as she watched Hyacinth leave, then she looked down at the dog. "And thank you, too," she said, more heartily.

The dog nodded at her graciously, then laid his head down. Lupin passed over the remainder of Snape's fish and chips, and the dog ate from the plate, while Lupin finished hers.

She looked over at the new pile of pamphlets, and frowned. Not now. She picked up a book instead and tried to read, but found the words wouldn't stay in her head. She kept trying, but she couldn't concentrate, she kept reading the same words over and over. Finally, she gave in, put the book down, and let herself doze.

She felt something warm against her leg. The dog's eyes were closed, and it had shifted, its head and shoulders now pressed against her calf. Too far down to rub his head – _is it all right to rub his head now? Or would that be improper? I did it all the time, as a man, it was completely innocent then. Surely it still be innocent now . . ._

She fell asleep soon afterwards. When she woke, some time later, the dog was gone. _Well, he did have an appointment_.

-

-

-

It was late afternoon when she heard yet another familiar voice from the doorway call her name. This time it was Charles Willoughby from the Ministry, carrying a little vase of flowers.

Lupin sat up, and smiled at him. "Hello, Mr. Willoughby."

Willoughby crossed the room and set the vase of flowers down on the bedside table, and sat down. "I wanted to bring you these," he said.

Lupin smiled. "Thank you. That's very thoughtful of you. I don't think I've ever received flowers before."

"Then I'm happy to be the first," he beamed. "I also wanted to let you know that you should be hearing some good news soon. I can't tell you what it is, it's not official yet, but the right people have given their approval, and it's just a matter of time."

Lupin blinked. "Thank you." She smiled. "And my thanks to you, personally, Mr. Willoughby, I know you helped to bring it about."

He flushed. "Oh, I was but one of many, though I hope my voice helped a little."

"I'm sure it did," Lupin said, "and I'm grateful."

Willoughby flushed again. Then he frowned. "It's just so unfair, the way werewolves have been treated." He shook his head. "I know, people were afraid, when V-Voldemort-" he stammered over the name "—was around, people were suspicious of anything that smacked of Dark Magic. But that's over. There's no need for the restriction, there never was. I wish people could see that."

Lupin smiled sadly at him.

He looked at her. "Anyone looking at you could see that the werewolf is a noble creature."

__

Actually, Lupin thought, _quite a few of the werewolves are complete bastards_, but she decided not to say that.

"Mostly," she said, carefully, "they're just people. Ordinary people. Mostly Muggles. I always thought that was another reason the wizard community is suspicious of werewolves, just part of the whole Muggle dislike."

Willoughby blinked at her, as if he didn't understand. _In his way_, Lupin thought, _he's as bad as Hyacinth Treble, he's built werewolves up into a beautiful myth, a wronged people he can work up a feeling of righteousness over. And werewolves are wronged, no question, but werewolves aren't saints_.

But she decided not to say that, either.

Willoughby had to get back to the Ministry soon afterwards. She spent the rest of the afternoon alternating between trying to read her book and dozing.

She had changed into a nightshirt, and was under the covers when Snape came back that evening, carrying yet another large paper bag. Rich meat smells. _Pies from the Leaky Cauldron_, Lupin guessed. Sure enough, Snape pulled out several, wrapped in paper.

"So what did Professor Begay want to talk about?" Lupin asked, sitting up and taking the plate Snape handed to her.

"He's offered me a job," Snape said, as he took a bite.

Lupin blinked. "That's wonderful! What's it about?"

"Research, more work on the werewolf cure," Snape said. "He's got approval from his people back in America for funding. There aren't a lot of people who know the Wolfsbane Potion, after all."

"It certainly makes sense for him to want to hire you," Lupin said. "Are you interested?"

Snape looked thoughtful for a long moment, then gave a nod. "I think so. It's a start. I have to begin earning a living sooner or later, I can't live on my savings forever."

"It would be a shame for your talents to go to waste, too," Lupin said.

"The St. Mungo's people also want to hire me, contract, for specialized potions," Snape said. "I'd work in my own laboratory, and owl things in."

__

Because they'd never hire you on directly, thought Lupin, _not an ex-Death Eater_. She said, out loud, "But you'd probably prefer to work in your own place, wouldn't you?"

Snape was quiet, and then gave a grudging nod.

"Are you ready to make this kind of commitment?" Lupin asked.

Snape pursed his lips, and then gave a quiet sigh. "I cannot continue as I am now. I must work. This seems the sensible path." He looked at Lupin. "It will be a very comfortable living. Better pay than Hogwarts, even counting room and board. Not wealth unbounded, but more than enough to meet my needs." There was something in the way he looked at her when he said it, as if he were trying to say something more, but Lupin couldn't think what it was.

Lupin smiled at him, "That kind of money certainly doesn't hurt," she said, but she felt her smile fade a little. _I'd kill for something like that_, she thought, _I'll be happy if I can get any work that pays enough for me to just get by on, never mind exciting or interesting._

"I haven't accepted, yet," Snape said. "I asked for a week to consider."

"Do you think you could be happy with this?" said Lupin. "I know, you've said that potions weren't exactly your favorite thing, even if you are so talented at them."

Snape shrugged. "It's work. I get paid. There are worse things." Lupin tried to read his eyes, but they were blank. _It's not glamorous_, she thought, _it's not being an Auror, but do you want to be that, anymore?_

Snape looked thoughtful. "My heritage, my nature, my instincts, they all tell me I should be terrorizing a kingdom." He gave Lupin a bemused look. "Ruling my people with an iron fist?" He shrugged. "I have made do by terrorizing a classroom."

__

You look the part, Lupin thought, _with your great nose, and tall, thin frame. Even the way you move, elegant, and too often domineering. The classic villain, the tyrant king. No wonder everyone laughed at you when we were children._

Snape stared into space for a long moment. Then he sighed. "I think, to simply work, quietly, where I will not inflict myself on anyone. To earn my own living, honestly. I think I could be content with that." He gave the closest he ever came to a true smile. "Perhaps I am accepting my limitations. At long last."

Lupin looked at him. His face was as open as she'd ever seen it. _Not that that's saying much_, she thought. But he seemed calmer, the fierce tension that constantly filled his every movement had receded, to leave—-what? He was hardly relaxed, the best she could say was that he wasn't stiff.

__

He's on anti-depressants, she thought, _he's been in therapy now for nearly a year, and it's done him good. He'll probably never be whole, not after what he's lived through. He'll never be deliriously happy. But perhaps he can hope for quiet contentment?_

"I think that sounds very nice," Lupin said. "If nothing else, you'll be doing a lot of good for other people."

His eyes met hers. His face might be calm, but she still couldn't read it, his cool black eyes were as unfathomable as ever, though, for a moment, she thought, again, that he was saying something more.

Then he looked away, down at his plate, and whatever it was, it was gone.

They ate. Snape passed more food to her as she finished what she'd eaten. He finished long before she did, and he glanced over at the new pamphlets.

"Anything in there worth reading?" he asked.

"Not much in this batch, I'm afraid," she said. "I'm having some trouble reading today, anyway. It's hard to focus."

"Would you like me to read to you?"

She was a little surprised to hear him make the offer. "Yes," she said, after a moment's thought. "Yes, I would. If you wouldn't mind."

He started to reach for the pile, and she said, "Actually, I'd rather you read this." She picked up the book she'd been trying to read that day and held it out to him, looking a little sheepish. "It's an old favorite. It's a Muggle book, you may not have read it before."

Snape took it from her and read the title. "'The Adventures of Sherlock Holmes.' No, I haven't read it."

"I think you'll like it. Old mystery stories, written over a hundred years ago."

He looked at her. Then he opened the book and began to read. Lupin curled up in the bedclothes, and her face grew dreamy as she heard the familiar words she'd read possibly a hundred times before, but never grew tired of. _And Severus has the most beautiful voice_, she thought.

After a while, her eyes began to droop, and close, though she still listened as Severus read. Eventually, though, she began to drift off. The last thing she remembered clearly was the sound of Severus's voice.

She thought, in her semi-conscious haze, that she was aware of Severus growing quiet, and that she could hear the rustle of robes as he stood. And then felt something heavy land on the foot of the bed, and something warm curl up against her feet. But when she woke the next morning, there was no dog there, and nothing to indicate that it had been there at all, and she wondered if she had dreamed it.

TBC


	8. Chapter 8

Title: Home's the Farthest Way

Chapter: 8

Author: ReeraTheRed

Date: April 2, 2005

Rating: PG13

Our Story So Far: Post-Voldemort, sequel to my previous fic, The Wounded. RLSS, romance but NOT SLASH.

The Ministry has come up with a werewolf cure (of sorts) and Lupin agrees to be the first public test case, despite the fact that Delores Umbridge is in charge. But the cure potions are tampered with, and it goes wrong – Lupin is cured, but has been transformed into a woman. Given the choice between transforming back into a man but losing the cure, or remaining cured but also remaining a woman, Lupin chooses to stay female.

Lupin is recovering at St. Mungo's in the werewolf ward, learning about the way her life will change, and the ways that it won't. She has seen various counselors, and most of her friends have seen her, and accept her in her new form. Today, she faces the first night of full moon since she's had the cure.

Acknowledgements: Thanks to beta readers Patti, Michelle and Liz. And thanks, as always, for the reviews, they keep me going.

Author's Note: I do three nights of the full moon, not just one. I'm not sure why – I think I got that feeling from the books, plus all those old werewolf movies, where poor Lon Chaney never has just one night to go through.

On another note, I hope people understand that, in the previous chapters, I'm not making fun of New Age things or feminism, or supporting good causes, just the abuse of these things. Nobody's complained, but I just wanted to be sure.

My apologies for being so late with this update. School, as always, is very time-consuming. Plus, this was a troublesome chapter.

x-x-x

Chapter 8

Lupin sighed happily. The young woman who was currently massaging her feet grinned and said, "Feels good, doesn't it?"

Lupin gave another blissful sigh. She turned and looked at Molly, who was sitting in the chair next to hers, where another young woman was rubbing various lotions into her fingers. "You've all been keeping this to yourselves."

Molly smiled. "No, men just don't allow themselves to come to places like this."

Lupin leaned back in the chair and sighed again. "I suppose so. How very silly of us."

"Now you're sure you won't try any nail polish?" said Ginny, who sat in the chair beyond Molly's.

Lupin shook her head. "Not if I'm going to change tonight, in public. Anything like nail polish or make-up will stay on me, even after the change. Trust me, lipstick on a werewolf is not a pretty sight." She stifled a shudder at the thought of wearing make-up. _Not yet_.

"I guess that's why you wouldn't let them color your hair, then," said Hermione, on Lupin's other side.

"Yes," said Lupin. "I'm a grey wolf, and the brown around my head would look silly. Not to mention what it would like if it were styled."

"It looks fine, though," Molly said, "just with being longer, and with a nice cut."

Lupin ran a hand through her now much longer hair. That felt strange, she'd never had hair longer than a few inches in her life before, and here it was, hanging below her shoulders. It felt pleasant, slipping through her fingers, softer than her hair had ever been as a man, but it was still strange.

The hair person had talked on about various products; apparently, washing one's hair with a bar of soap wasn't allowed. She looked ruefully at a bag near her feet, which was steadily filling with bottles and potions. And that didn't even count the sack of supplies that Molly and Hermione had discretely handed her from the Apothecary's earlier that day, full of things Lupin had never even known the existence of before that were now apparently going to be necessary. Granted, there was a corresponding (though much smaller) set of things back at home that would have to be discarded because they were no longer appropriate.

And then there had been the gynecological exam that morning. That had been quite an experience. And there was another set of pamphlets to read, of course. And a packet of pills handed to her at the end, with the instructions to take one a day, except during THAT time. _As if birth control were going to be necessary_, Lupin thought, a little wistfully.

So much care and maintenance. And it wasn't all vanity, either. Just the basic health worries were so involved. _Are women that much more complicated than men? Or do men just ignore their own health?_

But this, now, the massage, this was wonderful. The manicurist was now working her way up Lupin's foot to her ankle, and then to her calf. Lupin lay back, closing her eyes in sheer bliss.

"Be glad you're in a witch's spa," Hermione said. "They have a lot of magical ways of dealing with problems that are a lot nicer than the Muggle alternative."

"Surely Muggles can give massages just as well," Lupin said.

"Well, yes," Hermione said, "But other things. A Muggle spa would have given you a wax, for instance. Here's it's just a wave of a wand."

Lupin decided not to ask what a wax was. It joined a number of things on her mental slate reading "I don't understand, and don't want to understand just now." There was so much that was strange.

The décor around her, for example, it was strange. It wasn't unattractive, quite the contrary, but it said, in no uncertain terms, that this was a female place. No men here, other than those employed here. There were brighter colors, the textures were soft, everything was graceful and light and beautiful. Not wrong. Just different.

And then there was the conversation. A lot of it was the same as it would have been when she was still a man. But some of it wasn't, and it wasn't all just because everything had to be explained to Lupin. _These things I am going through now, these are part of their everyday existence, the things they have to understand, even if they choose to forgo them. And they would not have brought the subjects up with men around. I'm in the club, now_, Lupin thought. _I'd have left the room, before. Or they'd have not talked the same way with me_. The counselor was right, barriers were down with her female friends. Just as barriers were going up with her male friends, too, she thought, remembering Harry and Ron, trying not to look at her chest. Sexuality brought tension, and restrictions.

_Were barriers going up with Severus, too? _ The thought made her feel suddenly sad. But she could not bring a lot of this up with him, not with his absolutely Victorian sense of propriety. But, then, there were things she couldn't bring up with him, before. A whole lot of things, for that matter, and they hadn't changed.

The manicurist was working on her hands and arms now. Lupin sighed happily again. She closed her eyes, and listened as Hermione and Ginny chattered and laughed. _I can have this now, with them, because I am safe. I never could have, before_.

_I think I like being in the club_.

It was nearly evening when they all returned Lupin to the hospital. The other three, Molly, Hermione and Ginny, left her at the door, assuring her they'd be back that evening to watch her as she changed at the full moon. But that wouldn't be until much later; it was summer now, and sunset wouldn't be for quite a while.

Lupin entered the St. Mungo's lobby, and turned toward the elevators. Her eye was instantly drawn to a tall, black figure ahead of her.

"Severus," she called, moving to catch up with him.

Snape turned, and waited until she was beside him. She glanced down at the bag he held, and looked up at him hopefully.

"From the Leaky Cauldron again," he said.

"Thanks," Lupin said.

Snape said nothing as they crossed the lobby and entered one of the elevators. As the doors closed, he turned. "You look very nice," he said, stiffly.

Lupin smiled. "I think just about every square inch of me has been polished. It felt very nice, I have to confess."

The elevator doors opened, and they walked together to the werewolf ward. Lupin stretched out onto the bed and took the paper cup of stew Snape handed to her.

"So what happened, today?" Snape asked.

Lupin chuckled. "Beyond being massaged, I suspect you don't really want to know. The hair is obvious, they had some trick to make it grow out – a lot of wand waving, and some potions were involved in that. And they have a menu of things I've never heard of. I drew the line at a lot of things." She settled back into the pillows of the bed. "But I recommend a manicure and a pedicure. You get massaged with that."

Snape grew stiff and gave her a stern look. She smiled impishly at him before turning back to her stew.

They ate, and talked, until it was nearly time for the gathering, and Lupin had to change clothes. _One of those barriers again, _she thought. _If I were still a man, he could stay with me_.

"I'll see you, in a little while," she said, "when I'm in there." She nodded at the safe room door.

"Yes," he said, as he left the ward. He closed the door quietly behind him.

Lupin sat on the bed. The room suddenly felt cold and empty, and she was very aware of the safe room door at the other end of the room. There would be a crowd of people – they'd showed her, that morning, the ceiling had been opened to form an observation deck, with a magic barrier to protect the on-lookers. _I don't want to do this, _she thought_, I want to go home_. She took a deep breath, and repeated to herself, _just get through these three nights, and I'm free. Just these next three nights_.

She made herself get up. Even though the room was empty, she still went into the bathroom, where she carefully took off the clothes she was wearing, folding them neatly. She still struggled with the bra fastenings, though it was easier to unfasten than fasten – she'd had a tussle with it that morning.

She brushed her new, strange, long hair, looking at her reflection in the mirror – the grey that had made patches in her short, man's hair now ran in long streaks throughout the brown.

Then she wrapped herself carefully in a cloak that covered her from head to toe – one of her new things, in a soft blue that Molly insisted on, saying it went well with her complexion, though Lupin couldn't tell one way or another.

Then, when everything she could think of had been taken care of, and she realized she couldn't put it off any longer, she took a deep breath, and left the safety of the bathroom. Holding her cloak tightly around her, she walked on bare feet, first to the ward door, to open it, then back to her bed, where she sat down and waited for the time she would be called to walk through the safe room door.

x-x-x

Snape closed the ward room door softly behind him. He stood very still for a long moment, staring at the floor. Then he looked down the corridor, in the direction he would need to go to reach the public observation deck. There would be a crowd there already, all Lupin's friends, the St. Mungo's people, the Press, and anyone else who had been invited.

He took a deep breath, and let it out, slowly. And then turned in the opposite direction, and began to walk, down the corridor, toward the elevators that led to the St. Mungo's lobby. He moved quickly, with his usual fierce, stalking gait, robes billowing behind him, and his eyes turned down, to avoid meeting the eyes of anyone who might be in the hall.

Which is why he nearly bumped into Harry as he rounded a corner.

They each stepped back before they actually collided. Snape drew himself up, face tight and eyes fierce, but he said nothing.

Harry stood quietly, looking back into Snape's eyes. Snape couldn't tower over him anymore, Harry was nearly as tall now, and their eyes were close to the same level.

Then Harry smiled. He couldn't help thinking of the way Shadow, the dog, would stand warily, as if expecting to be kicked. _I've got you figured out now_, Harry thought, _all those years, you were sure I'd attack you. As if we were both just children, as if it were you, and my father, again_.

"Shouldn't you be going this way, Professor?" Harry said, nodding in the opposite direction of the way Snape had been walking. "Isn't the way to the observation deck down there?"

Snape did not move. He stood, stiff and wary, eyes fixed on Harry. Instinctively defiant. Then it was as if something went out of him, and he looked away. "I will not be attending, Mr. Potter."

"What? But you've got to," Harry said. "Professor Lupin will be very disappointed if you're not there."

"Professor Lupin," Snape said, still looking away, "has to prove that werewolves who have been cured are not a danger to society. She must look as respectable as possible. Having an ex-Death Eater among her entourage will hardly project that image, don't you think?" He turned and stared coldly at Harry.

"You are a member of the Order of the Phoenix, sir. That's an honor for her."

"There are plenty of other members who will be there," Snape said. His lip curled. "The great Harry Potter will be attending, after all."

Harry's face hardened for a moment, but only for a moment. "She'd still rather have you there, sir," he said.

Snape stared back at Harry. Then he looked away again, and shook his head. "No, Mr. Potter."

Harry looked back at him.

"If you will excuse me, Mr. Potter," Snape said, and he began to walk away, down the corridor.

Harry stood still, watching Snape walk away, a tall, thin, black shape, though his usual fierce pride seemed a little diminished now. _He's right, _Harry thought_, he's a pariah, no matter what he's done to make up for it_. And he felt a wave of pity wash over him.

And then he smiled.

"Professor Snape," Harry called.

Snape stopped, and turned back, staring at Harry.

"What if Shadow attended?" Harry said.

Snape started. He stared even more deeply into Harry's face.

"Shadow could go in with her, be down there with her," Harry said. "Otherwise, she'll be going into that room all alone, in front of all those people."

Snape stood very still. His eyes stared deeply into Harry's, as if looking for something. Harry looked back, still smiling gently. He tried to read Snape's face, but it was impossible to make out anything there.

After a long moment, Harry shrugged and said, "Well, I'll just head on down the hall, then."

Snape stared a moment longer, then nodded. He did not move.

Harry turned, and began to walk. Snape stood, and watched him; Harry could feel Snape's eyes on his back, as he took each step, until he turned round the corner.

Harry slowed down, listening. And smiled as he heard the sound of toenails clicking on a hard floor.

x-x-x

Lupin heard the familiar noise and turned. Her face lit up, and her heart lifted as she saw Sev-the-Dog come through the wardroom door and jump up onto the bed beside her.

"I'm so glad you're here," she said. "Thank you."

Sev-the-Dog nodded his head once, then stretched out, front paws hanging over the side of the bed.

A St. Mungo's orderly came through the hall door. "It's time, Professor," he said. He went to the safe room door and waved his wand at it. There was a series of whirs and clicks, and the door swung open.

Lupin was still for a moment, then, holding her cloak tightly around her, she dropped to the floor, and walked across the ward. Sev-the-Dog jumped down from the bed and walked beside her, and she placed her hand on the top of his bony head.

The orderly looked at the dog, and opened his mouth to say something. Sev-the-Dog gave him a fierce look, and the orderly closed his mouth, and shrugged.

Lupin hesitated at the threshold. She looked down at Sev-the-Dog, and made an exaggerated gulping motion, then gave him a twisted smile. Then she took a deep breath, and walked into the safe room, Sev-the-Dog keeping close beside her.

Lupin heard a low thunder of voices, but they stopped as she and the dog entered the safe room. Now, there was absolute quiet. Just the door being shut behind them, and then the clicking of the many fastenings. _We're locked in_, she thought. _No getting out before morning_.

The safe room itself was blank – white walls, white floor, everything covered with removable padding. _They'd only have padding with a safe werewolf, like I'm supposed to be_, thought Lupin, _an uncured werewolf would rip anything to shreds_.

The voices began again, but softly now, a low buzz. She looked up. When she'd first seen it, there was only a blank ceiling, she was sure there were one-way viewing panels in the walls, but they were, of course, invisible. Now, someone had enchanted the ceiling, so that it showed the sky above, which was streaked with red and orange. Also new, a viewing balcony circled the room just beneath the open ceiling; it was crowded with faces that leaned over the top, all looking down at her.

She pulled her cloak even more tightly around her, it felt very insecure, and she wished she'd worn robes, no matter how it would look as she burst out of them. She forced herself to stand straight, and turned her eyes to scan the crowd above her.

A frantic waving of hands caught her eyes, and she made out Harry, Ron and Hermione, the three of them almost hanging over the balcony. She smiled back at them, and felt her heart grow easier. _My friends are up there_, she thought. Beside the trio, she saw Arthur and Molly, and Ginny on one side. And the very welcome face of Dumbledore on the other. He returned her smile, and his eyes twinkled gently.

She was grateful to see other friendly faces in the crowd – Minerva was there, and Moody, and other members of the Order of the Phoenix, and the Hogwarts staff. For a moment, she even thought she saw Dobby, but it was just a flash, and when she blinked and looked again, he wasn't there.

Along another part of the balcony were the St. Mungo's staff, including Healer Chandler, the sensible counselor who'd talked to her a few days ago, and who now gave her an approving nod and smile. Professor Begay and his people were next to them, all smiling encouragingly at her, one even giving a thumbs up. Beyond them, she saw a photographer, and a fellow standing with a pad and pen – the _Daily Prophet_ people, most likely. Next, there was Charles Willoughby, from the Ministry, who smiled and waved at her. A few other people were with him who she guessed were also from the Ministry.

And then, she caught her breath involuntarily, there was the flat, flabby face of Delores Umbridge, just showing over the top of the balcony. Umbridge's eyes met Lupin's, and a smile spread across her broad face, though her eyes remained cool. Lupin nodded gravely at her. _Just a little while longer and I'm free of her, be polite until then_, she thought.

Umbridge continued looking at Lupin, her smile growing even larger. Then she stepped back, and cleared her throat. "Hem, hem." It was soft, but it cut through the buzz of voices as clearly as if she'd shouted.

"Ladies and Gentlemen, Witches and Wizards," Umbridge said, quietly, "The sun is setting."

Everyone looked up, and sure enough, the sky overhead was turning deep red. _The sun must be almost over the horizon_, thought Lupin, though she couldn't see it. But she could feel it, the sun's rays diminishing. The moon would already be out, it was only the sun that was keeping the moon's light from bringing out the wolf inside of her. She stepped away from Sev-the-dog, into the center of the room. The voices that had been talking grew silent again.

Lupin could feel the wolf rising within her – she knew it, she could even call it now, at will, so she recognized it. She felt a stab of fear – _please, let this work! What if it fails, what if I go mad? I don't think I could bear it, not in front of all these people_.

She crouched down on the floor, letting the folds of the cloak drape around her.

And the wolf came forth. She felt her arms and legs change, her skin rippled, her face thrusting out. But there was no pain, no fighting against it. No anger, no raging. _I am still myself_, she thought, even as she felt her form grow larger, more massive, as she felt the tickle of hair shooting out of her skin.

_I am still myself_, she thought, as she breathed in, and smelled everything in the room in the way that only a werewolf nose could, where scent was more important than sight. She breathed in all their smells, Sev-the-Dog beside her, Harry, Hermione, Ron, Dumbledore, each and every one of her friends up in the balcony, even the smell of Delores Umbridge, who she had never smelled before, as a wolf, but would know anywhere.

_I am still myself_. She could feel the smile spread across her wolf's muzzle. And she opened her eyes, and lifted her head, and stood up, on all four wolf legs. The blue cloak spilled off of her, and fell to the floor. She looked up at the faces that circled the room, and bowed her head, and gave a wave of her wolf's tail.

And everyone began to cheer.

She stood, eyes closed for a moment, basking in the joyous noise. Then she opened her eyes and she saw a rippling flash above her, then she was astonished to see Harry throw his legs over the balcony, and begin to fall softly toward the floor. _The barrier, someone must have removed it_, she thought, but then had no more time to worry about it as Harry reached the ground and ran over to her, kneeling down beside her, and hugging her great neck. She turned to look into his green eyes, and he grinned, and hugged her closer.

Something dropped onto the ground near them. Lupin looked up to see Ron walking over to them, and Hermione slowing falling from above, to land nearby.

"I'm really happy for you, Professor," Ron said, as he gave Lupin a hug, then he stepped back as Hermione threw her arms around Lupin's neck. "I'm so glad," Hermione whispered in her ear. "I know they said you were cured, but I wasn't going to be sure until I saw it." Lupin delicately licked Hermione's hand as it went by her muzzle.

She looked up, and saw a veritable waterfall of robes, and legs as others in the crowd levitated down into the room, and came over to grin at her, or hug her, or even shake her paw. Arthur and Molly, Ginny, who grinned wickedly and said, "I think nail polish would have looked just fine on your claws." Moody clapped her on the shoulder. Charles Willoughby, from the Ministry, his eyes reverent, "So marvelous, Professor Lupin, this is just wonderful!" A warm smile from Minerva. Hearty congratulations from Professors Sprout and Flitwick.

"Could everyone look up here at me for a moment?" It was the _Daily Prophet_ photographer. They all froze, and then looked up at him, and there was a bright flash as he took a picture. Then they all turned back, and were talking again.

Lupin leaned into Harry and Hermione's arms as they circled her neck. _I am quite giddy_, she thought, looking into the eyes of all her friends. And then she thought, _Severus_.

She turned, looking for him, but couldn't find him in the crowd near her. She had to turn behind her, before she saw him, sitting quietly in the corner, watching her. She smiled at him, and thumped her tail. _Come over with us_, she thought, _come over here with me_. She tried to say it with her eyes. Sev-the-Dog looked back at her, but did not move, although he nodded his head at her.

Lupin turned back to the crowd. And stood up at attention as she realized the tall figure of Dumbledore was standing before her, smiling, his eyes crinkling behind his half moon glasses. "May you never have cause to fear the full moon again, Remus," he said, softly.

She raised her paw, and he took it in his hand. She saw a flash – the _Daily Prophet_ photographer must have snapped another picture – but she didn't take her eyes off of Dumbledore's face. They looked at each other for a long moment, then she pulled her paw away, and he stepped back, saying something to Minerva that Lupin couldn't hear over the buzz of the crowd.

She half-closed her eyes, listening to the voices of her friends, she almost felt it physically, like a warm wind, or a soft blanket. _I am very lucky_, she thought.

"Hem, hem."

The hated sound cut through the noise around her like a buzz saw. Lupin opened her eyes, still looking down, to see a pair of patent leather slippers and lace trimmed socks. She took a deep breath, telling herself to be calm, and above all to behave, as she raised her eyes to meet Delores Umbridge's. She was pleased to note that, even sitting down, she was still taller than Umbridge, who had to tilt her face upward to meet Lupin's eyes.

Lupin felt Harry's arm tighten around her neck. Sev-the-Dog stood up quickly from his spot in the corner, and moved to stand beside her, eyes narrowed.

Umbridge smiled. Then she said, "Hem, hem," a little louder, turning around to address the crowd.

The talking died down quickly, and all eyes turned toward her.

"Ladies and Gentlemen," Umbridge said, "Witches and Wizards." She turned and looked pointedly at Lupin, gesturing at her with one flabby hand. "The beast is tamed, it is a threat no longer. These monsters can be humbled, and soon there will be no need to fear them, ever again. I declare this program a complete success." She smiled at Lupin again, even more sweetly.

Lupin felt a flash of anger. _This woman tried to have me sterilized_, she thought, _it is her fault that I am no longer a man. And I cannot do anything against her, for the sake of this program. She may never be punished for what she tried to do_.

"Don't let her get to you, Professor," Hermione said into her ear. Harry didn't say anything, but Lupin could feel his hand grip her fur more tightly. Sev-the-Dog's eyes narrowed even further, and his lip curled up, showing a flash of white fang.

Lupin immediately forced herself to relax, and leaned against Harry, turning to face him. _We must behave, tonight, Harry, no matter what happens to provoke us_.

Harry nodded, still looking at Umbridge.

"Could you turn to the camera, Madame Umbridge?" called the photographer.

Umbridge turned in his direction, striking a pose. Lupin couldn't see her, but was certain she had on her most simpering smile. Lupin forced herself to look as docile as possible. _Though Merlin only knows how it will look when it's developed_, she thought. Between her, Harry, Hermione, and Sev-the-Dog, what would their images do in the picture, since the images would move according to their real feelings? Hopefully, that picture wouldn't make it to the paper.

"Can I get another picture, with Harry and the wolf?" called the photographer.

_Bless him_, thought Lupin, as Umbridge was forced to move away from them, while Harry drew closer to her, and they both looked at the camera, and smiled.

"Super," said the photographer, "Now, with the other kids."

Hermione, Ron, and Ginny drew around her. They all smiled, and blinked as the camera flashed again. The room was filled with voices again, the uncomfortable silence that had come over the room when Umbridge spoke was gone. _I've never had so many people near me as a wolf_, thought Lupin. _It's wonderful, even if I have to do this in public. Even if I have to have my picture taken with Umbridge_.

Like prodding a sore tooth, she found herself looking for Umbridge, and instantly spotted her, standing by the wall not far away, and looking directly at Lupin. There was something hungry in her gaze. _I own you_, the look said, _I have power over you_.

A crooked smile spread across Lupin's face, and she shook her head. _You pathetic, little bully_, she thought, _you think you have control over me? You think you are better than me? I would not trade places with you for anything. Look at the people who are here for me. Who do you have?_

An image of the picture of Umbridge's dead sister flashed across Lupin's mind, and, for one moment, she felt pity for the woman.

Umbridge's eyes drew close, and she drew back, angrily. _She saw the sympathy in my face_, thought Lupin, _she's offended by it. Not that I care_.

Lupin studied the little woman, standing, looking fiercer than even Severus ever had. _It's over between us_, she thought, _you have no power over me, you are nothing to me. I have what I want from this, and so do you. After tonight, you are gone from my life. I don't care what happens to you, whether you are prosecuted for what you have done to me or not. Your life, your very existence, is bad enough. You are your own punishment_.

Lupin turned away, and brought herself back to the friends who were around her. She closed her eyes, and let the warm sounds and smells cover her, drank in the press of bodies around her, the colors of their robes, all their wonderful, beloved smells. And was happy.

TBC


	9. Chapter 9

Title: Home's the Farthest Way

Chapter: 9

Author: ReeraTheRed

Date: April 26, 2005

Rating: PG13

Our Story So Far: When a semi-cure for werewolfism goes wrong, Lupin is transformed into a woman, and is forced to choose to stay in that form, or lose the benefits of the cure.

Lupin is (still) recovering at St. Mungo's. In the previous chapter, she went through the first change during the night of full moon, surrounded by the Press and friends, proving she could change into a wolf but not lose her mind. She has the rest of that night, and two more nights to go before she can go home.

Acknowledgements: Thanks to beta readers Patti, Michelle and Liz.

Author's Note: I don't know about you guys, but I'm tired of Lupin being tired, I'm tired of Lupin being sick, and I'm really tired of Lupin in this stupid hospital. Well, this is the last chapter, after this, she's home and she's well – YAAAY! (Unfortunately, she's probably going to go back into St. Mungo's later in the story, but only briefly; Lupin keeps getting hurt in my stories, for some reason.)

x-x-x

Chapter 9

"It's getting late," Hermione said, as she stood up. "My parents will start to worry."

"Yeah, time to get on home," Ron said. He looked at Harry.

Harry looked into Lupin's eyes. As he was leaning against her huge, shaggy, wolf side, this meant he had to turn his head completely sideways and down a little. She looked back at him along her muzzle and smiled.

"I think I'll stay a little while longer," Harry said. He looked over at the black dog who sat close by. "You're staying, too, Shadow?"

"Silk," Hermione said. She looked at the black dog. "You like Silk better as a name, don't you?"

The dog stared non-commitally at them. Then he stretched, arching his back elegantly, and lay down on the floor.

"Looks like he's staying," Ron said. He stretched, too, though not so elegantly as the black dog, and stood up. "We'll go on, then, Harry. You come on when you're ready." He pulled out his wand. Hermione already had hers out, and they each said the levitation spell almost simultaneously, and rose up to the viewing platform overhead.

Harry watched them as they climbed over the balcony, and disappeared. Only a few hours ago, it had been filled with people, but now it was empty, and Ron and Hermione's steps echoed along the white walls, growing softer and softer until they were no longer audible.

Harry let out a sigh, and leaned heavily against Lupin's side, feeling the long, soft fur against his cheek.

"Hope you don't mind," he said. "It's just kind of nice, right now."

Lupin thumped her tail against the floor. _Yes, please stay_. How she missed having her voice as a wolf. But she gained physical closeness. Harry would never have leaned against her in human form; she could never have curled around him like this, particularly in her now female body. But as a wolf, it was allowed.

The black dog stared at Harry. Had he inched a little closer? His head was near Lupin's, she could easily have reached out and touched his nose with her own. The black dog's body lay along Harry's outstretched legs. Harry's hand seemed to unconsciously reach out and run along the black dog's skull, and the dog, just as seemingly unconscious of his own actions, ducked his head to meet Harry's hand.

"Don't get me wrong, they're my best friends," Harry said, "but it's nice to be quiet, and lean on someone else for a change." He sighed again, deep and slow. Lupin felt herself doing the same, taking a long, deep breath, feeling her sides expand – her lungs were enormous compared to her human lungs, her side was so broad – and slowly exhaling, aware of the air rushing out of her. She felt herself sink into the soft padding covering the floor.

Sev-the-Dog sighed with them, and he laid his head down near hers. She stared across at him. His black dog's eyes looked back into hers, but, as usual, she couldn't read anything in them. She could smell him, though, smell both of them, in ways her human nose could not match. Harry, his young boy's smell, the clothes he wore, his hair and skin. Young pup – no longer a child, but not a man, yet.

Sev-the-Dog, though, that was different, he was most definitely an adult male. He was smaller than she was – tall as he stood, she was still taller, he did not begin to have her bulk, and he would have been no match for her in any contest of strength. But he was a powerful male, nevertheless, and she could feel a deep part of herself reacting to his presence. The wolf brain. _Fortunately, I'm very tired_, she thought, _too tired to have much response of any kind_.

She looked again into his eyes, and again, saw nothing. _What is he thinking? He's not really a dog, he's a Transfigured human, would he have the dog's instinctive reactions, or his own?_

She felt Harry's head loll against her side, and felt her own eyelids grow heavy. Harry's body was warm against her, and she curled round him a little tighter, brushing Sev-the-Dog's nose inadvertently with her own. He did not move away, and as she drifted off into sleep, she was aware of his own muzzle lying inches away from hers, and felt his breath against her face. And Harry's weight against her side, his hands entwined in her fur.

x-x-x

The moonlight that came through the window of the safe room began to fade, overpowered by the indirect light of the sun that still lay beneath the eastern horizon. An observer, had there been one, would have made out the three shapes curled up together on the floor – the boy, and the two large canine forms, one grey, one black.

The black dog stirred first, a quivering and tightening along his body, his head rising a few inches from the floor. And then he seemed to be instantly aware, his head snapping up, alert, his ears pricked up.

He stared at the boy lying against the wolf for a long moment, his body absolutely still, as if caught by the sight of them. Then he breathed in sharply, and looked up at the ceiling, where he could see the sky becoming lighter. He nudged the wolf's nose, and gave a soft "wuff."

The wolf opened her eyes. The dog wuffed again, and looked up pointedly at the sky. The wolf blinked, not comprehending. The dog turned to the boy, reaching out and taking hold of his collar in his teeth, and giving a gentle tug.

Harry blinked. The dog tugged harder at his collar, pulling him up off of Lupin's side. "Hey," protested Harry, still groggy.

Lupin had seen the sky, and was on her feet as soon as Harry's weight was off of her. She stumbled across the room to where her cloak lay in a wad on the floor, and did her best to spread it across her back, though not succeeding very well.

"I'm sorry, I guess I fell asleep," Harry said to the dog. Sev-the-Dog stared back at him. Harry looked over at Lupin as she tried to get the cloak around her, and he immediately stood up. "Here, Professor, let me get that for you." He awkwardly took hold of the cloak with not quite awake hands, and managed to drape it around her. She looked up at him gratefully, then turned away, hunched over beneath the cloak.

Harry walked to the other side of the room, and stood beside Sev-the-Dog; they both turned and faced the wall. Harry was aware of the room growing lighter, of soft sounds as Lupin changed. Harry looked down at Sev-the-Dog, embarrassed. For one instant, Harry was certain a look of great discomfort crossed the dog's face, but it was gone, and the dog merely looked stiff.

"It's all right now," Lupin's voice said. "You can turn around."

Harry and Sev-the-Dog both turned. Lupin stood in human form, the cloak wrapped tightly around her, so that from her chin to the floor she was a column of blue, with only her disheveled head showing above. Her face looked more lined and thin than it had the day before, and there were deep circles under her eyes. Turning into a wolf had clearly taken a lot out of her, though not as much as it did before she took the cure. _It's just because she's been ill_, Harry thought, _they said she'd be fine in a month_.

"Now, if someone will just let us out of here," Lupin said.

Harry started knocking on the door. Within moments, they heard the clicking of the various locks, then the door opened, and an orderly was there, smiling.

"We've got your bed ready, Professor Lupin," she said. "I expect you'll be glad for a rest. Breakfast is on its way." She nodded at Harry. "We've got enough for you as well. And you," she added, with a nod at the dog.

They followed the orderly into the ward. Lupin got the bathroom first, the orderly passing her a hospital gown as she went in, and leading her back to her bed when she came out. By the time she was settled in the bed, Harry was back, looking as if he'd splashed some water on his face.

"Sorry about staying all night," he said, fidgeting a little. "I'll be heading on."

"Please stay, at least for breakfast," Lupin said. "And I'm glad that you were here."

Harry smiled back and sat down in the chair by the bed. A clicking of toenails on the hard floor announced Sev-the-Dog, who jumped up onto the foot of Lupin's bed, and stretched across it.

"It was nice, last night," Harry said. He stared down at his shoes.

"Yes, it was," said Lupin.

Harry stirred a little, and then said, still looking down, "I don't remember my mother. Not really. I mean, sometimes, I think I can remember things, but I don't know if they're real, or if I'm imagining them." He was quiet again. His face grimaced, then he managed to look at Lupin. "Last night, I felt like she was with me."

Lupin felt her throat catch. She managed to smile at him, blinking back rising tears. _I'm tired, it shouldn't hit me like this_. She met Harry's green eyes with her own, trying to say something there, without being exactly sure what it was she felt. He looked back at her, with Lily's eyes, and she saw warmth there, and affection, and something more.

The orderly came that moment, three trays levitating behind her. "Breakfast," she said cheerfully.

Harry started, then took the tray the orderly directed over to him. Another landed in front of Lupin, and a third at the foot of the bed in front of Sev-the-Dog. Lupin's first thought was, _this is far more food than I can ever eat_, until the wave of hunger hit her. It always did after a change, and even more so now that she had been ill.

They ate quietly, three people comfortable with each other – or, rather, two people and a dog, who, despite having to eat directly off the plate with his mouth, still managed to be the most elegant of the three of them.

Harry was the first to finish, but he set his tray aside and waited patiently while the others ate. When Lupin pushed her tray away and leaned back into the pillows on the bed, suddenly exhausted, Harry stood up. "You need to rest now, Professor. I'll be going home."

She nodded back at him, eyes barely keeping open. Harry smiled at Sev-the-Dog, and left the room.

Sev-the-Dog stretched out and laid his head down. Lupin smiled sleepily at him as she nestled down into the bed, and closed her eyes.

She dozed for at least an hour before she heard Arthur Weasley calling her name. She blinked and sat up, seeing him standing in the doorway, waving a copy of the _Daily Prophet_.

"Remus, I thought you would want to see this," he said, as he walked over to her, and spread the paper out in front of her.

The top half of the paper was taken up by a picture of the whole crowd of them, last night. "First Werewolf Cured" read the headline above, and below, in the center of the picture, there she was, in her wolf body, sitting sedately in the safe room. And around her, the faces of all her friends: Harry, Hermione and Ron with their arms around her, Albus, Arthur, Molly, and Minerva stood nearest on each side, and all her other friends spread around, smiling and waving at her. She could even make out Sev-the-Dog, watching her out of a gap between Albus and Minerva.

There were other photos below: the moment where Albus held her paw – the image of Albus winked at her. She caught her breath at a shot of Harry, leaning against her side, Hermione and Ron close by. And one photo that showed a gentle woman, face a little indistinct, wrapped in a blue cloak, her form blurring and changing into a wolf, only to freeze, and jump back to the original shape of the woman, and go through the change again. _Goodness, is that what I look like when I change?_ Lupin felt her face tighten, that was a bit personal to be on the front page of a newspaper, though it would be hard to recognize her from the blurry photo.

And then, her face tightening even more, Lupin saw the photo of Delores Umbridge, above a separate interview about the program. Lupin only had to read a few lines to realize Umbridge was taking credit for it all, the program and its success. _If she makes herself the figurehead for the program, they won't be able to get rid of her_, thought Lupin. She felt a growl rise in her throat, and stilled it. _It doesn't matter_, she thought.

Her eye was caught by a small picture, down at the very bottom of the page, not much bigger than a postage stamp; it was Umbridge's dead sister, the same photo that Lupin had seen in Umbridge's office. The dead sister looked straight at Lupin and smiled sadly, then closed her eyes. Lupin felt the same sad smile cross her own face.

"The Ministry is very pleased," Arthur said. "There have already been requests to participate from the werewolf community, and we expect more as word gets out." He leaned a little closer to Lupin. "And Remus, despite Madame Umbridge's attempts to hold the spotlight, everyone at the Ministry knows you deserve a great deal of the credit for this. If you hadn't, well, chosen as you did, the entire program could have failed before it even started."

"It's all right, Arthur," Lupin said. "I'm happy, really. I'm not a danger to anyone, anymore. That is worth more than anything to me."

"Nevertheless," said Arthur, "you've still made quite a sacrifice."

He smiled more broadly. "I can tell you that a decision has been made. I can't say more than that, but I should have some good news for you next week." He stood up. "I'll be heading on, you look like you need to rest now."

Lupin picked up the paper and held it for Sev-the-Dog to see. "Look, you're in here, too," Lupin said. "You couldn't hide."

Sev-the-Dog glanced at the picture, then yawned and laid his head down on his paws.

She tried to read the paper, but it was too much for her, and she gave up. She dozed throughout the day, drifting in and out of consciousness. She expected Sev-the-Dog to be gone the first time she became aware, but he was still there, each time she woke, a warm weight around her feet, his head curled against her leg.

He stayed with her all that day. The orderlies brought food for him when they brought her meals. Lupin dimly wondered if someone had said something about him, giving permission. Whatever the reason, no one said the dog had to leave, or questioned him being there.

That evening, after dinner, she stumbled over to the bathroom, this time wrapping an old dressing gown around her instead of the fine cloak she'd chosen yesterday. Sev-the-Dog waited patiently for her, and, as he had the night before, walked with her into the safe room, and stood close by her as the door was locked behind them.

This time, there was no crowd, no observation balcony. The ceiling was a normal ceiling, with only a skylight showing the outside sky beyond – though Lupin was sure it was an enchanted view, they were nowhere near the roof of the hospital. The room felt cold and empty. _Next month_, she thought, _there will be a crowd of people in here, all changing together_. The thought made her feel warm, despite the chill of the room.

She sat down onto the floor by Sev-the-Dog, and waited as the sky darkened, feeling the sun's rays diminishing, and the power of the moon growing, until the wolf stirred within her.

She was glad she was already sitting down as she changed, the power of it drained her and she collapsed against the floor. Sev-the-Dog was beside her immediately, nose against her face.

And she felt it within her. He made such a handsome male, and her wolf body was definitely reacting. _To think I thought he was ugly, when I first saw him as a dog_.

Sev-the-Dog jerked his head up, and stepped back, standing to one side while she managed to raise her head up. _Lucky for me, I'm exhausted, _she thought,_ or this could become a problem. The body does take over. I may keep my rational mind, but I get a set of instincts_.

_And a sense of smell_. She could smell the room itself, antiseptic hospital smells, the padding on the floor, paint on the walls, the electric smell of the spells and wards on the walls and door. The scents of the people who had all been there last night still filled the room, though fainter now. Harry's was the strongest of all, but she could sense Hermione and Ron, who had stayed later, and everyone else as well, from beloved familiar scents like Albus and Minerva, Arthur and Molly, to the overly sweet scent of Delores Umbridge.

But most of all, there was the smell of Sev-the-Dog, filling her nose, and sending a ripple reaction along her spine.

Sev-the-Dog pointedly stepped back even further before he lay down on the floor. No curling up close the way he'd done last night. Did he feel something, too? Was his male dog reacting to her female body the way hers was reacting to his? She looked at him, but, as usual, could make out nothing in that bony face.

_It's probably just because I'm so tired, the human mind relaxes, the animal instincts come out more. That's all_.

She laid her head down on the softly padded floor. She looked one last time at Sev-the-Dog, where he lay across the room from her, smiled, and then closed her eyes.

x-x-x

She became aware again when the first stirrings of the change rippled through her. It was almost dawn, just a few more seconds, and the sun would be up. She could feel the moon's power waning in the growing light of the sun, could almost feel the huge sun disc where it lay just below the horizon.

And then she became aware of a warm, hairy body lying pressed against hers. Or, rather, she was pressed against him, her head buried in his shoulder. Sev-the-Dog, his scent filled her nose. _We must have moved together in our sleep_, she thought. It would have been the instinctual thing for their canine bodies to do, to lie huddled together.

No time to think of anything more, the sky overhead brightened, and she felt her body collapse, from the enormous wolf form to the smaller, hairless, human body, curled up against the warm, shaggy dog beside her.

She felt Sev-the-Dog stir, and he lifted his head to blink sleepily into her own eyes. She managed a sheepish grin. _I'm stark naked,_ she thought, _but I don't want to move. It's so nice, lying against this warm, safe body, feeling his fur against my skin_.

Sev-the-Dog suddenly froze, as if he were only now becoming aware of the situation. He looked a little uncomfortable, but he did not pull away.

There was the sound of the locks on the door being undone. Lupin pulled herself up with weak and exhausted muscles. She located her dressing gown where it lay on the floor nearby, and wrapped it around her.

Standing up was tricky, she was even more tired than the day before, and she wobbled a little. Sev-the-Dog immediately stepped beside her, and she steadied herself against him.

The door opened, and another orderly came inside, and quickly put an arm across her shoulders, helping her first to the bathroom, and then back into bed.

She looked around for Sev-the-Dog, but he was gone. _Well, he's been here for two days, now_, she thought. _He needs a rest_.

She was too exhausted to think much more about it, and, after she quickly swallowed breakfast, she was soon fast asleep.

Severus did not come back that morning, nor that afternoon. As evening approached, she began to worry. _Was he offended, waking up with a naked woman_, she thought, _even though he was in his dog form? Was that too much for him? Or was it that he spent the night lying as a dog next to a female wolf?_

But Severus did come back that evening. In human form, setting yet another wonderfully smelling bag on the table as he sat down, calmly looking at her exactly as he had all the other nights he'd visited. If he felt any discomfort, embarrassment, or anything at all about the night before, he did not show it.

_We will pretend that nothing happened_, thought Lupin as she sat up and smiled at him. _Nothing did happen, after all_.

Severus began unloading cartons and filling up paper plates. "Eggrolls!" Lupin said, in a weak, but happy voice. Severus handed her a plate, then began to eat from his own.

They didn't talk much. Lupin was too tired to do more than concentrate on her food, and Severus seemed content to merely sit beside her in silence, much as Sev-the-Dog had lain at her feet.

She was so exhausted when she went into the safe room that she had to lean heavily against Severus, gripping his arm as she shuffled barefooted through the door, holding the dressing gown closed with her other hand. Once inside, she sank to the floor, curling up on hands and knees. Severus sat down on the floor a few feet away; he leaned against the padded wall, and watched quietly.

When the change happened, it seemed to take forever, not the quick, easy change of the two nights previously. Or did it just seem longer because she was so tired?

She lay on the floor in wolf form, barely holding her head up. She looked up at Severus, and he looked back, from his safe distance. Then she laid her head down, and closed her eyes.

x-x-x

It took her a long time to become awake the next morning, and even then, she felt as if a heavy, grey curtain covered her mind. _It's the third day_, she thought. _I leave this place today, this morning. I can go home_.

She became aware of her body, the room around her. _It's light_, she realized, _the sun is up. I'm human again_.

Her head, it wasn't resting on the floor, or her own arm, her head was raised, warm, surrounded by . . . what? She caught her breath as she realized her head was in Severus's lap, her face pressed against his stomach, her arms draped around him. Even with her human nose, she could smell him, feel soft robes, and flesh and bone beneath, and his hand resting on the top of her head, fingers entwined in her hair. She felt the soft rise and fall of his breathing around her, and found herself breathing with him.

She opened her eyes, at first seeing only black all around her, the cloth of his robes making a dark cave around her face, before she could make out the white of the wall behind him. _Is he awake?_ She turned her head a little, until she could see his pale face above hers. His eyes were closed, his head lolling forward, the curtain of his hair covering almost all but his jutting nose. _What a lovely view of his nostrils_, she thought, with some amusement.

Then his eyes flickered, and opened, to stare directly into hers. She froze. _I should be embarrassed_, she thought. _I should pull away and get my dressing gown around me_. But she did not move.

Severus lay as still as she, and he did not look away, those inscrutable black eyes were locked on hers. _I've stopped breathing_, she thought.

There was a loud clattering behind them - the door, all the locks clicking and whirring as they were being undone. Lupin started, then managed to sit up. She felt something warm fall around her, Severus was placing the dressing gown around her shoulders. She smiled shyly at him in thanks, then pulled the gown tightly around her.

She managed to stand when the orderly came into the room, and the orderly and Severus between them managed to help her through the door. The orderly took her into the bathroom and stayed with her while she bathed quickly, and helped her into her nightshirt and dressing gown.

"You look pretty exhausted," the orderly said. "You can stay on here another day if you like."

"No," Lupin said emphatically. "I'd just like to get home. I'll be all right once I get there."

The orderly looked dubiously at her, but nodded. "Your things have been packed and sent on. The doctors have already given their approval for you to leave. You can go whenever you're ready."

The orderly helped her walk out of the bathroom. Severus was waiting quietly in the chair; he stood up as she came over.

"Ordinarily," said the orderly, "we prefer that people leave the building before they Apparate home, but we can make an exception in your case." She nodded at Severus. "You'll get her right to bed?"

Severus nodded. He looked at Lupin. "We're going to Apparate now. Are you ready?"

Lupin nodded. "Mmm-hmm."

Severus raised an arm, then hesitated. Lupin felt herself flush, and she smiled. _I just had my head in his lap a few minutes ago, why be embarrassed now?_ She stepped closer to him, and he put his arm around her, she felt it warm against her back, his hand holding her waist, and she pressed her face against his shoulder.

There was the slightly dizzy sensation of Apparating, and then she was in her own sitting room. Severus immediately lessened his tight hold on her, moving his arm up around her shoulders to support her.

_I'm home_, Lupin thought, and a feeling of relief shot through her. She was too tired to think much more about it. Severus guided her back to her bedroom and helped her into bed, pulling the covers over her.

Her last moment of awareness was seeing his face, high above hers as he stood over the bed, his black eyes staring down at her from behind the curtain of his hair. Long after he'd left her, while she slept, she remembered his eyes, and the feel of his hand on her waist, and the rise and fall of his breathing against her cheek as she lay in his lap.

TBC


	10. Chapter 10

Title: Home's the Farthest Way

Chapter: 10

Author: ReeraTheRed

Date: May 13, 2005

Rating: PG13

Our Story So Far: When a semi-cure for werewolfism goes wrong, Lupin is transformed into a woman, and is forced to choose to stay in that form, or lose the benefits of the cure.

Lupin is finally home, after spending the entire previous week recovering at St. Mungo's.

Acknowledgements: Thanks to beta readers Patti, Michelle and Liz.

Author's Note: In answer to one question, I make Lupin turn into an oversized wolf instead of the movie creature because that's what's described in the books. I love the movies, but I try to stay within book canon.

Thanks, everyone, for all the reviews! I really appreciate the feedback.

* * *

Chapter 10

Lupin stirred. _I'm home, in my own bed_. And then, with overwhelming relief – _it was all a dream!_

A quick investigation of her body denied that, and, for a moment, ecstasy collapsed into misery, but only for a moment. _I've been through this already, it's just that I haven't been in this body in my home yet, and it's strange again. It will pass_. She repeated in her mind, _I've been cured_, and felt genuinely happy. _I've been cured, my magic mantra, better than any Cheering Charm_.

_And I'm absolutely starving_. She slid her feet out of bed and managed to stand, then stumbled across the floor, out into the hall, and into the kitchen. _It means I'm getting better_, she thought, the werewolf healing powers would be in full force by now.

Was there anything in the pantry? She hadn't expected to be in hospital all week; she didn't stock up before the full moon. But there was food on the shelves, and she snatched at a loaf of bread and gobbled it down, then staggered over to the sink and ran water that she sucked out of her bare hands. Then back to the pantry to greedily eat anything that was available and didn't have to be prepared. A still rational part of her mind thought, _How did all this get here? I didn't bring any of this_. The Hogwarts House Elves, of course, this food was Hogwarts make, she recognized it, even as she crammed more of it into her mouth, barely chewing, desperate to fill her ravenous belly.

She eventually collapsed back down to the floor, satiated. She could have easily gone to sleep right there, on the hard floor, she'd done it before, but she managed to get to her feet and stagger back to the bedroom, and was asleep almost before she was under the covers.

She didn't know how much time passed before she became aware again. The terrible hunger was gone, she felt contentment now. Better than contentment. _I feel good_, she thought. _Better than I've felt in a long time_.

She sat up in bed, blinking. The room was light – summer sunlight pouring through the windows, falling on the wooden floor and the plain, comfortingly familiar furniture of the room. _My room. I'm finally home_.

_There's strange clothing in my wardrobe_, she thought, knowing that Molly had said she'd take Lupin's new clothes back here, and put them away. But the wardrobe doors were closed, and everything looked as it always had. _And the clothing isn't really all that different_, she thought. _Except for the underwear_.

She slid out of bed. She had to reach down further than she remembered before her feet hit the floor. She hadn't noticed before, when all she could think of was eating. _But it always feels different when I'm recovering from a full moon, I always feel as if I'm rediscovering my body. This isn't anything new_.

She went into the bathroom. Her strange, new, female things were there, and their male counterparts had been placed in a cardboard box by the door – _I'll have to throw everything out later today. One final good-bye_. And a smug thought, _I don't have to shave_. Her new body felt odd in the shower, and she ran her fingers through her long hair, but she knew it would not feel strange for long.

She dressed, choosing old clothes that Molly had modified rather than her new things; she wanted the comfortable and familiar around her today.

She wandered out to the hall, and into the sitting room. Everything was still there: the old sofa, the worn chairs, the huge fireplace. She felt a little out of balance, everything looked just slightly too large, and when she sat down on the sofa, it hit her more quickly than she remembered. _It's because I'm shorter, that's all. I'll get used to it_. She found she wanted to curl up on the sofa, and she drew her legs up. _Yes, this is more comfortable. It must have something to do with wider hips. I liked the chair better, as a man, but women like sofas_.

The house wasn't completely normal, she noted. There wasn't a spec of dust anywhere. And she smelled something delicious coming from the kitchen. She went in, and saw, on the counter, a bowl filled with what looked like stew, a hunk of bread, and a pitcher of milk. A glass and appropriate silverware were set neatly beside them. The Hogwarts House Elves were definitely back again.

She carried everything over to the kitchen table and sat down. What time was it? She looked at the clock, which read a little after one. What day was it? She stood up and looked out at the front door. Two copies of the _Daily Prophet_ lay before it. She picked them up and glanced at the date while she carried them back to the kitchen. Monday and Tuesday's editions. So it was Tuesday today. She'd slept for over twenty-four hours, other than her gorging session. Which wasn't bad, considering she was still recovering. And next full moon, she wouldn't need to recover at all, she'd be completely well.

She set the papers down and scanned them while she ate. Delores Umbridge's picture was in each edition. Lupin's eyes narrowed at the sight of her. However, the accompanying articles all said that werewolves were signing up for the program in greater numbers than the Ministry had even hoped, enough to fill the hospital ward for months to come, and that was worth the sight of Umbridge's face. That was worth everything.

She read the papers and then dozed through the afternoon. She awoke to another set of smells from the kitchen. She glanced at the clock – a little before seven. A check in the kitchen showed more food. A lot more food, actually, and table settings for two. For two?

As if on queue, there was a whoosh of flames in fireplace back in the sitting room. She peeked through the doorway, and saw Snape's head floating above the grate, his pale skin and black hair contrasting weirdly with the green flames.

"Lupin," he said. "How are you feeling?"

"Hello, Severus," Lupin said. "I'm much better."

Severus's body materialized below his head, and he stepped out of the fireplace into the sitting room, shaking ashes off his black robes. He was carrying a hamper. "Are you feeling well enough for tonight?" he said.

Lupin blinked. Tonight? Then her brain clicked. "Oh, my goodness, I completely forgot. It's _Ariadne_, at Covent Garden, isn't it."

"We can postpone to another night, if you'd rather." Snape took a step back toward the fireplace.

"Oh, no, no, that will be wonderful," Lupin said. "Just what I need, in fact."

Snape held up the hamper. "I believe you requested butterbeer."

Lupin grimaced. "I'm sorry, I probably should stay away from anything even remotely alcoholic."

"Ah. Then it's a good thing I brought non-alcoholic cider as well." Snape carried the hamper into the kitchen.

Lupin went to the mirror over the fireplace, and spoke the invoking words. The shiny surface began to swirl. It wasn't time for the show to start, so when the picture formed, it showed a view of closed curtains, and empty seats.

She turned and saw Severus carrying two mugs. Behind him floated two plates covered with food, silverware, and glasses of water. He gestured with a hand, and the floating articles settled down on the coffee table. Lupin sat on the sofa, and he set a mug by her, then sat down in his usual chair.

"I see the Hogwarts House Elves are still watching out for you," Snape said, as he picked up his plate.

Lupin flushed. "I told Dumbledore they needed to stop, but they seem to have come back. Not that I'm not grateful. I think I would have starved when I first woke up if they hadn't filled the larder." She sighed inwardly. "I'll tell them to stop once I'm better."

"You should let them continue, Remus," Snape said, eyes severe.

Lupin frowned. She opened her mouth to answer, but Snape went on, "The Ministry owes you a great deal, considering what you've just been through. They can easily spare some extra food from Hogwarts. I'm sure Dumbledore will agree with me."

Lupin's frown grew deeper, but she said nothing. _Drop it_, she thought. _I'll speak to Dumbledore about it later_.

"Remus, I know that look," Snape said. "You are far too stubborn for your own good when it comes to accepting help from other people."

"And you aren't?" Lupin cocked an eyebrow.

Snape frowned, then he looked at her and gave a half-smile. "Perhaps you can set me a better example." He took a bite, swallowed, and said, "You place too great an importance on money, Remus."

"That's because I don't have any," Lupin said.

"A great injustice. It has nothing to do with your abilities, or your worth. Or what you give to others," Snape said gently. "All your friends know this."

"Oh, yes," Lupin said. "'Poor, helpless Remus.'" Lupin looked down at the plate of food in front of her, and suddenly didn't want any.

"Your determination to refuse all assistance goes beyond reason."

Lupin set the plate down on the table. "All I want is to be independent. And I seem to be completely incapable of being so."

"Because no one is," said Snape. "You taught me that."

Lupin stared into her lap, avoiding Snape's eyes, though she could feel them on her. For a moment, she felt a lump rising in her throat, but only for a moment. _I'm still tired_, she thought. "So, am I really being silly?" she said quietly.

"Immensely," Snape said. "Eat your dinner. You have fairly earned it."

She took a deep breath, and picked up her plate. She mechanically took a bite. It didn't taste as good as it had before.

"Try the cider," Snape said.

She picked up the mug, feeling its warmth spread into her fingers. She breathed in the smell. It was wonderful. There was more than just apple juice in there, she could make out cinnamon and cloves, and other things. She took a sip, and the mixture of sweet, sour, and spices filled her mouth and slipped easily down her throat.

She looked back at Snape. "It's delicious. Did you make it?"

Snape nodded.

"I never knew you could cook," said Lupin. "Although I expect this is nothing for a Potions Master."

She drank a few more swallows of the cider. It did make her feel better.

"Remus," Snape said carefully, "Arthur Weasley has been telling me about his latest actions at the Ministry."

Just the thought of Snape being careful made Lupin suspicious, and she put the mug down.

"The Ministry has already made the formal arrangements. Arthur is planning to tell you later this week. I am telling you now. You will have to pretend to act surprised when you see him."

Lupin could only stare.

Snape continued. "The Ministry is going to pay you a settlement in recompense for what happened to you. A pension, for the rest of your life."

Lupin blinked.

"It won't be much," said Snape, "but it will provide a living. Given your frugality, you should manage on it reasonably well." Snape sipped at his cider mug.

"A pension," Lupin said. "But I'm capable of working. I was hoping for a job - "

"You aren't going to get one. The Ministry hasn't opened up so much that they will hire a werewolf. The prejudices aren't going to vanish overnight." Snape looked directly at her. "Arthur thinks, and I agree, that this isn't nearly enough, given everything you have done for the Ministry, and for all Wizard-Kind, over your lifetime. It's simply the best that can be arranged."

Lupin stared into her lap. "I don't know what to say."

Snape's ugly smile crossed his face. "That is why I am telling you now, I knew how you would react." He raised an eyebrow. "Arthur has worked very hard on this for you. He expects you to be happy. He and Molly plan to invite you over for dinner as soon as you're up to it, and tell you then. It is meant to be a celebration."

"And you're worried I'll be an ungrateful boor about it?"

Snape said nothing, but he held up his cider mug in a mock toast before taking a swallow.

_Now I feel miserable again_, thought Lupin.

"You'll feel better about it, once you get used to the idea," Snape said. "Eat your dinner."

Lupin gave him a look, then shrugged, and drank another swallow of cider. It really was good, she could feel its warmth spread through her body. _There's probably more in here than just apples and spices_, she thought. _It would be just like him to put something else into it – could a Potions Master resist?_

As if reading her mind, Snape said, "There's nothing in there to worry about, Remus. It has no more power than an herbal tea."

Lupin flushed. "I'm sorry." _Although there are some powerful herbal teas out there_, she thought, _though it couldn't be too strong if he was drinking it himself. Or could it – he's on anti-depressants after all. But did it really matter?_ She took another swallow. "I've just had a lot of people lately deciding things for my own good. They've been right, of course, but . . ." She shrugged.

"I do understand." He looked coolly at her as he said that.

"Yes, you would, wouldn't you. We certainly have done that to you. Have you ever forgiven us? For turning you into a dog, without asking you?"

Snape stared a moment longer. "Mostly. I would not be alive today, if you had not done so."

"But there's still some resentment, isn't there."

Snape shrugged, then leaned back in his chair. "Overall, I am extremely grateful, Remus. You know that."

"At least I've had the option to say no, most of the time. It's more than we gave you."

"You couldn't give that to me. I understand." Snape took another swallow of cider. "And did you really have the option to say no? Could you have refused to be the first one through the treatment? With so much at stake?"

"I wouldn't have been forced if I'd refused. And it wasn't anyone's fault that I really was the only one." Lupin shrugged. "And, overall, I am extremely grateful."

Snape looked back at her over the top of his cider mug, and said nothing. Just those black eyes staring out of his pale face.

Then his eyes slid sideways. "I believe the program is about to start."

"Oh," Lupin said, looking up to see the theater now full, and the lights dimming. She quickly gestured at the mirror, and the sound came up.

It wasn't until the cast was on stage that she realized the irony of seeing _Ariadne_.

"Is there some significance to the female in male attire?" Snape asked. "Is she in disguise?"

"Um, that's called a 'trouser role,'" Lupin said. "It's a male character, played by a female actress. A lot of young male roles were written to be played by adult women. Someone who had more performing skill than a young boy would have." _Not to mention that a lot of male audience members found the sight of a pretty woman in trousers titillating, though I'll be damned if I say that out loud_. And another thought, _I would have considered her very attractive, before. And she is attractive, no question, I just don't feel the same way about it._

_I'm going to have to rediscover all my favorite heroines, I suppose_, she thought wistfully. _Will I fall in love with the heroes instead?_ She couldn't tell from this show, _Ariadne_ didn't really have any wonderful heroes, at least not in the first act, although there were some attractive secondary leads. Nothing that made her heart flutter, though. Not that Lupin's heart had been fluttering over anyone for a very long time.

"This is extremely silly," Snape commented as the curtain went down on the first act.

"Yes," said Lupin. "It's an odd second act, too."

Snape stood up. A flick of his wand, and the empty dishes, Lupin's included, rose into the air, and followed him into the kitchen. He came back after a few minutes, cider mugs refilled, and two more plates floating behind him.

"A large pie has appeared on the counter, did you know?" he said as he sat down. He directed one of the plates over to her, along with a mug.

"It wasn't there before, someone must have put it there while we were watching the show."

"They're probably serving dessert at Hogwarts now, someone sent some over to you at the same time." Snape ate a forkful. "The House Elves always did like you. Feel free to invite me over to share whenever you like."

"You're welcome any time," Lupin said. "You don't mind being reminded of the place?"

"Not the food," Snape said. "Even if it weren't a choice between this or doing my own cooking."

"Ah, yes, you're doing your own housekeeping now. How's that working out for you?"

Snape grimaced. "If any Hogwarts House Elf chose to look after me, I wouldn't complain."

"It is nice, I'll grant you that," Lupin said.

Snape ate another bite of pie and chewed thoughtfully. Then he put the plate down in his lap, and said, "I sent word today. I'm taking the job. Both jobs."

"Working with Professor Begay?" _I'd completely forgotten_. She felt ashamed. _Too wrapped up in my own problems_.

"And for St. Mungo's. I asked to delay until I can find a proper workplace and set up. The flat's too small, I'll have to rent space elsewhere."

"I'm glad," said Lupin. "Your skills are too valuable to waste."

Snape pursed his lips. There was a time when he would have preened at that praise – the traditional dark lord was always susceptible to flattery – but he merely nodded.

"I'll be happy to help you with moving and setting up," Lupin said. "I'm don't exactly have much to keep me occupied these days. Particularly if I don't have to worry about scrounging a living anymore."

"I would appreciate it. I would enjoy your company, at the very least."

Orchestra music sounded from the mirror, and they both turned to watch the theater lights dim, and the curtain rise as the second act began.

Lupin found she had a hard time focusing on the performance, though she was not bored or restless. Quite the contrary, she felt content. Her eyes wandered around the room, re-acquainting herself with everything there. As often as not, she found herself looking at Snape, as he sat in his chair. Just as he always did – maintaining a proper distance away from her. No matter how close they would get to each other when either was in animal form, as human males they had never moved within touching distance.

Was he happy, about working? Was happy the right word? She looked closely at his face, but, as usual, it was impossible to tell anything. He seemed caught by the singers, but that wasn't unusual. Lupin had discovered Snape's attraction to music a long time ago, though this would probably be a little light for his tastes, which ran more to heavy opera (those dark lord tendencies again).

Even his body language betrayed nothing more than interest in the show. No emotion whatsoever. What must it be like, to have schooled one's self to show nothing? Betray nothing? Even shielding his thoughts. His life had depended on his ability to do this. Or was that the wrong way round? Had he survived because he could do this already, even before he joined Voldemort? Where the only emotion he could safely show was rage?

She was looking at him openly now. _If he turns, he'll see pity on my face, and he won't like that._ But she couldn't look away. _You still manage to break my heart, Severus. Strange creature that you are, with your great nose, and your deathly pale skin, and your black robes up to your chin and down to your toes, hiding everything_.

There was a time when she'd considered him ugly, though a lot of his poor appearance was rooted in his depression. He had improved in the past nine months, no question. His teeth had been fixed by Madame Pomfrey last summer, and while his smile wasn't going to land him on the cover of _Witch Weekly_, there was nothing off-putting there anymore. His hair looked much better, too – Madame Pomfrey said his hair had reacted to his own feelings of poor self-worth. He still did little with it other than to reluctantly pull it back on formal occasions, but it was no longer repellant – quite the contrary, it looked like Sev-the-Dog's hair, and she knew how silky that felt.

_Didn't I say once that I was going to get him out of black robes and into a pair of jeans?_ Snape had managed to avoid that – not even work for the Order had provided a situation that required him to don any Muggle clothes, much less jeans. And he didn't go to the International Quiddich matches, or walk among Muggles on the street, or venture out of wizard territory in any other way. No, she'd never seen him in anything, but plain, black robes, though his natural elegance made them seem of finer stuff than they actually were. Even now, just sitting in the chair, legs stretched out, hands draped over the chair arms, he was as elegant as a cat.

No, he wasn't ugly. Just strange. Black and white. Mostly black – a great, dark form, with his white face and hands floating ghost-like between his hair and robes. But it's the robes, isn't it, that makes that mass of black. He's all white skin under there.

_Where did that come from?_ She'd never thought anything like that before about him; it felt like an invasion of his privacy. And yet, looking at him, the thought came again, of thin, pale limbs and torso, beneath the folds of black cloth.

_I need to look away_, she thought. And as that thought flashed into her mind, before she could act on it, Snape turned and met her eyes with his own. She blinked, and turned back to the performance in the mirror, careful not to look away too quickly. She felt his eyes on her for some time afterwards. _Well, I was looking at him, he can look at me. I've certainly changed a lot, and he has to get used to that_.

Snape rose when the cast was making their final bows. He went to the kitchen and returned with re-filled cider mugs. "This time, there is something more in it," he said as he handed hers back to her. "A healing potion recommended by St. Mungo's. It could have a sedative effect."

She took the mug from him, and, as she did so, her fingers touched his. More than briefly. He did not pull away, and neither did she. She looked up – was there concern in his face? Dammit, it was impossible to read him. That fairy tale villain's face, hovering just above hers. _Telling me he's spiked my drink_.

"Thank you, Severus," she said. He released the mug into her hands, and sat back down in his chair.

_Keeping a proper distance, still_, she thought, as she took a deep swallow. She tried to sense the potion in the drink, but couldn't detect anything. She looked back at Snape, who was watching her in his chair. _Keeping a proper distance. Mustn't touch each other. Not when we're people._

_I was in his lap just yesterday morning, _she suddenly thought_. My head, anyway. Against his belly. And his thighs. And what else? Goodness, I think the potion is going to my head_.

She set the mug down on the table, her head wobbling. Snape was immediately by her, taking her arm, helping her stand. She started to say, _I'm fine, I can make it by myself_, and then stopped herself. _I like him taking my arm_, she thought, _I like leaning on him_. Snape had always been taller than Lupin, even when Lupin was a man. In her sleepy haze, his shoulder looked very inviting, just the right height to rest her head on. But too far away, he had a careful hold of her elbow as he guided her down the hallway. Ever the proper gentleman.

A proper gentleman couldn't help her out of her clothes, even if Snape had helped male Lupin into his nightshirt more than once in the past. She saw him stiffen even as he entered the bedroom. _I suppose it's a lady's bedroom now_, she thought. She wanted to say, I_t's just me, it's still me, just Remus_. Instead, she smiled at him, and said, "Thank you, Severus. I can manage from here, I think."

She held onto his arm, though. "Thank you, for coming by this evening. As always, I enjoyed your company."

Snape stood at his full height, and looked at her, his arm still supporting her. He brought up his other hand, and laid cool fingers on her arm for a long moment, before he lowered both arms and took a step back, nodding his head in a slight bow. His eyes stayed on hers the whole time, and she couldn't look away.

Then he stepped back to the door. "I'll let myself out," he said. "Good night, Remus." Her last sight of him was his hand and black sleeve as he pulled the door shut. _His white hand_, she thought. _And there's a white arm under that black sleeve, leading to white shoulders, and . . ._

_I have got to get to bed_, she thought, shaking her head. She heard the soft whoosh of flames in the sitting room, as Snape flooed back to his flat, and then she felt the silence of the house around her. She quickly pulled off her robes, put on her nightshirt, and slid into bed. Any more unsettling thoughts were quickly overcome by Snape's potion, and she was asleep within minutes.

TBC


	11. Chapter 11

Title: Home's the Farthest Way

Chapter: 11

Author: ReeraTheRed

Date: May 17, 2005

Rating: PG13

Our Story So Far: When a semi-cure for werewolfism goes wrong, Lupin is transformed into a woman, and is forced to choose to stay in that form, or lose the benefits of the cure. In the last chapter, Lupin is back home, after spending the entire previous week recovering at St. Mungo's. Snape spends the evening with her, watching opera, and she finds she's having some unfamiliar feelings about him.

Acknowledgements: Thanks to beta readers Patti, Michelle and Liz.

Author's Note: Yay – school's out (at least until summer session starts), so I'm catching up on writing.

Thanks for all the reviews (goodness, people have liked the last two chapters). You are all quite delightful, and I have really enjoyed everyone's comments, many of which made me laugh. I think the grand prize goes to Kyer: "Snape really needs some How And When NOT To Be A Gentleman classes."

* * *

Chapter 11

"Are you all right, Remus?" Molly asked, concern crossing her face.

Lupin stared at the parchment in front of her. "Yes," she said, blinking. "Oh yes. This is . . . quite generous. More than I could have ever expected."

"It's a pittance," Arthur said, with some vehemence. "With your talents, you could earn so much more, if you were allowed. This comes to even less than a standard Ministry disability pension."

"It is more than adequate for my needs," Lupin said. "It's a king's ransom to me." She smiled. "Thank you, Arthur. I can't begin to tell you what this means for me. And how much I appreciate your efforts on my behalf."

"My pleasure, Remus," Arthur said, flushing.

"You're sure you're all right," Molly said again. "We were a little . . . that is to say, well, Severus was concerned that you might be upset."

"Severus has chided me for being unreasonable about accepting aid when needed," Lupin said. "He's right." She smiled at them again. "There is no shame in accepting help from my dear friends."

"You've been a help to us often enough, Remus," Molly said. "There's more than money." She patted Lupin's hand. Then she collected herself, and stood up. "Now, I'm sure you'd like a little time to think before everyone else arrives for dinner. Arthur, could you help me in the kitchen?"

"Everyone else?" Lupin said, carefully keeping any alarm out of her voice. She wasn't in the mood for a crowd tonight.

"Just a few people from the Order. Albus is coming, and Moody, and a few others."

"Severus?" The name slipped out of Lupin's mouth before she could stop it.

"We invited him, but he declined." Molly shrugged. "He said he already had other obligations, but, well, Severus has never been one for gatherings."

"No," Lupin said. "No, he isn't."

Arthur and Molly left her. Lupin sat with the paper clutched in her hand. The words swam in front of her eyes; the amount awarded to her, a row of numbers, blurring. Severus was not coming. Her stomach lurched. He knew she'd be here. He was avoiding her, he'd seen how she felt, last night, and was repelled.

_Stop it_, she told herself. _You're behaving like a schoolchild_.

It had been like this since she woke up that morning. Last night, after he'd gone, she'd tried to sleep, only there had been dreams, of a kind and intensity she hadn't had since she was a young man – and, well, she'd never had dreams quite like that as a young man. Not from that angle, as it were.

It was the aftershock of the full moon and being in an animal body, she told herself. It was Snape's healing potion. It was being in the body of a middle-aged woman – she had some pamphlets talking about that. She was probably going to feel like that about anything with a Y chromosome, so it was only natural to feel that way after close contact with a male she was fond of.

She'd lain in bed, hugging her knees to her chest, thinking of other males she'd been close to in her life. Sirius, she conjured him in her mind, in his many faces – the handsome boy she'd loved as a brother, the tortured man who'd come back, after all those years. And she did love him, she missed him still, but her feelings were no different than they'd been before, as a man. _My dear, disreputable brother, if you were alive today, I'd care for you deeply, but as a well-loved, but exasperating, friend_.

James, then? She thought she would have been in love with him as a schoolgirl, particularly knowing him as well as she had, but she couldn't awaken anything now. He was so much Lily's. And Sirius's. _I was always on the fringe of those three_. Peter? Too much had happened since the old days; the only emotion that came now when she thought of him was sorrow and guilt.

She tried to think further, of other men she knew, or of the latest witches' heartthrobs. Gilderoy Lockhart's handsome face flashed in her mind, though she could only laugh at the thought of him. But her thoughts kept returning to a certain long, pale face with piercing black eyes and her heart leapt every time. After torturing herself for what seemed like hours, she pressed her face into her knees and admitted the reality to herself. _I am attracted to Severus. Deeply_.

The whole situation was ridiculous, she knew that. _I have been female for all of a week, how can I feel this way?_ And, worse, what would Severus think, if he knew? It had to be hard for him now, seeing his male friend in this shape. If he knew she had developed a sexual attraction to him, he could only be horrified.

But who else would she feel this way for, if not her best friend? And that realization brought another set of crushing memories. It wasn't exactly the first time she had been madly in love with someone who only considered her a friend, after all. In fact, this seemed to be more the norm of Lupin's existence – unrequited love. There had been so many times, with Lily; Lupin had listened to her confidences while his heart ached for her. Had Lily known? He would have died rather than let her know. He would never have risked ending their friendship, and he'd had the sense to know that anyone who had fallen for James was hardly going to consider him.

_If I could bear it then, with all the anguish of youth, I can certainly bear it now, when I am older and calmer_. _Severus is not coming tonight, whether he knows or not._ _It's just as well. I will have a good time with my friends here, and next time I see Severus, I will be careful and show nothing._

She forced herself to look at the parchment again, as a distraction. Other emotions emerged – especially her knee-jerk reaction to anything that smacked of pity, but she was able to suppress it. And the part of her that was deathly weary of slow starvation, servility, and scrounging was turning somersaults. This would mean security and a life of dignity. And the freedom to pursue those things that, had she been a normal human being, she could have earned a living at. Pursuits that used her talents – her studies and research. She was still a Master of the Studies of the Dark Arts, after all.

She looked again at the numbers on the parchment. Yes, Arthur was right, it wasn't a huge amount, but it was enough. She gripped the paper tightly; _yes, this makes me feel happy_.

Arthur went to answer the door and Lupin heard Moody's gruff voice_. He hasn't seen me yet_, she thought, sighing inwardly, as she discretely tucked the parchment out of sight and stood up.

Moody paused, giving her the once-over, then he nodded, as if approving. "You still look like yourself," he said.

"I still feel like myself," she answered, unable to suppress a smile as she held out her hand – _I'm the lady now, I have to offer first_.

Moody took her hand and gave it a shake or two, before sitting down. "I hear the Ministry has finally done right by you, too. High time. I'd have you in the Aurors in a heartbeat, if I had any say in it, but now I can use you unofficially without feeling guilty."

"I'd be delighted," Lupin said. "Feel free to call me in on anything interesting."

"The things they consider 'not worth their time,'" Moody grumbled, and his false eye spun for a moment. He frowned. "Speaking of which, there's some trouble in the werewolf communities. I know you aren't exactly in touch, but if you hear anything . . ."

"What kind of trouble? Though I can guess."

"Yes, I expect you can," Moody said. "The old guard is going to lose power if the rank and file get cured and don't need to stay in a pack for protection anymore. And they're signing up at the Ministry in droves. They're having to be secret about it, of course. Fear of retribution – you know the ones who'll try to stop them."

"I do," Lupin said. "I've been on the receiving end of some of it, myself. As a wizard, I'm a match for any werewolf, but I lose my magic when I'm in wolf form, and I'm not one of the stronger wolves. If my wizard friends hadn't made it plain they'd protect me, I'd be in real trouble. Severus actually faced down a pack leader a couple of years ago for me - Baron, who's now the head of a pack I tried to run with for a little while."

"I've heard of him," Moody nodded. "He's making a lot of noise, now, saying he'll kill anyone who goes to the Ministry. But there are too many, he can't kill them all."

"His pack runs in the Forbidden Forest," Lupin said. "I know them, I could - "

"No, I don't want you getting involved too much, Remus," Moody said. "You're a wizard, even if you're also a werewolf, and that makes you suspicious to the packs. It's the first batch of Muggle werewolves that will be the real test, the real victory. If we can just get through this next full moon, with that first group . . ."

"I know," Lupin said. "And I can tell you firsthand, what this means to the packs. All the people who've been subjugated by a small number of thug leaders. It's the powerful who rule in the werewolves, the strongest, and too often that means the most vicious. This cure is going to mean freeing a lot of innocent people."

"The Ministry's said it'll offer protection," Moody said, "but they don't understand the extent of the problem." He looked darkly at Lupin. "And there're some who'd be just as happy if the werewolves killed each other off." He nodded. "It's going to get worse before it gets better, mark my words."

Lupin nodded. "As you say, if we can just get past this, I do think it will get better."

"Every person we can cure is something, at least." Moody grinned at Lupin. "Even if all we did was cure you, that puts us ahead in my book."

Lupin smiled, but before she could answer, there was another call at the door. Kingsley and Tonks, this time. Lupin and Moody both stood up. _Here we go again, more who haven't seen me_, thought Lupin. _But really, it's no worse than being at a fancy dress ball. Even if I didn't get to choose the costume_.

"Hey, Remus, you look good," Tonks called merrily. "Are you going to keep the name?"

Lupin couldn't help laughing. _It's going to be fine_, she thought, embracing Tonks, and shaking Kingsley's hand. _I'm glad I came tonight_.

It was later, after dinner, when everyone was standing up from the table and wandering into the living room, when Dumbledore took Lupin by the arm.

"Remus," he said, eyes smiling, "I have neglected you for the past week. Would you join me in the garden for a few minutes?"

"You've hardly neglected me, Albus," Lupin said, as she let him guide her out the back door. "I feel I have monopolized far too much of your time and energy lately."

"Not in the least," Dumbledore said, "though I have been thinking about you." He settled down on a large rock, and surveyed the garden, all black night shadows, and spots of yellow light reflected from the windows of the house.

Lupin sat down beside him and waited.

"You seem to have settled into this new form even more quickly than I had hoped, Remus," Dumbledore said.

Lupin nodded. "I learned a long time ago that who I am is not determined by the shape I wear. I won't say I haven't had to get used to things – still have to get used to things – but yes, I am settling in. As you said, it won't be long before no one, not even I, will think of me as being any different."

"Then we will not speak of it anymore, tonight." Dumbledore was quiet for a moment more, then he said, "Have you given a thought to your future, Remus? Your life was taken over for so long, with the war, and then, last year, caring for Severus. What are your plans now?"

"I don't really have any," Lupin said. "I was worried about just living, but that's been taken care of, thanks to Arthur, and you, too, I expect." She nodded to Dumbledore in gratitude. "Moody says he plans to ask for my assistance on Auror business. I'd like that. And I'll be helping Severus set up, he's accepted some work."

"Ah yes, Severus," Dumbledore said, nodding. "You'll be helping him with his Potions work, I expect."

"Well, I'll certainly help him with his new work space. I can't help with his business, of course. I'm no Potions Master, I'd just get in the way."

Dumbledore looked at her through his half moon spectacles for a moment, and Lupin thought he was about to say something more. But he said nothing; instead he looked back at her. _What does he want_, wondered Lupin.

After a long moment, Dumbledore looked back out at the garden. "Well, you could help me tremendously, although I don't want you to change any plans you have already made."

"I'd be delighted to help you with anything, you know that."

Dumbledore raised his shaggy eyebrows. "It's Hogwarts business, actually. The curse on the Defense Against the Dark Arts position has worked again, although it took two years this time. Mabruk refuses to return next year. I think he's found that it's hard to impress students with classroom exercises when they've fought against Voldemort himself. So once again I find myself without a Defense Against the Dark Arts instructor."

Lupin caught her breath.

"Would you consider taking the job on again, Remus?" Dumbledore said it very casually.

Lupin's heart did a flip-flop. "But I'm still a werewolf, Albus. Even if I am cured, there will be parental objections."

"A cured werewolf is no danger to the children. And you are a hero, Remus, a holder of the Order of Merlin, and an original member of the Order of the Phoenix. I think that should outweigh any objections anyone would care to raise." Dumbledore looked at her. "You were one of the best teachers Hogwarts has ever had, and I'd be overjoyed if you would return."

Lupin couldn't speak. She felt tears rising in her eyes.

"Remus, if you don't want to, I can find someone else - "

"No! I mean, Yes! Of course I want to! You know I do." She caught her breath, and fought the urge to leap up into the air in sheer joy.

"Then I will be delighted to have you on my staff again."

Lupin had to force herself to breathe. Teaching at Hogwarts. She'd said she could do it, earlier, when she first heard of the cure, but she hadn't really hoped it would happen.

But then another thought hit her, and she was instantly sober. She took a deep breath. "But what about Severus? Have you considered him?"

"I asked him and he refused," said Dumbledore. "I think he was horrified at the very thought of stepping into a classroom of teen-aged students again."

"Well, yes," Lupin said. "There is that."

"He will feel no jealousy of you, should you accept the position," Dumbledore said, and again, Lupin thought he was about to say something else, but decided against it.

Lupin nodded. "I know how much he wanted the position, all those years he was at Hogwarts." She looked at Dumbledore. "Albus, why didn't you let him have it? I don't know if it would have made him happy, but it might have made life at Hogwarts more bearable."

Dumbledore looked back at her. "A Potions Master of Severus's ability, teaching Defense Against the Dark Arts? Do you know what the O.W.L. and N.E.W.T scores in Potions were, when he was teaching? I haven't been able to find anyone half as good since he's left us – not with the money a Potions Master can make in business these days." And again, the way he looked at her made Lupin think that there was more to it, but Dumbledore did not add anything, and she did not ask further.

x-x-x

"I won't move into rooms at Hogwarts until the term starts, of course," Lupin said as she filled two glasses with water. "So there's the whole summer, still." She considered. "I wonder where I put my old lesson plans . . ."

Snape was quiet as he helped himself to the dishes the House Elves had set out on the counter.

_He's worried I'll be too busy to see him much_, Lupin thought, and she quickly said, "It won't be any more trouble to floo between your flat and Hogwarts than it is to floo between your flat and here. I'm not head of any house, I'll have time to visit. We can spend just as many evenings together. I'll grade papers, and read out the more amusing bits to you. You can tell me about the werewolf research, or the latest findings from St. Mungo's. Very much like we've always been."

Snape nodded. "Of course." He carried his plate over to the kitchen table.

Lupin thought she was managing fairly well. Her heart had raced as his arrival time approached, and she'd felt her stomach lurch at the sight of him in the fireplace, but she'd managed to get control of herself. And if she did tend to gaze at him as he'd turn or gesture gracefully with a hand, on the whole she felt she'd betrayed nothing.

She sat down at the table. He waited until she picked up her fork and cut a bite before he did the same, and they began to eat.

"I've found a place that may suit me," Snape said. "It's a bit too large, though. For just one person." He ate another bite. "Though I've been thinking about taking on students. Older students, post-school, of course. Apprentices. But that might be more than I could manage alone." He looked at Lupin for a moment, but as usual, she couldn't make out anything in his face.

"I think that would be wonderful, if you could manage it. You might want to keep it in mind for the future, if you don't feel up to it now," Lupin said. "You may find you need the help, if your workload increases." She smiled. "You could wind up quite the entrepreneur. Head of your own staff."

"I fear I would make a poor Master," said Snape. "I would pity any child who chose to apprentice under me."

"Perhaps if you had someone to handle things for you," Lupin said.

Snape nodded. "The house is set up with living quarters as well as workspace. It was owned by a family – a husband, wife, children." Snape's eyes flicked toward Lupin's for a moment. "The children's rooms could be used by students, of course."

"Of course. It sounds very nice. Why are they selling?"

"They're retiring and moving to a smaller place. The children have moved out, and none of them want to carry on the business."

"It does sound like more than you would need for now," Lupin said. "But there's no harm in having too much space, if you can afford it. And if it suits you otherwise."

"The working areas are excellent. I would have to make a few changes, of course – reinforce the walls and check the ventilation, mostly."

"Then it sounds like the perfect place," said Lupin. "You'll be a man of property."

"Even if I do rattle around in the personal quarters." Snape leaned back in the chair. "I don't suppose you have any of the butterbeer I brought over the other night."

"Yes, down in the basement, where it's cooler. I'll bring some up."

"No, don't bother, I'll get it. I know where it is." Snape stood up, and walked to the basement door. "Do you want any?"

"Yes, please."

Snape said, "Lumos" and the basement lights came on, then he disappeared down the stairs. He came back a few minutes later, carrying two bottles. He popped both open, set one by Lupin, and sat down.

But he didn't drink. Instead, he pursed his lips, as if thinking. Then he said, "Lupin, are you going to do anything about that cage down there?"

Lupin started. "No, I hadn't planned to. I guess I hadn't even thought about it."

"You don't need it anymore."

Lupin was quiet for a moment. "No, I know." She sighed. "But the thought of losing it frightens me. Of course, the thought of keeping it frightens me, too. Because of what it means, if I should ever need it again."

Snape watched her. "How long has it been since you've been inside it?"

"Not since you've been making the Wolfsbane Potion for me. Three years now." She stifled a shudder. "I confess, the idea of ever going inside it again terrifies me. But the idea of needing it again and not having it there, that terrifies me even more."

"You won't need it again. You just punish yourself by keeping it."

"I know, I know. I guess there's just a part of me that can't really believe it. Maybe when I've been through a few full moons . . ." She shrugged. "I have to say, I don't think I'll ever be ready to face a full moon alone. There will always be that fear, you know. That I'll lose control. That the madness will come back. This cure hasn't been around long enough to really say that it lasts a lifetime."

"I will spend the full moons with you, as long as you want me," Snape said.

Her heart flipped, and she smiled at him, "Thank you, Severus, that means so much to me." _I'm getting a goofy look on my face_, she thought, and she quickly looked away. _Did he see? Please let him not have seen_.

If he did see anything, he gave no sign. Not that that meant anything.

"Well, then, to your new place, maybe," Lupin said quickly, holding up her butterbeer bottle. "And to me letting go of the cage. Maybe."

Snape lifted his own bottle and clinked it against hers. And they drank.

She delayed taking Snape's offered healing potion until after he'd left, drinking it slowly as she sat on the sofa, staring at the empty fireplace where he'd stood before vanishing in a burst of green flames.

She finished the mug, and carried it into the kitchen, washing it in the sink. There was nothing else to tidy up; Snape had helped her earlier, washing dishes, wiping counters.

And there was the door to the basement. She hadn't gone down there since she came back, except for the brief trip to store the butterbeer. Now she found herself staring at the door. _I don't want to go down there_. Which meant she had to. Particularly after what Severus had said that night, about the cage.

She opened the door and stepped carefully down the stairs. And there was THAT door, off the main room of the basement. She stared at it for a long time before she turned the knob and let it swing open.

The cage took up almost the entire room. It stood as high as a man could stand, as wide as a man could lie. A raging dragon couldn't shift it, or dent its bars; top grade ironwork had been reinforced by spells that would last a lifetime. Moonlight shone through a narrow row of windows, throwing shadows of the bars on the walls. She called out "Lumos" and the room became light, but the shadows were still there, against white plaster walls covered in layer upon layer of faint brown stains. Lupin's blood, years of it, more than even the strongest Scouring Spell could remove. Mum had always cleaned it all off, every time, but Lupin gave up after she was gone. What was the point?

The cage door hung open, showing the complicated latch mechanism, impossible for a wolf's paw to open, but easy for a human hand, even if that human could barely stand. How long had it been since Lupin had last opened that door and dragged his body out? Almost three years. Severus had been making the Wolfsbane Potion for Lupin ever since.

Lupin leaned back against the wall, and slid down until she sat on the floor, never taking her eyes off the bars. They'd had it built here before Lupin had gone to Hogwarts, he'd been dangerous even that young. And the first night, Mum and Dad had sat just where Lupin was sitting now and watched. And the rage he'd felt, seeing them, how he'd flung himself against the bars, wanting only to reach them, to tear them apart with fangs and claws.

When he was himself again the next morning, he'd asked them not to wait with him again, it only made things worse, and they never did. Mum would walk with him to the basement door and watch to make sure he was in the cage, and the latch was secure, and then she'd leave him. She would come back in the morning to help him stagger to the cot they'd set up in the basement, pour healing potions down his throat to numb the agonizing pain, and bandage his wounds. By the third day, he would be little more than a bloody mass. He would heal quickly, but he was never really well, and a month later, it would all begin again.

At Hogwarts, it had been the hated Shrieking Shack, and Poppy and Minerva who had ministered to him. But that had only been for seven years of his life. Mostly, it had been Mum and Dad, and then no one, after they were gone. He'd tried running with a werewolf pack for a short time; being with the group calmed the madness, as it had those wild nights with James and Sirius and Peter, in their animal forms. But life with the pack had too high a price, and he'd left, to return here.

All those years of going down the basement steps, alone, closing the door behind him, hearing the clank of the cage door that meant both safety, and agony. _My chamber of horrors, and my sanctuary_. There had been no money for healing potions for most of that time, and too often, he wouldn't leave the cage until the three days of full moon were over, unless driven by hunger or thirst. Severus had not been the only one who had considered ending an existence that seemed doomed to nothing but misery. If not for the thought of the pain it would cause those who cared for him, he would surely have done it.

_And here I am now_. It was like being at the other end of a dark tunnel, blinking in the light. Had it been worth it, all those years of misery and loneliness? She looked again at the brown-stained walls, and the shadows of the bars, and thought, _Yes_. She closed her eyes, and felt a tear run down her cheek. _Oh yes, to be where I am now. I cannot say I will have no more pain in my life, but at least this horror is over. These stains are just shadows of a past that is truly gone now_.

But she was not ready to give up the cage. Not just yet. There was some part of her that still needed it.

_Severus said I am punishing myself_, she thought. _He could be right. I have never felt I deserved any of this, but I have always felt tainted. _She looked at her hand._ Even cured, I am still a werewolf, the dark magic still runs in my blood. That will not end, until I am dead_.

_No, I am not ready, I will keep it. I will keep the room door closed, I don't have to look at it. But I need to know it's there_.

_Besides, how on earth am I going to get it out of here?_

She sat a few moments more. Then she stood up, dusted off her robes and left the room, carefully pulling the door shut behind her.

TBC


	12. Chapter 12

Title: Home's the Farthest Way

Chapter: 12

Author: ReeraTheRed

Date: May 27, 2005

Rating: PG13

Our Story So Far: When a semi-cure for werewolfism goes wrong, Lupin is transformed into a woman, and is forced to choose to stay in that form, or lose the benefits of the cure. In the last chapter, Lupin accepted Dumbledore's offer to teach at Hogwarts, Moody talked with her about trouble in the werewolf community, and Snape mentioned he'd found a suitable home/workspace for his potions work that was a bit too large for just one person.

Acknowledgements: Thanks to beta readers Patti, Michelle and Liz – Michelle and Patti especially helped me a lot this chapter.

Author's Note: Thanks, again, for all the reviews – they've been so much fun to read. Reactions to Snape talking about the too-big house have been everything from, well he's being real subtle, to (paraphrasing Kyer's post here) he's practically begging you to move in, say YES you fur-brained moron! LOL!

* * *

Chapter 12

Lupin gripped the edge of the Gringotts cart. It had come to a halt, but her head was still spinning.

"It does take a little getting used to, Professor," Charles Willoughby said. "But here we are, at your vault. Every month, the Ministry will send a deposit – your first one should be here already."

The Gringotts goblin was already at the vault door with the key. It was a small door, and it opened to reveal a small space, and a small pile of gold, silver and copper coins. Lupin stared at them for a moment – _those are really mine!_ - before counting out a handful of coins into her pocket, leaving the bulk of the money behind. The Gringotts goblin closed the vault door and locked it.

Lupin gulped as she climbed back into the cart, and gripped the side tightly as it rocketed back to the main hall where it screeched to a stop. Charles Willoughby offered her his arm to help her as she climbed out. The goblin handed the key to her, gave a smart bow, and returned to his place behind the counter.

Willoughby walked beside Lupin to the exit. As they reached it, Lupin heard someone call out her name from across the hall. She saw Hermione waving and walking quickly toward them.

"I was here exchanging some money," Hermione said when she reached them. "I'm glad I ran into you."

"Mr. Willoughby was just showing me my new bank vault," Lupin said - Willoughby smiled and nodded his head. "I've got some shopping to do afterwards in Diagon Alley."

"Oh, me, too," Hermione said. "Mind if I join you for a bit?"

"I'd be delighted," Lupin said.

The three of them left the building and stepped into the street. Willoughby cleared his throat. "Well, I must be returning to the Ministry now."

"Thank you so much for your help today, Mr. Willoughby," Lupin said.

Willoughby smiled, and flushed. "It was my pleasure, Professor. If I can be of any further assistance, please do not hesitate to call on me." He gave an embarrassed nod, then vanished with a bang.

Hermione grinned at Lupin. "He's certainly attentive."

"He's been very kind to me throughout this entire mess," said Lupin.

"Well, he likes you, so that gives him a good rating in my book," Hermione said.

They looked out on the busy street before them. "Where to first?" Hermione said.

"To be honest, I was just going to wander a bit," Lupin said. "I haven't been along Diagon Alley with money in my pocket in a very long time. I do have a few things I need, but I just want to look."

"Wandering sounds like fun," Hermione said. "I'm still amazed by it all."

They began to walk slowly, pausing at the first shop window. Just outside was a rack of newspapers with the latest _Daily Prophet_. Lupin frowned. There was Delores Umbridge's face yet again on the cover, near a headline that read "Werewolves Signing Up For Cure in Huge Numbers."

"Ugh," Hermione said. "I read that this morning. I'm glad about the news, of course, but I wish I didn't have to see her along with it. I'm surprised she's so eager to have her name associated with werewolves, considering her dislike of them."

"She's very passionate about this cure," Lupin said. And then she shrugged. "And, frankly, I think she's trying to save her job. If her name becomes synonymous with the program, it will be very hard to get rid of her without endangering it."

Hermione frowned deeply at Lupin's words. "Something needs to be done about her. She's getting away with everything."

Lupin shrugged. "I decided that nothing could be done that would be as bad as just being her. Beyond that, I'm trying not to think about her."

But it was hard not to think of Delores Umbridge. They saw the _Prophet_ everywhere, up and down the street, her face large on the front page. Lupin carefully kept her eyes off the picture, and tried to concentrate on the headline. _That's what matters_, she thought.

She and Hermione looked in every window, bought a few things here and there, and eventually came to The Leaky Cauldron. Lupin took one whiff of the delicious smells wafting from the door, and stopped. She felt the coins in her pocket – wealth unbounded compared to what she'd been used to in the past. "Hermione, may I treat you to lunch?" she asked.

"I'd love to have lunch," Hermione said, "but you don't have to treat me, I've got plenty of money with me."

"No, please," Lupin said. "I'm finally in a position where I can afford it, and I would like nothing better than to treat someone I'm fond of."

Hermione smiled. "Well, then, I would be both honored and delighted, Professor."

Hermione was just pulling the door open, showing a glimpse of ancient stone walls and wooden tables inside, when Lupin heard a voice say, close behind her, "Remus. It's been a while." She could feel a puff of breath on her ear, and, for a moment, she froze, the old fear rising. How did he come that close without her noticing anything?

Her hand went instantly to touch her wand, in her robes - she could draw it in an instant if she needed to – and she forced herself to draw a breath before she turned, to stand face to face with Baron, chief of the Forbidden Forest werewolf pack.

He loomed over her as he leaned against the brick wall, a casual smile flickering on his face, showing the tips of white teeth. He wore his clothes with complete indifference, and she found herself very aware of his naked body beneath them – she had seen him far more often without clothes than with them, and even more often wolf than human. _Great Merlin_, she thought, wanting to take a step back, but forcing herself to stand where she was. _I thought he was a great brute before, but to see him now, with a woman's eyes_ . . .

She realized she wasn't breathing, and she forced herself to draw air. Beside her, Hermione was absolutely still, eyes wide. _No wonder he was always so popular with the females_, Lupin thought._ I could never understand it before_.

"Hermione," Lupin said quietly, "would you mind getting us a table inside? I won't be long." _And I don't want your face in his head_.

Hermione opened her mouth to say something, but then looked carefully at Lupin, nodded, and went inside. _She'll watch through the window, of course_, Lupin thought, _but she'll be in the shadows where he can't see_.

Baron smiled, as if amused. "You've changed, Remus." He leaned forward again, his eyes moving from Lupin's face to focus pointedly on her chest. "It's an improvement." He raised a hand until it was inches away from her, and his fingers curved, caressing the air.

Lupin caught her breath, and gripped her wand in her fingers. _He can't hurt me now. With my wand, I can take him, and I am protected, at the full moon. There is no need to fear him anymore_.

"What do you want, Baron?" She managed to say it in a calm, level tone.

"You know what I want," Baron said, eyes still staring down, and the same amused smile on his handsome features.

"I am not returning to the pack. You cannot force me," Lupin said. "Is there anything else?"

Baron's eyes flicked up now, to hold hers. His eyes were brown, and large, with thick, black lashes. _His eyes were brown when he was a wolf, too_, she remembered. He smiled wider, showing his white teeth again, his face close enough so that she could feel his breath on her cheek. And his smell, warm and musky, she could smell the forest on him. And again, she wondered, frightened again, _How could he have come up on me so suddenly, without my knowing?_

He moved closer still, eyes holding hers, and she stepped back, pulling her wand out now, though she kept it lowered. He did not move back, but continued to smile. _He cannot think I'm attracted to him_, she thought. And then thought again, _But I am_. And he could probably sense it. He was a werewolf, one who embraced his animal form, and he had an excellent command of those heightened senses. She frowned, annoyed with herself as much as she was with him.

She sighed, and shook her head. "Baron," she said, gently now, "you know I will help the pack. I always have. I will help you, if you need someone to go between you and the Ministry. I'm sure I could arrange for you to receive the cure with the first group -"

"The cure!" Baron snorted, all languidness gone. He drew up, eyes flashing, towering over her, and she caught her breath – she remembered, too vividly, that look in his face, right before his claws would rake into her.

But instead, he turned to the newsrack, with the headlines blazing, and Umbridge's smug picture. A snarl crossed his face, and he shattered the glass with a fist and grabbed a great handful of papers, waving them. "You think I want any part of this!" he said, his fangs showing full and white now. "It will destroy us! It will destroy the packs!"

"Any werewolf who wants to be in a pack can choose to do so," Lupin said. "They just cannot be forced to."

Baron laughed, and easily ripped the papers into shreds, letting them scatter on the ground. "You really think so? You think the wizards will protect them, after this is over?"

"The Ministry has promised," Lupin said. "I believe them."

Baron barked a laugh, and shook his head. "Poor, misguided Lupin. Do you really believe the wizards will accept you, just because you've been 'fixed'?" He gave an ugly emphasis to that last word. "Have you been allowed to work? Have you been treated as an equal? Accepted outside that tiny group of friends you have?"

"This isn't about me," Lupin said. "Most of the werewolves aren't wizards. They don't expect to become part of the wizard community."

Baron tilted his head like a dog, no longer snarling. "You're a werewolf, Remus, not a wizard," he said, his voice soft. "When will you accept that?" He leaned closer, his great, brown eyes looking into hers, his musky smell, and the smell of the forest, flowing around her and Lupin felt a shiver down her spine, and not of fear. _Stupid reflexes_, she thought. _Stupid hindbrain_.

She took a step back, and shook her head, as much to clear her head as to communicate to him. "No," she said, quietly.

Red rage flashed in his eyes, just for a moment, like lightening, and she flinched. _I've been trained to expect a blow, I still expect it after all these years_, she thought, and her hand came up, holding her wand. _Do it_, she thought. _Strike me, and I can strike you back, without any qualms. It will solve a lot of problems_.

But the rage left his eyes, and the smile returned. He had seen the fear in her, as clearly as he had seen her attraction. _Well, it would get him nothing_, she thought.

She looked at him, forced to tilt her head up. "The time of the packs is over, Baron. Accept it. Come join the human race. You were part of it once, you can be again."

He did not move, he simply continued to look at her, still smiling. She turned, and, forcing herself to move slowly and with dignity, opened the door to The Leaky Cauldron and went inside.

Hermione was waiting. She looked at Lupin expectantly, eyebrows raised. Lupin sighed. "It's a long story," she said. "Let's get a table, and I'll tell you."

So they sat at a table, and looked over the menus, and commented on the selections. But after they'd placed their orders with the waiter, Hermione looked at Lupin rather severely and said, "So who was that?"

Lupin heaved a sigh, and told her. In answer to Hermione's questioning face, she went on. "In my twenties, it was a few years after Voldemort's first defeat, after I'd lost James and Lily, and Sirius, and Peter. And my parents . . ." She sighed. "I joined a werewolf pack, for a few months."

Hermione looked very disapproving.

Lupin winced, and went on quickly. "There's something about being in a large group together that calms that terrible madness. I'd experienced it a little, when James, Sirius and Peter were with me, in their Animagus forms. That's the reason werewolves band together. It means you don't spend three successive nights ripping your body to shreds. Or having the terrible hunger to kill humans."

Hermione looked thoughtful. "Now that I think about it, the accounts of werewolf attacks have always been by lone werewolves, never by a pack of them."

"Yes," said Lupin. "And some of the packs still have very terrible reputations. But when I joined, the Forbidden Forest pack was relatively well thought of. Murder was not allowed, nor making anyone a werewolf against their will – it just takes a bite, you know. At the time, I thought abuse of fellow werewolves was also not allowed, but I found later that only extreme physical abuse was banned."

"EXTREME physical abuse?" said Hermione, raising her eyebrows.

"I found out a lot of things after I joined the pack. There is no law for werewolves, not as we know it. They are an outlaw society, shunned by the wizards, and most Muggles don't even know they exist. The strongest rule, the weakest submit."

"How very feudal."

"Yes. When I joined, the Forbidden Forest pack was ruled by a good man, Matthew, but he wasn't strong enough to rule absolutely. No one ever is. But he was a clever politician, and balanced different groups against each other. His group was dominant, and they were good people, for the most part, but there were other factions who were not."

"Like this Baron fellow," Hermione said.

"Baron was, at the time, head of the next most powerful faction within the pack. Matthew and his allies were able to keep Baron's group in check, to some degree, but only so far. I saw terrible abuses, even torture, by many of the dominant pack members." Lupin looked down. "Needless to say, I wasn't a very dominant wolf, so I wasn't able to protect myself, much less anyone else."

"But you're a wizard!" Hermione said.

"Only as a human," Lupin said. "When I'm a wolf, I lose my magic. And it's the wolf form that counts, with the pack. There are people who are very prominent in the Muggle world – doctors, professors, business leaders – who are the lowest members of the pack because they lack physical strength. And many of the dominant pack members are brute thugs – even if they didn't start out that way, the pack ways turned them."

"That's no excuse," Hermione said.

"No," said Lupin. "But these are very damaged people. Just being a werewolf, what you go through. No torture they inflicted was as bad as what a werewolf does to himself, when he's going through full moon alone." She shook her head. "A lot of werewolves choose to spend most of their time in wolf form; there are some who haven't been human for years."

"But real wolves don't behave like that," said Hermione.

"The human mind combined with the wolf mind," Lupin shrugged, "it can produce something very twisted, that is neither human nor wolf."

Hermione nodded. "So, this Baron, he's afraid of losing his underlings if they all get cured, and don't need the pack during the full moon, since they won't go mad anymore."

"Yes," said Lupin.

"How stupid, to do these kinds of things for status," Hermione said.

"Oh, it's more than status," Lupin said. "A dominant wolf is supported by his underlings, they pay tribute, in goods, service, money." _Or other things, from the females and younger males_, Lupin thought, but did not say. Hermione could probably figure that one out for herself. "As you said," Lupin went on, "very feudal. As a wizard, I made a very valuable underling. Baron tried to get me as his for years."

"Even after you left the pack?"

"Oh, yes. When the old pack leader died, a few years ago, Baron became the new leader, and he tried to get me back by force." Lupin shrugged. "As a wizard – well, witch now – I'm a match for them. But during the full moon, I'm helpless. Even the protective wards around my house vanish. Fortunately, Severus was with me at the time, and he faced Baron down. They've left me alone since then. Until today."

"Why would he bother now?" Hermione asked. "He knows you have protection."

"Because I'm the first one cured," Lupin said. "I'm the symbol of how things can be. Get at me, and he can intimidate everyone else. It would show that the cure would change nothing, that the promise of wizard protection would be empty."

"He must be desperate."

"His entire world is being shattered. He's been supported by his underlings for most of his life – he rarely enters the human world at all, Wizard or Muggle, but spends nearly all his time in the Forbidden Forest. He doesn't even take human form, most of the time. I think the idea of returning to the human world terrifies him. What can he do? He'll never have the status there that he's enjoyed as pack leader."

"Well, if you'd told me he was a good leader, I'd feel sorry for him," Hermione said. "As he wasn't, I won't. It's better than he deserves." She frowned. "I wouldn't trust him, Remus. You need to look out."

"I DON'T trust him," Lupin said. "But he's no match for my magic. And Severus is always with me, during the full moon when I'm vulnerable."

Hermione looked closely at Lupin for a moment, then she nodded. "I'm glad to hear that. Because I don't think this Baron fellow is going to give up without a fight."

"I agree. But there's not really anything he can do, is there? As long as the majority of the werewolves want the cure, he can't stop them."

Their food arrived then, and they each began to eat. After a few bites, Hermione said, "I heard you were going to teach at Hogwarts again."

Lupin smiled, glad to be on a happier topic. "Yes. Dumbledore asked me the other day, and, of course, I was delighted to accept."

Hermione chewed thoughtfully, and swallowed. "I'm glad you'll be teaching, of course; you were the best Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher we ever had. But I was a little surprised, you know."

Lupin cocked her head and Hermione continued. "I thought, well, that you and Professor Snape might be partnering up."

"Oh, I'm no hand at potions," Lupin said. "I'd be useless as a business partner to him."

"Not as a business partner," Hermione said. "I meant, well . . ."

There was something in the way Hermione looked at her. Realization dawned on Lupin. "Oh," Lupin said. "OH." She flushed. "Oh, no," she said quickly, "there's nothing like that between us. Severus is my friend, of course, but nothing more."

"I don't know," Hermione said. "He was certainly very attentive to you when you were in hospital. And you seemed very receptive."

"He's always been very attentive." Lupin felt her face turning red. "It's no different than before."

"I think you feel quite differently than before," Hermione said.

Lupin opened her mouth to deny this, but the words wouldn't come out. She sighed and hung her head. "Does it show that much?" she managed to say.

"I wouldn't say that," Hermione said, "but . . ."

"I thought I was being so careful."

Hermione's eyes were laughing. "I don't see why you're so upset. I think it would be wonderful if the two of you were together."

"That's not going to happen," Lupin said. "I'm only happy Severus didn't flee in horror at the sight of me when I changed. It's got to be so hard for him."

"I think he's very attracted to you," Hermione said.

"Oh, no," Lupin said. "That's not even remotely possible."

"Why not?" Hermione said. "You're an attractive woman. You were an attractive man, for that matter. I had quite a crush on you, you know, when I was younger."

"And that's the point," Lupin said, flushing again. "I was a man, less than a month ago. It's bad enough to expect anyone to be attracted to a werewolf, but this is too much."

"Oh, I don't know," Hermione's eyes were still laughing, "Mr. Willoughby, from the Ministry, at the bank today, he seems to be very attracted to you. And he knows you're a werewolf AND he knew you as a man."

"Mr. Willoughby?" Lupin said, in disbelief. "Goodness, no, I'm much too old. If he were only a few years younger, he'd have been one of my students."

"What does that have to do with it?" Hermione said. "It just means he has good taste. And isn't blind," she added, grinning.

Mr. Willoughby? Lupin still couldn't believe it. Though he had been extremely helpful. Definitely going above and beyond what was necessary – helping her at the bank today, he hadn't needed to come. And he did visit her at the hospital. And brought flowers. "Well," she said, "perhaps he is MILDLY attracted to me. It's probably because he has these romantic ideas about werewolves, that's all."

"Perhaps," Hermione said, "but he still is. I think it's very sweet of him."

Lupin took a very deliberate bite of her lunch and chewed slowly, trying to signal that she wanted to end this line of conversation. Hermione didn't say anything, but her eyes were still teasing.

"Hermione, please," Lupin said. "This isn't funny."

Hermione's eyes immediately became sympathetic. "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to make you uncomfortable. Well, not much. But I'm not the only one who's thinking this way, about you and Professor Snape."

"Oh no," Lupin said. "Please tell them to stop. Seriously, there is nothing between Severus and me, and I don't think there ever will be. We are just very good friends." She smiled. "That really is enough for me."

Hermione studied her. "Poor Remus," she said.

Lupin grimaced. "Now there are words I've heard too often."

Now it was Hermione who flushed. "I'm sorry. I really thought you two had . . . well, I'm really sorry. Believe me, I know what it is to have feelings for someone who just thinks of you as a friend."

"I know," Lupin said, her voice now gentle. "And I know you're not talking about any schoolgirl crush you had on me."

Hermione winced. "So I can't say it was that, can I? Or the one I had on Professor Snape, either. Or Professor Lockhart."

"Gilderoy Lockhart?" Now Lupin's eyes were laughing.

"I must confess," Hermione said. "Well, I was only thirteen at the time. And he does have a wonderful smile, you have to give him that. And gorgeous eyes."

"Well, I had some intense school crushes on a few of my teachers, too," Lupin said.

Hermione smiled back. But then she said, soberly, "But it was Lily, for you, wasn't it."

Lupin started, and then nodded. "Yes. Yes, it was."

Hermione nodded, then looked down. "I suppose I don't have to tell you who it is for me."

Lupin shook her head. "No." She paused for a moment. "I think Harry needs some time to find out who he is, just being Harry and not The Boy Who Lived anymore."

"I know," Hermione said. "I just don't think, when he's finished, when he's ready, that it's going to be me. I mean, he could have his pick, he's a hero, after all."

_She could be right_, Lupin thought, sadly. _You're a hero, too, Hermione, but men don't fall in love with heroes_.

"But we'll always be friends, I know that," Hermione said. "That's more important to me. It's enough."

Lupin tried to say, Y_es, it is, it can be,_ but the words stuck in her mouth. _I've been saying that for myself_, she thought, _and I believe it's true for me. Why can't I bring myself to believe it for Hermione?_

Instead, she reached forward and covered Hermione's hand with her own. Hermione looked up, her eyes meeting Lupin's, and a tear began to drip down her cheek. "Oh," she said, turning away and fumbling for her napkin. "Now look at me, I'm being so stupid . . ." She dabbed at her face, then took a long swallow of water. "There, I'm all right now, really."

"I'm afraid I'm not the best person to give advice in situations like this," Lupin said. "I haven't done all that well myself."

"So, when did you get over your crush on Lily?" Hermione said, still dabbing at her face.

Lupin grimaced. "Well, I'm over her now, I can tell you that."

"Oh dear," Hermione said. "This isn't helping."

"I suppose not," Lupin said. She took a deep breath and sat up very straight. "Well," she said, "I think we both deserve some dessert after this. Something indecent."

"And chocolate?" Hermione managed a smile.

Lupin smiled back. "Best remedy against Dark Magic. I suppose broken hearts qualify."

So they ordered the most decadent thing on the menu. Loaded with chocolate.

TBC


	13. Chapter 13

Title: Home's the Farthest Way

Chapter: 13

Author: ReeraTheRed

Date: May 31, 2005

Rating: PG13

Our Story So Far: When a semi-cure for werewolfism goes wrong, Lupin is transformed into a woman, and is forced to choose to stay in that form, or lose the benefits of the cure. In the last chapter, Lupin and Hermione spend the day in Diagon Alley, Lupin runs into Baron, the werewolf chief, and she and Hermione have a very depressing lunch.

Acknowledgements: Thanks to beta readers Patti, Michelle and Liz. And, as always, thanks for all the reviews, they are what keeps me going!

* * *

Chapter 13

"Chocolate, chocolate," Lupin muttered as she searched frantically through the pantry shelves. There had to be some left. She pushed cans and boxes aside, peering into the shadows behind them, but she couldn't find anything. Even her special _For Medicinal Purposes Only_ stash seemed to have vanished.

There was no help for it, she would have to go out and get more. Right away. She'd been told there would be cravings At That Time, but she hadn't expected anything like this. Granted, according to one of her many pamphlets, female werewolves could have particularly intense symptoms, usually once or twice a year. Wonderful.

On the other hand, now that she wasn't destitute, she could afford something more than the serviceable but pedestrian products at the local market. She could go to Honeydukes; it was only a moment's Apparating away, after all. And she could walk around Hogsmeade while she was there. Suddenly, the thought of going out for supplies didn't sound so bad.

Even if she otherwise felt like, well, a number of unprintable words filled her brain, though she seemed to be over the worst of it. The first day had been as bad as she'd expected, perhaps even worse, just from the strangeness of it. She'd felt out of sorts the day before – irritable, depressed, but had put it down to a post-recovery relapse from her hospital stay. The next day, she'd discovered what it really was. Well, next month, she'd know the symptoms. And have a lot more chocolate on hand, not to mention some wonderful potions Molly had recommended to her. Fortunately, she seemed to be over the worst of it.

She checked herself in the mirror. She didn't feel attractive even when she was normal, but now it was worse – a gaunt face, heavily lined, with sunken eyes stared back at her. However, she was at least fit to go out in public. Her hair was relatively neat – she was tying it back these days, which was easy to do. Robes were clean and straight. All right, then. She set her hat on her head, pulled a light, summer cloak over her shoulders, and headed out her front door. She checked the wards around the house – everything was working – and, with a bang, she Apparated.

She reappeared just outside of Hogsmeade, near the train station. She looked down the High Street. Things were quiet – Hogwarts was still in session, but the students would be close to exams now. In a few days, the village would be full of celebrating children, but now, only a few adults were wandering the streets.

Normally, she would have strolled down the main street, looking in the windows, but today, she went directly to Honeydukes, with barely a glance at The Three Broomsticks or the Post Office. She picked up a basket and made straight for the chocolate. It was comforting just to see all her old favorites, plus some new things she hadn't tried before. And how wonderful to simply toss things into the basket, without having to carefully weigh the cost and figure out the most she could buy with the few pence she could afford to spend on an indulgence.

She carried her basket to the counter. The witch there smiled at her and nodded knowingly as she totaled it all up, placing everything in a brightly colored bag. "You look like you could use this, dear," she said sympathetically.

"Oh, yes," Lupin said, as she paid and took the bag. She waited until she was outside the shop before she pulled out the first piece of chocolate her fingers touched and bit into it.

Ah, that was much better. She felt calmer almost immediately. She finished her first piece, and started on a second. Now she could wander. She walked slowly along the street. Above the rooftops, she could make out the Shrieking Shack in the distance, and she felt a chill, but she quickly looked away. There were plenty of other, more pleasant sights around her.

There was Zonko's. She stared happily into the window for at least fifteen minutes. Exploding gum – the picture showed flames and smoke coming out of a boy's mouth. Magic damping amulets – "your friends' spells won't work and they won't know why." And an amazing selection of fireworks charms, all different colors. Several of the items had labels reading "Weasley's Wizard Wheezes" on them. Fred and George's business was still going strong.

Next door was Gladrags. Moving mannequins in the window were dressed in what Lupin guessed were the latest fashions for witches. While she could see they were very pretty to look at, she had little interest in the mechanics of it all, and her brain rebelled at applying any of this to herself. _I guess I'm just a born bluestocking_, she thought. _I'll be a scruffy professor forever, male or female_.

Dervish and Banges, the wizard equipment store, that was more interesting. She wished she'd brought more money with her. Probably just as well. Those were things she'd have to save for. The Hog's Head was down a side road, but she just gave it a glance, she was definitely not in the mood for that today.

She reached the far side of the village, then turned and walked back. She thought about turning into The Three Broomsticks for a butterbeer, but decided against it, and soon found herself back at the train station.

_I could go home now_, she thought. But instead, she found herself continuing along the road as it wound along the lakeside. She tried to make out the giant squid, but he wasn't showing himself today. But the afternoon sunlight sparkled on the water, and a light wind rustled through the trees, and she was content just to walk, with her bag of chocolates.

And there were the gates to Hogwarts, the two great pillars, with the winged boars on top. The road continued on through them, but she stopped there – she probably wouldn't be able to get through them anyway. But it was all right, just to follow the road with her eyes as it crossed the beautiful green grass. Over to one side was the Quidditch pitch, and far beyond, across the lake and the grounds, was the dark line of the Forbidden Forest.

And towering above all was Hogwarts itself, with its turrets and battlements and rippling flags, sunlight glinting on the windows. Just the sight of it lifted her heart. _In just a few months, I'll be back again. I'll have my chambers, and my office, and my classroom, and my students. The sixth and seventh years would have been first and second years when I taught before; I'll see familiar faces there. I'll have tea in the teachers' staff room or down with Hagrid in his hut. Or in my own chamber, maybe with Severus if I can persuade him to floo over_.

She'd already begun planning lessons, looking into the latest textbooks, making arrangements to bring in interesting dark creatures – Hagrid was a big help there. It would be hard to impress the students, many of them had been in Harry's army, and already knew defensive techniques way beyond the norm for their age.

She leaned against a pillar, content to just stand and watch, even from outside, enjoying the green of the grass, the blue of the sky, the rocky cliffs, and the stones of Hogwarts, when a hand appeared out of nowhere to nip a piece of chocolate from her bag.

She whirled, and gasped, despite herself.

"Hello, Remus," Baron said, biting into the chocolate with his strong, white teeth.

Her heart was pounding. How long had he been there? He could have struck her down, and she wouldn't have known until it was too late.

"Hello, Baron," she said, forcing her voice to sound calm – but he almost certainly could sense the beating of her heart – "What do you want?"

He reached over, with a hand large enough to engulf both her hand and the bag as well, and delicately picked out another piece of chocolate. Lupin stifled a shiver, and forced herself to stand absolutely still.

"Good stuff," Baron said, as he popped it into his mouth. "Honeydukes make – of course, I could tell that from the bag. But that's why you're here, of course. A lot of the females come out here, every month."

_He can smell me_, Lupin thought. Probably any werewolf could, though. He had probably been in the Forbidden Forest, and caught her scent minutes after she arrived in Hogsmeade; the wind was blowing out that way. She could feel a flush rising in her face.

"I heard you found work after all," Baron said, nodding at Hogwarts. "The old man always had a soft spot for you. I presume your werewolf status is secret." He smiled in a very ugly fashion.

"No, it isn't," Lupin said. "So you can't blackmail me with the threat of exposing me."

He cocked his head. "The Hogwarts parents will let their precious children sit in the presence of a monster?"

_He WAS planning on blackmailing me_, thought Lupin. _Or ruining it for me_. "No one has protested yet."

"It's still early. How many of them know?" Baron smiled.

"Albus Dumbledore has said he will speak for me," Lupin said, hating herself as she said it - more proof that she could only exist by being dependent on others.

"And how much will it take for him to withdraw his support?" Baron

said. "Would you let him risk his position over you?"

Lupin suppressed a wince. _Baron's right_, she thought. _I don't want Albus to stick his neck out for me, he has enough trouble as it is_. "It will not come to that," Lupin said. "I'm not a danger. I've been cured."

"But I AM a danger," Baron said, and his smile turned uglier still. "And the Forbidden Forest is so close. There's no wall between it and the grounds. And students are always wandering in. How terrible if something should happen to them. It just takes one bite, to make a werewolf."

"You wouldn't dare harm any of the students," Lupin said. "You'd have every wizard after you."

"But it would be too late, wouldn't it?" Baron wasn't smiling now. "And the forest is so large and so dangerous. Voldemort himself wouldn't go through it. The werewolves have made it their home for centuries, and the wizards have never been able drive us out. We have survived every attack they've sent against us."

_He's right_, thought Lupin. _Not even Albus could get them, if they chose to retreat deep into the Forbidden Forest_.

Baron looked directly into her eyes. "You teach at Hogwarts, Remus, and a child will die. You have my word on that." A snarl curled on his lips. "Wizard protection is meaningless. You will always be an outcast. The cure means nothing, and it changes nothing, except that you lose even the protection of the pack."

He leaned in close, she could feel his breath on her face as he said, "The pack is the only way." Then he nodded at her, turned, and walked away.

Lupin stood watching until he disappeared into a copse of trees by the lake. She was shaking. _He means it_, she thought. _He will do it. And he's right, he can get away with it. He knows he can't attack me directly, but he can get at me this way_.

She turned to look at Hogwarts again. She had been so happy, just a few minutes ago. Now the sight only made her feel sick, and, for a moment, the thought flashed in her mind, _I will be like this forever, an outsider at the gates, looking in_.

She turned away, closed her eyes and Apparated home.

She told Dumbledore immediately – throwing floo powder into the fireplace as soon as she came in the door, and calling out the words, "Hogwarts, Headmasters Office." Albus listened, his face growing sadder as she spoke. But he did not protest when she said she could not come to Hogwarts in the fall. He simply nodded quietly, and said, "Perhaps another year."

"Perhaps," Lupin said, forcing a smile.

"Remus," Dumbledore said, gently, "you know you must take great care until the situation has been resolved. Baron will certainly approach you again. He knows where you live, and you have said he has at least one wizard under his command."

"Yes," Lupin nodded. "Alex. He is very skilled at Apparating. I've seen him transfer a large group of werewolves from one place to another."

Dumbledore nodded. "Baron has managed to approach you twice now without your knowing. I would prefer that you went into hiding, but I know you must not."

"No," said Lupin. "I've got to be visible, or wizard protection will appear to be meaningless."

Dumbledore looked thoughtful. "Perhaps," he said, carefully, "you might consider moving in with someone?"

"Leave my home?" Lupin said. "I can't do that; this could go on for a long time. Besides, my home should be safe. Alex has never been able to break my wards."

Dumbledore nodded. "You must be careful, then, when you venture out in public."

Lupin sighed. "No more trips to Honeydukes, I guess. It's too close to the Forbidden Forest. I wish I hadn't gone."

"Baron would have simply found you another time. He only needs to maintain a scout at places you go to regularly. And Muggles have methods of long distance communication that are every bit as effective as anything a wizard can do."

She really would have to watch herself wherever she went. "Diagon Alley should be safe," she said. "Baron did approach me there, but it's too crowded, he wouldn't dare try anything." She frowned. "Of course, when I'm in human form, he can't hurt me. A witch can take a werewolf, even a small group of them."

"He might come after you with more than a small group, Remus," Dumbledore said, seriously.

"Yes, he might." She closed her eyes. _Try as I may, I can't keep my problems from involving other people_.

As if reading her mind, Dumbledore said, "Remus, this is not your fault. You are a symbol. This is a war, and you have been forced into the heart of it." He smiled. "But you are not in this alone, and should not be."

_I should feel warm and happy at his words_, Lupin thought, _but I cannot_. She managed a smile. "Thank you, Albus. I know." Then she said good-bye quickly, and pulled her head back out of the fire before he could say anything more. It would only make her feel even worse, and he had other problems to deal with. _Such as finding another Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher, for one_, she thought.

She stood for a long time, staring at the back of the fireplace, until she felt a weight fall from her arm and heard a plop against the hearth. She looked down. There was her Honeydukes bag, a spot of bright color against the grey stone. Just the sight of it made her sick to her stomach, and she walked to the kitchen to throw it away. Baron's hands had been in there; she didn't want any of it now.

The wards! She knew they still held, but she went outside anyway and walked the perimeter of her small yard, then probed the walls of the house, the roof, the foundation. All was secure; no one was getting in without her permission. Still, she didn't feel quite safe until she was back inside, and had closed the door and locked it behind her.

She leaned back against the door. Tea. A cup of tea, that would help. She went into the kitchen, filled the kettle and tapped it with her wand until it was boiling, then poured it into a cup and set the tea leaves steeping.

She carried her cup into the sitting room and sat down on the sofa. She felt completely numb. _Well_, she told herself, _I'm no worse off than I was a week ago, before Albus offered me the position, and I was perfectly happy then. Well, reasonably happy, anyway. I'm still cured, think of that. _But those words didn't have the same power they'd had before.

She drank her tea, taking regular sips, more because it was there than from any enjoyment of it. After she tipped the last of it into her mouth, she found herself staring down at the tea leaves left behind. What would Sybil Trelawney make of it? A great mess was all she could see.

_My future is in my own hands_, she thought, staring down at the cup she held. _It is what I make of it. I have obstacles, but so does everyone. And my greatest has been lifted from me, never forget that, even if it has been at a great price. I don't get everything I want, but no one does. Lots of people don't get to teach at Hogwarts. I was lucky. I was able to teach there for one year. I do have so much more_.

She set the cup down. _What do I have? I have my friends, and I wouldn't trade them for all the teaching positions on this earth. I have Severus, and Albus, and Harry, and Hermione_ . . . She was able to go on for a long time, listing all the people who were dear to her, and if she had lost a good many of them over the years, there were so many more who were still with her.

_I have my home, here_. She curled up in the sofa. _If everything is old and worn, it's still here. I was born in this house, I will surely die here. And if it's not in the same comforting shape it was when my parents were alive, it's still my home_. There wasn't much left in it that wasn't absolutely necessary, or of no value, but those things that were, mostly her books, were things that were unbelievably precious to her. They meant she had starved rather than sell them to buy food over the years. Lose her books, and she wasn't a professor anymore. That meant a lot.

She still felt numb. _I suppose I need a good cry_, she thought. _I'm allowed to cry now. Isn't that one of the advantages of being female, I don't have to bottle things up anymore_. But no tears came. Just a great ache along her entire body.

Flames exploded in the fireplace, and she started. Dumbledore, probably, she thought.

But it was not Dumbledore's face that appeared in the flames, it was Snape's.

"Lupin," he said. "I just got through speaking with Albus."

"Ah, then you know." It would get out soon enough, everyone would know. More pity for poor Remus.

"I'm coming over." It was not a request.

She shrugged. "I'm not very good company right now." But he was already stepping out of the flames and shaking embers off his robes. Work robes, with faint stains that their black color did not entirely hide. He carried a hamper with him.

"You were working," Lupin said. "You didn't need to interrupt what you were doing. This isn't an emergency."

"I'm done, for today," Snape said. "I have nothing that can't wait until tomorrow." He headed into the kitchen.

"There's a kettle of water, if you want to fix yourself some tea," Lupin called after him.

Snape "mmm'd" in acknowledgement. She could hear him moving around the kitchen. He returned quickly, but not with tea; instead, he handed her a bottle of butterbeer. "I'd have brought firewhiskey if I thought you'd drink it."

She took the butterbeer and stared at it.

"I have a self-replenishing supply in the hamper," Snape said. "So there is no need to nurse it."

She smiled at him, but still stared at the bottle, not drinking.

She felt his eyes on her, and she looked up, to see him staring. She could make out concern there, and she tried to smile. "I'm sorry. I don't know why I'm like this today. It's not as if this is the worst thing that's happened."

He looked at her. Then he set his bottle down, and his body seemed to dissolve and flow like water out of the chair to become the shaggy form of Sev-the-Dog, standing on the floor. He jumped onto the sofa next to her, and reached to touch her head with his cold nose.

She turned to look into his black dog's eyes, inches from hers. _It's still him, no matter what his body looks like_. For a moment, she saw the man instead of the dog, with his great nose, his hair, his pale lips. _No_, she thought, _I cannot go there, no matter how much I want to. The dog is better, the dog is safe_. She pressed her face into his hairy neck, and hugged him, and he rested his head on her shoulder. "Very handy, this shape," she murmured.

After a few minutes, he pulled away. He stood up, and took a few steps to the end of the sofa, where he lay down. He looked up at her. For once, she could read his face, and understood what he was asking. She stretched out on the sofa, and laid her head against his warm side. He curled around her, his head pressing against her.

_It's not what I want_, she thought, forcing her mind to stay well away from what she DID want. _But it's nice. Today, it is what I need. I think it's enough._

TBC


	14. Chapter 14

Title: Home's the Farthest Way

Chapter: 14

Author: ReeraTheRed

Date: June 6, 2005

Rating: PG13

Our Story So Far: When a semi-cure for werewolfism goes wrong, Lupin is transformed into a woman, and is forced to choose to stay in that form, or lose the benefits of the cure. In the last chapter, Baron threatens to harm the students at Hogwarts if Lupin teaches there. Lupin is forced to tell Dumbledore that she cannot become the DADA teacher in the fall.

Acknowledgements: Especially BIG thanks to beta readers Patti and Michelle, who helped a lot with this chapter.

Author's Note: I also can't help noticing my stories have a lot of food in them. I'm really not obsessed with eating, but food and drink make good props in a conversation, plus it's all very nurturing. Chocolate, of course, is a staple of life, so I make no apologies for that.

Again, many, many thanks for the reviews – you guys are so much fun!

* * *

Chapter 14

Lupin was reading when she was startled by the sound of bursting flames in the fireplace. Severus? He would be coming by that evening.

But it was Harry's face that appeared in the flames. "Hello, Professor Lupin," he said, a little shyly.

"Hello, Harry," Lupin said, smiling and putting her book aside. She glanced at the clock, which showed nearly noon. "Care to join me for lunch? The House Elves always bring too much food."

Harry grinned. "That'd be great." He stepped out of the fireplace and shook himself off on the hearth.

Lupin went into the kitchen, Harry following. Lupin found, to her surprise, that the kitchen table was laid for two, and contained even more food than normal. "The House Elves are uncanny," she said, as she sat down. "Someone knew you were coming over."

"Dobby still looks after me," said Harry, sitting down opposite. "I think he knows everywhere I go. From anyone else, I'd be bothered by that, but it's different, with him."

Lupin nodded as she passed a plate to Harry. _I should try to think of it that way_, she thought.

Harry helped himself, but did not start eating. He hesitated, and then said, "I was really sorry to hear about Hogwarts. It's not right, that the werewolves can get away with making a threat like that."

"It will die down, in time," Lupin said. _Though Baron will always have a grudge against me_, she thought, _even if he leaves the others alone_.

Harry's eyes flashed. "If he'd made that threat against any of the other teachers, the Wizards would be up in arms. But they won't because you're a werewolf."

"The Wizards would be up in arms if they knew a werewolf had threatened their children," Lupin said. "And I don't think they'd care that only one werewolf made the threat; all the werewolves would suffer. So it's very important that this not get out."

"Even if something happens to you?"

Lupin shook her head. "Baron has already hurt me as much as he can; he can't do anything more, not to me. It's the other werewolves I'm worried about."

Harry frowned. "It's not fair."

"No," Lupin said. "But if we're going to make a list of things that aren't fair, we could be here all day. Starting with a lot of things that have happened to you."

She shrugged and smiled. "Besides, there are a lot of things I can do besides teach at Hogwarts. Moody says he's going to use me as an unofficial consultant for the Aurors, so I can say I'm fairly earning my Ministry pension. Not to mention all this wonderful food."

"So you're doing all right," Harry said, "even with these werewolf threats?"

"Yes," Lupin said. "I'd say I'm doing all right. Better than I have for a very long time, in fact." _Even if it's not as well as I had hoped_, the thought came into her head. She mentally slapped it down.

Harry nodded. He took a bite, and then began to eat in earnest.

"How about you?" Lupin asked.

"Well, I'm still finishing my studies for this term," he said. "We're doing exams now." He shook his head. "I don't know how I'd've made it through without Hermione. As usual."

Lupin smiled, and said, "You and Hermione do make a good team."

Harry smiled, and looked down for a moment. "I'm not sure what I'm going to do for the summer, whether I'll do an Apprenticeship or just relax. Hermione's going to spend the summer with her family, and Ron's working, of course." He looked at Lupin. "You wouldn't be interested in letting me help out with your Dark Arts work, would you? I'd do it just for the experience."

"I'd be delighted," Lupin said. "Not that you need a lot of Dark Arts experience work, I'd say." It was her turn to smile shyly. "I'd be happy just to have you come by, you know. If you're ever at odds for a meal or a place to sleep, let me know. You're always welcome. Just like last summer, at Hogwarts."

Harry grinned. "Be careful about offering, I could be here a lot more often than you'd want me."

"Never," Lupin said. "You should have had your parents, for the summers, you know. I can never be your mother or father, but I would be very pleased if I could, maybe, stand in for them. If you ever need anything." She felt a pang in her heart. _It was Sirius who was named Harry's godfather, not me. But then, they thought I was the spy, back then. And I couldn't even take care of myself, much less a child._

Harry looked directly into her eyes, and smiled, no shyness, and no holding back. "I'd like that." Then his eyes grew mischievous. "Of course, I wonder how Professor Snape would feel, if I was always around."

"I think he's getting more used to you," Lupin said. "You might see more of Shadow than you do of him, of course." She looked at Harry. "How would YOU feel? He's over here a lot; he used to live here, he comes by most evenings."

"He'll mind me more than I mind him," Harry said, "now that I think I've got him figured out. As much as anyone can figure him out, that is."

Lupin had to nod agreement at that.

They ate, and chatted, about the classes Harry was taking, and Harry told her the latest escapades among his fellow students. Eventually, the food was gone, and they were full, and Harry couldn't postpone getting back to his studies any longer. A handful of floo powder, a flash of green, and he was gone.

Lupin returned to the sofa. _See_, she told herself. _Life can still be very pleasant. If I were at Hogwarts, I wouldn't see as much of Harry and Hermione. Or Severus. And even if I'm not teaching classes, tutoring and research will be enjoyable._

She opened her book, and began to read.

x-x-x

Hermione coughed and blinked tears from her eyes – she had never really got used to using floo powder. At first, all she saw were the green flames, but they faded to reveal a dark, bare sitting room. Professor Snape stood in the center, a column of black, scowling at her.

"Professor Snape," she said. "It's very important that I talk to you. Is this a good time?"

Snape's scowl grew deeper, as if to say it was _not_ a good time, and would probably _never_ be a good time. However, he gave a curt nod. "Yes, Miss Granger."

"May I come over? I've got something for you."

He drew up, radiating deep suspicion. Reluctantly, he said, "Very well, Miss Granger. You may enter."

Hermione stepped out of the fireplace into the sitting room of Snape's flat. It was stark, holding only the bare minimum of furniture. Two chairs on either side of the fireplace - well, the other chair would be for Professor Lupin, wouldn't it. A table between them. Shelves filled with books – the only luxury in the room. She had to force her eyes away from the titles; Snape would surely have some real treasures in his library. But otherwise, the room did not feel lived in. She suspected the whole flat would feel that way. He could afford better, this wasn't poverty – even Professor Lupin's place did not have this feeling of emptiness. Was it penance?

"Well, Miss Granger?" said Snape.

Hermione glanced at a chair.

A frown again from Snape – if she sat down, this would not be a quick conversation. However, he gestured at a chair, elegantly, if not graciously. She sat, pulling her bag close to her, and he sat in the chair opposite, and looked at her with cold eyes, expectantly.

"It's about Professor Lupin," she said, watching Snape carefully. Was there any reaction? She could make out nothing. Of course, this man had kept things hidden from Voldemort himself; she couldn't expect to win any battle of expressions with him.

"We all know she's been threatened," Hermione went on, "by the werewolves. I was there the first time she was approached by the leader."

"I am aware of Professor Lupin's situation, Miss Granger," Snape said. "And I know of Baron."

"Yes, she told me you'd faced Baron down, and that she's safe because you're there to protect her during the full moon." Did his face soften, just a little? Was there a little less coldness in his eyes? Hermione went on, "But she's alone the rest of the month, most of the time."

"Professor Lupin has declined any extraordinary protections," Snape said, with some annoyance in his voice.

"I know she'll be careful; she's not stupid, or incapable," Hermione said. "And I know it's important that she be seen to live normally. And I also know how much she hates asking for help."

"And she refuses when it is offered," Snape said. No question, there was definitely annoyance in his voice.

"Well, I've got something here." Hermione reached into her bag and pulled out something small, wrapped in a cloth. "I made one of these a year ago." _Two of them, actually_, she thought, but didn't say. "A tracking spell – it's a mirror. So that Professor Lupin could watch out for you, last summer."

Snape had seemed to be opening up to her, but at the mention of the mirror, she could feel him withdraw into himself. His hair fell forward, covering much of his face in shadow, and the very temperature in the room seemed to drop.

"Anyway," Hermione continued quickly, "I made one that will track her, and allow you to Apparate to wherever she is. I thought you should have it." She held it out.

Snape stared at her hand. His scowl seemed to be gone, but it was hard to tell, his face was still covered in shadows.

"If you don't want it, I'll keep it," Hermione said.

"No," Snape said. He reached out, hesitantly, and took the mirror from her hand with long, pale fingers.

"Brush your hand across it, and it will be keyed to you," Hermione said. "No one else will be able to use it."

Snape ran his fingertips across the surface of the mirror, then stared into it. Something flickered across his face, and he put the mirror down, though still holding it tightly in his hand.

"It is working, Miss Granger," he said, stiffly, as if each word were carefully controlled.

"There's a, um, modesty spell on it," Hermione said. "She'll look blurry if she's in the bath, or anything like that. So you don't need to worry."

Snape was still. "How very thoughtful of you, Miss Granger," he said.

_I can't make out anything in his face,_ she thought, _but he wouldn't be making it so blank if he had nothing to hide, would he?_

"Professor Lupin said she – well, HE, back then – could sense your presence through mirror, even when he wasn't looking into it," Hermione said. "Even when it was deep in his pocket, he said he knew if you were close by, and that you were safe. I think it's because he cared so much about you."

Snape's eyes flicked up to stare into hers.

"I expect it will work the same way for you. Because I know you care about her."

Snape did not answer, but he continued to stare at Hermione. Did his hand tighten around the mirror? _He CAN feel her_, she thought.

"Professor Lupin cares very deeply about you, you know," Hermione said.

Snape still looked at her. "Professor Lupin is my friend, Miss Granger."

"Yes," Hermione said. "But she's a woman now."

Snape cocked his head.

"She cares even more deeply now," Hermione said. "More than friends."

Snape blinked, but otherwise did not move. "It has been barely a month. I hardly think she has had time to develop any special feelings, for anyone."

"For someone who has been such a dear friend to her?" Hermione said. "It can take much less than a month." _It took less than that for you, didn't it_, Hermione thought. _It took barely a few days. Maybe it was even the moment she changed. I saw how you looked at her, that night_.

Snape stared. "Professor Lupin has made it very plain that she thinks of me as a friend, but no more."

"She's certain you'll be repulsed if you know how she really feels," said Hermione. "So she's trying very hard to keep it from you. She's terrified of losing your friendship."

"No," Snape said, softly.

"She would be content with just your friendship," said Hermione, "if that's all you want. She said that it was enough." Hermione gave a little shrug. "I suppose it's in your hands now."

Another long pause, before he said, gently, "Yes, Miss Granger."

Snape looked again into the mirror, for just a moment, then he placed it carefully within the folds of his robes.

"Thank you, Miss Granger," he said. It wasn't warm and friendly, but it wasn't the cold, icy voice he'd been using before, either. And he was still very uncomfortable with her there, no question; there was definitely a "please leave now" feel in the room.

Hermione sat up straight. "Well, I've said my piece. I'll be going now." She pulled her bag into her lap, and then stopped, and looked at him. "We're a lot alike, you know." _Where did that come from?_

Snape did not move.

"Harry and Ron, when we first met, on the train to Hogwarts, they couldn't stand me," she said. "Who knows how much worse it would have been if I were a boy. And Sorted into another House." She shrugged. "It was only an accident that we became friends at all. That time with the troll in the bathroom. Just that one little chance." She suddenly felt impossibly sad, and for a split second, wondered if maybe things would have been easier if they hadn't become friends.

Snape said, "And is it enough, Miss Granger? Friendship?"

She gave a brave smile, then clutched her bag, and stood up.

"I'll be going," she said.

"Potter's a fool, Miss Granger," Snape said quietly.

"Yes," she said. "Yes, he is." She threw a handful of floo powder into the fireplace, spoke her home address, and disappeared into the flames.

Snape sat in his chair. The flat felt even more stark and empty than normal.

He pulled out the mirror, holding it in the palm of his hand. There was Remus, curled up on the sofa in her sitting room. A book was in her lap, but she'd fallen asleep. Her head lay against the cushions and her eyes were closed. Her hair fell across her face, light brown shot with silver. He tried to remember the man Remus had been before, and found he could not recall it. This was Remus now. Still Remus, always Remus. But SHE, now.

He touched the surface of the mirror with his fingertips. It was as Hermione had said; he could feel her presence through the mirror.

He stared at her for a long time, before he placed the mirror back in his pocket. Even then, he could still sense her, through the folds of cloth.

He stood up, and walked to the spare room he had set up as make-shift Potions workroom. He stopped in the doorway, hesitating. He started to walk away, then stopped, turned, and went into the room.

Quickly and efficiently, he assembled ingredients and equipment, measuring and preparing. This was an old spell, invoked by countless schoolchildren throughout the ages, and the ingredients were common. Except for the last, which was, of course, unique. He opened a drawer and pulled out the envelope he'd placed there, when he'd told himself he would not do this spell, but could not bring himself to throw the envelope away.

He lit a flame beneath a cauldron, and began - pouring, measuring, adding each ingredient at precisely the right time, waving a hand this many times in exactly the right fashion, saying the old words in the right cadences, until the mixture boiled and frothed, and colored vapors rose in thin streams, pooling in a cloud on the ceiling.

At the last moment, he opened the envelope, and pulled out three long hairs. Two were light brown, the third was silver. He stared at them for a moment as they lay across his hand. Then he carefully fed them into the cauldron. The mixture began to bubble violently, and he said the last phrase of the incantation. Surprisingly simple words. But it was an old spell, and though the words were simple, they were ancient. Except for her name, of course. _Who does Remus love?_

The colored vapors rising from the surface began to spin together, coalescing into the form of a human figure less than a foot high. Details emerged, clothing, hair and face, until Snape was staring at a replica of himself.

But as he'd never seen himself. The figure was him, no question, there was his pale face and great, hooked nose, his black hair, and dark robes. But there was more there. What was it? It wasn't the ugly face he saw when he looked at himself. Not ugly at all.

He knew, if someone were to take a photograph of this, they would see only a little doll image of himself, floating before him. It was the spell that showed the rest of it, resonating in him. Himself, magnified. All his flaws, but all his virtues as well, through her eyes, and her heart. Fear, but, even stronger, there was courage. Gaping wounds of the spirit, and tremendous strength. Anger, shame, and self-hatred, but also a hero's endurance and sacrifice. Forever striving for the light, even if never reaching it.

_It is how she sees me. And it is beautiful._

He realized he wasn't breathing.

He sank slowly until his knees hit the floor, his hands clutching the edge of the table, his eyes level with the little form floating above the cauldron. Almost absently, he reached with a hand to his own head, pulled out three hairs, and fed them into the cauldron. He said the words. _Who do I love?_

Her image appeared beside his, forming from the rising vapors. Her sweet face, so young, and yet lined, framed by light brown and silver hair. As with his image, he could see more than her mere physical form. The lines of scars everywhere, on her body, on her spirit. Guilt. Shame. Sorrow and loneliness. But shining through came her strength, her wisdom, her warm heart, and her gentle laughter.

The little figure's eyes seemed to light on him, and take joy in the sight of him. In her eyes, he was good, he had worth.

He knelt, absolutely still, staring at the two figures, until the fire under the cauldron had cooled, the vapors thinned, and the images faded away, leaving only a few wisps of rising smoke.

He rose stiffly, and sat down on the one old chair in the room. He pulled out the little mirror.

There she was, still sleeping. He watched her for a long time, until she stirred and raised her head. Then he put the mirror back in his robes. It was not right, to watch without her knowledge. He would see her that evening; they'd already made arrangements. He would show her the mirror then.

Tonight then. It was only a few hours away. Until then, he could feel her, in the mirror.

TBC


	15. Chapter 15

Title: Home's the Farthest Way

Chapter: 15

Author: ReeraTheRed

Date: June 9, 2005

Rating: PG13

Our Story So Far: When a semi-cure for werewolfism goes wrong, Lupin is transformed into a woman, and is forced to choose to stay in that form, or lose the benefits of the cure. In the last chapter, Hermione has a talk with Snape, and tells him about Lupin's feelings for him.

Acknowledgements: Thanks to beta readers Patti, Michelle and Liz!

Author's Note: Very short chapter – this was originally was going to put this at the end of the last chapter, but, at the suggestion of beta Michelle, I've put it into it's own, separate short chapter, because it's very different from the previous scene.

Thanks so much for all the reviews!

* * *

Chapter 15

Lupin had fallen asleep over her book when she was awakened by the sound of flames in the fireplace. Who was it now? Harry again? Or Severus, this time? She sat up on the sofa, and stretched.

She caught her breath in surprise when she saw the face of a thin, middle-aged man, with sad eyes and greying hair. It was Alex – wizard, werewolf, and lackey of Baron, of the Forbidden Forest pack.

"Remus," Alex said, his voice barely louder than a whisper. "I need your help."

"Go on," said Lupin as she felt in her robes for her wand. She'd always been the stronger of the two in the past, but she wasn't going to let her guard down.

"I want to leave the pack," Alex said. "I want the cure. But Baron will kill me if he finds out."

Lupin nodded, trying not to show how excited she felt. It would be a devastating blow to Baron if he lost Alex.

"There's things I can tell you," Alex said. "But I can't do it where I am, I could get caught. Can I meet you? I can get away now, for a little while. He won't miss me."

Lupin glanced at the clock. Severus wasn't due for several hours. "Let me get someone else, from the Ministry, to come with me."

"No," Alex said quickly. "Only you. I'm not talking to the Ministry yet, not without a deal up front. I'm a criminal, in their eyes."

"All right," said Lupin. "I can meet you now."

"In Hogsmeade, at The Hogs Head, then?"

"No," Lupin said. "Too close to the Forbidden Forest, and too out of the way.

"How about The Leaky Cauldron, then?" said Alex.

Lupin considered. That should be safe, it was the heart of Wizard territory, after all. "All right."

"See you there in fifteen minutes?" Alex said.

Lupin nodded. "I'll be there."

"Right." His face vanished.

Lupin went quickly into the kitchen, to a slate on the wall that Dumbledore had given her, where she was to post her movements. She said out loud, "I'm going to The Leaky Cauldron to meet Alex, Baron's wizard, to talk to him about leaving the pack and getting the cure." The words appeared on the slate, along with the time and date. Then she put on her hat and cloak, went out the front door, checked the locks, checked her wards, and, keeping a careful grip on her wand, Apparated to Diagon Alley.

It was late afternoon, and there were lots of people in the street. It was quieter when she went inside The Leaky Cauldron, though – too late for the lunch crowd, still a bit too early for the beer drinking crowd. But there were a few people, sipping coffee, reading the _Prophet_.

She saw Alex over in a corner. He waved, and smiled weakly. She went over; he stood up before she could sit down.

"Could we go into a hallway?" he asked. "Baron could come in here from the street and see us. I'm not the only wizard he has to Apparate him around." He nodded toward the doorway.

"All right," Lupin said. "But if you want to leave now, I can contact the Ministry right away."

"I don't know," Alex said. He looked as if he were going to cry. "It's not just me who wants to leave. There are others. We're going to have to make arrangements." He almost ran for the hallway.

Lupin followed. The corridor was empty. She didn't like that and she held tightly to her wand. Alex didn't stop until he was well up the passage, almost to the end of it, and even then, he looked frightened. "He'll kill me, you know that," he said.

"Only if he finds out," Lupin said. "You said there were others?"

Alex nodded, and opened his mouth, but nothing came out.

She saw it in his eyes, and started to turn when she felt something snap around her neck. A wave of dizziness swept over her. _Apparate now, ask questions later_, she thought, and she closed her eyes, and concentrated.

And nothing happened.

She tried again. And again, nothing happened.

Panicked, she opened her eyes, and there was Baron smiling at her. She drew her wand instantly.

"Hello, Remus," he said. "Like the collar? It stops your magic from working."

She clutched at her neck, feeling a leather band there, but, of course, it held fast. She pointed her wand, but not even so much as a spark came from it.

Baron grabbed Lupin by the neck, holding onto the collar, then pulled her wand from her hand. He nodded at Alex.

Lupin stared at Alex, who turned away, ashamed. "He would have killed me, Remus," he said.

He waved his wand at them, and, with a bang, the three of them Apparated away from The Leaky Cauldron.

TBC

* * *

Author's Note: Like you all didn't know this was going to happen . . . 


	16. Chapter 16

Title: Home's the Farthest Way

Chapter: 16

Author: ReeraTheRed

Date: June 13, 2005

Rating: PG13

Our Story So Far: When a semi-cure for werewolfism goes wrong, Lupin is transformed into a woman, and is forced to choose to stay in that form, or lose the benefits of the cure. In the last chapter, Lupin is captured by Baron.

Acknowledgements: Thanks to beta readers Patti, Michelle and Liz.

Author's Note: My take on werewolves is that the ones who are werewolves a whole lot can change to wolf form easily – particularly ones that have been with a pack and don't go crazy. Lupin had very painful transformations because he fought the change very hard, and because he was becoming insane as he changed. After being on the Wolfsbane Potion, and now the cure, Lupin can change easily with no pain. Baron changes easily because he loves being in wolf form.

And I'm sorry, but fight scenes (you do expect a fight scene, don't you?) are not my strong point, so please forgive any shortcomings. Constructive criticism is very welcome!

Thanks so much for the reviews, guys. I so appreciate them!

* * *

Chapter 16

Lupin felt a chill of terror run through her as the darkness of Apparating engulfed them. Along with frustration – how could this have happened? She had been captured by two werewolves who she should have been able to handle easily, and now here she was, helpless.

The collar! How did they get something like that? A memory flashed in her mind – the magic dampening amulets at Zonko's Joke Shop. Get enough of them, override the protection and misuse spells somehow, sew them into a tough leather collar . . . Why didn't anyone think of that when they sold the things!

She knew where Baron was taking her - deep inside the Forbidden Forest. _I should have taken backup_, she thought, _no matter what Alex wanted. Or at least contacted someone directly_. But she had been so certain she could handle him. She was a witch; with her magic, she could take on Baron himself, if need be. _And I am too unwilling to ask for help_, the thought came into her head. _Too reluctant to involve anyone else in my own problems_.

She had written where she was going on the slate. Would someone see it, in time? But they'd be looking for her at The Leaky Cauldron, in London, hundreds of miles away. Even if they guessed what had happened, and where Baron was taking her, the Forest was huge. No one would be able to find her. She was on her own.

_I will have to watch for a chance to escape_, she thought_. Get this collar off somehow, get my wand back_. Or better yet, once the collar was off, she could Apparate away in an instant.

The smell hit her nose before they fully materialized – over the cool, wet scents of trees and rotting leaves was something musky, animal - human but not quite. Werewolves, lots of them. The pack.

As her sight came back, she saw them, all around her, huddled around the edge of a large clearing in the trees. Some were in wolf form, more were human. All were naked – their clothes would be stashed somewhere nearby, but they would not wear them here. Clothes were for humans, and werewolves were not human. At least, not according to Baron.

Lupin looked at their faces. Many she knew, many more were strangers – it been at least fifteen years since she ran with the pack. Some were annoyed, some she could not read, but most looked frightened, or hopeless. _Baron has called them all here, to see me_, Lupin thought. It was not full moon for several more days, most would not be with the pack now. And it was still only mid-afternoon; they would be home, or at their jobs._ Baron's going to give them a show_. Cold fear ran through her.

Standing here and there, throughout the crowd, but apart, were many large males, wolf and human. Clearly Baron's henchmen. Alex almost ran from Baron's side to join them in the crowd, but he looked more like one of the guarded than a guard. They stood out, not just because they were so much larger than most of the others, but they were not frightened. Their faces echoed Baron's smug arrogance and cruelty. One of them smiled as he saw Lupin, showing fangs. Alex refused to meet her eyes, but looked down, still ashamed.

Baron stripped off his clothes and threw them aside. He let go of Lupin while he did so, and for one, mad moment, she thought, _I can run, now_. But one glance around the clearing showed guards everywhere. _And I cannot outrun Baron_, she thought. _They would just hunt me down_. She might still try to run, if that was all that was left to her, but not now, when they were all watching her. Perhaps she would have a chance later, if Baron's attention were turned away from her. She felt along the collar, but she couldn't find a catch in it anywhere – the leather was seamless. There had to be something, some way to get it off.

Baron stood tall before the crowd, naked, easy in his skin as he always was. "I have brought the traitor!" he shouted, and he grabbed hold of Lupin by her throat, lifting her up so that she had to stand on her toes to avoid being strangled. "The Wizards could not stop me, with all their magic!" Baron shook Lupin once, hard. "They could not protect her!" Another hard shake, her head felt as if it would snap off. Baron looked fiercely at the werewolves around him. "They will not protect you!"

Baron threw Lupin down; she fell hard on the ground. He held up Lupin's wand, high over his head. Lupin found her arms reaching toward it, instinctively. Baron took hold of her wand in both hands, and snapped it into pieces, throwing the bits down to the ground. "Without their wands, the Wizards are helpless!" he shouted. "Without their magic, they are nothing compared to us! And you think to turn to them!"

Lupin looked helplessly at the pieces of her wand scattered on the ground. She wanted to scramble for them, gather them into her hands, but she knew it would do no good. The wand was damaged beyond repair, the wood in splinters, the unicorn hair shredded.

Baron looked down at Lupin where she sat on the ground, and he smiled. The light in his eyes sent a shiver down her spine, and she drew back. He laughed, and gripped her by the collar, hauling her up, and dragging her across the clearing toward a rise at one end. Lupin could make out the tall forms of several of Baron's guards at the top. And something else at their feet.

Baron dragged Lupin up the rise, to the top, and threw her down. She caught herself with her hands, and found herself staring into the face of Delores Umbridge, sitting on the rise before her. The squat woman's eyes were wide with terror, her mouth hung slack, and around her neck was a wide leather collar that must be the same as the one circling Lupin's neck, preventing her from using her magic. Umbridge was shaking and making frightened whimpering noises; she didn't even seem to notice Lupin. There were scratches on her face, and her robes were dirty and torn. _How long has she been here_, Lupin wondered, _and what have they done to her?_ Lupin knew Umbridge had been taken once before into the Forbidden Forest, by the centaurs. She must be in shock now.

Baron stood in front of them, a mass of muscle, towering over them and the crowd below. "I have captured them both!" he shouted now. "The first traitor to accept the cure, and the Ministry of Magic official in charge of the program!"

_What do I do now,_ Lupin thought. _There must be something_. But her magic was gone. Her wand had been destroyed. Once again, she clutched desperately at the collar, even though she knew it was hopeless. It had been closed by magic, and only magic would open it.

"I will not let the werewolves be destroyed by the Wizards!" Baron shouted now. "They will make us weak! They want to tame us! Because they fear us! I will not let that happen!"

He looked again at Umbridge and Lupin, and now his eyes had a look of such coldness. Such complete hatred. Then he turned back to his audience, and he said, his voice lower, deeper, yet just as powerful, "I will show you all what I will do to any among you who seek to betray us to the Ministry! And to any Wizard who approaches us!"

_He plans to kill us_, Lupin thought, _and there's nothing I can do about it. He's right, without our magic, we wizards are helpless_.

One man in the crowd stood up. "There's no need for this, Baron." Several others stood up with him, wolf and human. A woman's voice cried out, "Baron, we understand, we will not go against you. Let them go." Many others now stood, many other voices spoke now, in agreement. A pretty young woman took a few hesitant steps into the clearing toward the rise and said, with pleading eyes, "Baron, please."

An angry scowl flashed onto Baron's face, and he jerked his head. His lackeys dove into the crowd with flailing arms and flashing fangs, going for everyone, not just the ones who had spoken. Lupin heard screams of pain and fear, and the thuds and smacks of blows hitting home. The crowd rippled like a raging river, splashes of red flying.

Baron watched all from his place above them, eyes cold. Lupin watched as well, frozen in horror. There had been beatings before, in the pack, but nothing like this. Not the whole group at once. Even though they were fewer in number, Baron's guards were so much stronger; the others could not stand against them. _And Baron is reminding them of that_, Lupin thought. _Not even all of them together can stand against him_.

It couldn't have lasted more than a minute or two, but it seemed so much longer, until Baron gave a short bark and his guards returned to their places. The crowd went still, except for the faint sounds of whimpering here and there, or a quiet sob. Werewolves were used to physical punishment. They could endure a great deal, and still survive. But there would be no more protests.

Baron smiled, and he stepped forward. All eyes below were on him, the cruel eyes of his lackeys, and the frightened, hopeless faces of the other werewolves.

"And now," Baron said, "we show the Wizards what we think of their offers."

Baron turned back to Lupin and Umbridge, his smile spreading to show his white teeth. His body melted, and grew into an enormous grey wolf near as big as a small horse. He looked at Lupin with raw hatred, then turned his head to Umbridge, and his white-toothed smile grew even wider. _He wants me to watch_, Lupin thought, in horror.

Umbridge began to shake violently, and her whimpers grew louder, like tiny screams. Her eyes went wide, and she tried to scramble back on the ground, only to be caught by a guard behind her and shoved back. Baron's muscles gathered as he prepared to lunge forward, his mouth opening wide to show long fangs aimed straight for the woman's throat.

In that moment, Lupin realized she still had one power left to her. Her magic was gone, thinking like a Wizard would not help her now. But she was still a werewolf, and no magic collar on earth could stop that.

She changed. Her body exploded outward, bursting through her robes – _there goes another set of clothing_, an insane little part of her brain thought. The collar still held, though, Dammit! She'd hoped she could destroy that as well, but she could feel it, tight on her neck. But she had teeth and claws, and she shot forward to clamp her wolf's jaws on Baron's throat even as he sank his teeth into Umbridge's shoulder.

The force of Lupin's attack knocked Baron aside, and his fangs ripped across Umbridge's arm until they pulled free. Umbridge screamed, flailing out with arms and legs, one arm striking Lupin in the face. Baron lost his footing and tumbled down the rise. Lupin rolled with him, keeping her tight grip, feeling her teeth sink deeper into his neck, her mouth full of hair and meat and his hot blood, while he rolled onto her, then off again as he hit the bottom of the rise.

Baron screamed, and threw his neck wildly back and forth, trying to shake Lupin free, but she hung on, even as he banged her body against the hard ground, and raked at her with his claws. She felt a searing pain along her shoulder, and another along her flank as his claws dug into her, but still she held on. Was his windpipe in reach? She couldn't tell, and she couldn't see.

Baron fell on her, pinning her to the ground, and only then was able to rip himself free of her jaws. He howled again, from the pain, and lifted his weight for just a moment, but it was enough for Lupin to pull herself out from under him and drag herself a few feet away.

She tried grabbing at the leather collar once more – she couldn't reach it with her jaws, so she tried with her claws, but they didn't even scratch the leather. It was impervious, even to a werewolf. It must have protection spells on it. She was not going to be Apparating out of here.

What was left to her? Fight? She was badly hurt. Baron had wounded her deeply in her shoulder and flank; the pain was agonizing, and those legs were very weak. _It's no worse than anything I would do to myself, during the full moon before I was on the Wolfsbane Potion_, she tried to tell herself. But she didn't have the madness to dull the pain; it was overpowering, and, worse, she could feel her strength ebbing away.

Baron had recovered himself, though a great trail of dark blood ran down his neck, matting his hair. He lowered his head, his lips pulled back in a snarl. Even as a male, and unwounded, Lupin had never been a match for him, not as a wolf. She had no chance at all in this smaller body. Baron would not accept a surrender; only her death would satisfy him. He had to use her as an example to the others, and show them what would happen to them if they defied him. _And it will work_, she thought, looking at the faces around her, their bodies still shaking in pain and fear. _None of them want this, but they'll all be too afraid to go against him. Baron will win_.

Baron leapt forward. She tried to dodge him, but she was too slow, her legs would not work right. Baron opened his great jaws and clamped them down on her shoulder, digging into the wound he'd already made, lifting her up over his head, and shaking her violently. Lupin screamed in pain now, feeling his teeth closing into her like burning flames, until he tossed her to the ground beneath his feet.

She hit the ground hard on her wounded shoulder. She tried to get to her feet, but nothing was working, and she fell back on her side, belly exposed. She looked up, helplessly, into Baron's face as he turned his glowing eyes on her, even as his blood was running down his side. She had hurt him, enough so that he would not play with her anymore, he didn't have the strength. He would end it now.

Baron's lips pulled back, showing his fangs yet again, and she could feel his eyes on her throat. She tried to gather her strength, if she dodged quickly, at the last minute, he might miss her. But Baron was a skilled executioner, she'd seen him on enough forest hunts, there was little chance she'd succeed.

She looked into his eyes, and saw only his hatred for her there. She had shamed him, made him small in the eyes of the pack, and now he would exercise the ultimate power over her. She was held by his eyes, watching them, any movement in them, hoping to see the direction of his strike, but knowing in her heart that it was hopeless, and that she would die here, in the next few moments.

There was a soft banging sound in the air nearby and Lupin could sense a shiver running through the crowd of werewolves around them, and heard them gasp and murmur.

Baron started, and looked up. Lupin turned her head weakly, and saw the tall, black form of Snape standing a few yards away. Her heart skipped a beat. There he was, his pale face and hands floating over his black robes. She had never seen anything more beautiful in her life. She wanted to sing out his name, but instead, only a weak whimper came from her wolf's throat.

Snape looked at Lupin as she lay on the ground, Baron standing over her, and Snape's eyes became as hard and cold as obsidian. He lifted his wand, and a flash of lightening came from it, striking Baron full in the chest, close enough to Lupin's head that she could feel the charge in the air. Baron went rolling over across the clearing.

Snape looked at her, as if trying to say something, but she had lost too much blood and was too stupid to understand – as if she ever could read anything in his face.

Snape took a step toward her, but Baron was on his feet again, racing across the clearing, his eyes locked on Snape's throat. He gathered his legs to spring, but Snape raised his wand in a flash, black robes flying up around him like wings, and another bolt of lightening struck Baron, sending him flying across the clearing. Werewolves scattered to get out of his way, and he crashed against a great tree hard enough to send branches flying and a shower of leaves fluttering to the ground.

But Baron was no ordinary werewolf. He rose to his feet, shaking and unsteady, and managed to bark a command. Instantly, his followers came forward from all around the clearing, even Alex. Those that were in human form changed into wolves as they came, dropping down to all four legs, each advancing on Snape – slowly, though; none of them wanted to be the first one struck by his wand.

Snape turned around in a swirl of black robes, looking at them all. _There are too many of them_, Lupin thought. _He can't take them all on by himself. He will have to Apparate away_.

But Snape wasn't Apparating. _He can't mean to fight them_, thought Lupin. She looked at his face – she knew that angry expression all too well. She'd seen it often enough, so many times, right before Snape would do something stupid and get himself hurt. _Severus, this isn't a schoolboy fight_, she thought. _These are killers!_ She saw Baron, still standing, though shaky, unable to move. But he was smiling, his eyes still bright, and he leaned forward, eager to see Snape overpowered by the advancing werewolves.

Bang! Bang! Bang! The sounds came like firecrackers, and Lupin saw human forms pop into existence all around the clearing. There was Moody's mane of grizzled hair, and Kingsley just beyond him. Tonks appeared right in the middle of the advancing werewolves, but caught herself instantly and vanished, only to reappear near the others. Then Harry, Hermione and Ron, all together. Lupin felt relief wash over her. Snape had not come alone – he must have summoned help before coming on ahead, to stall until they could all get here.

The wizards pulled together to form a tight circle facing the werewolves. Each raised a wand high, ready to strike.

The wolves halted. It was one thing to advance on one wizard from all sides, quite another to take on a group of them. One wolf took a step back, head down, tail curling between his legs. Another followed suit, and the others looked ready to join them.

Baron barked loudly. He'd had time to recover, and he walked forward to join his wolves, though he was limping, Lupin noted. His wolves drew together around him, as if drawing strength from his presence.

Baron smiled, lowered his head, and growled, flashing his fangs. His little army beside him hesitated only for a moment, then did the same, even little Alex. The wizards were surrounded by a ring of white fangs and flashing, yellow eyes. Baron looked directly at Snape, marking him for his target. The ring of wizards held their wands higher, and Lupin could see sparks start to fly off the tips. Baron's haunches crouched, readying himself to spring, and his followers did the same.

Then Baron turned tail and dashed off into the forest.

His followers started in surprise. They looked at the hole were Baron had stood, then at the wizards with their raised wands, then at each other. Then they, too, ran as fast as they could after Baron, and disappeared into the forest, Alex the last to follow.

"After them!" Moody shouted, and he, Kingsley and Tonks began to run, vanishing quickly into the trees and undergrowth.

There was almost a collective sigh of relief from everyone in the clearing. The excitement that had filled Lupin drained from her, leaving her weak, and her head fell against the ground.

"Remus." It was Snape's voice, close to her ear – when did he get over here? She opened her eyes and could dimly see black in front of her – his robes. He must be kneeling beside her. She twisted her head, and saw his face hovering over hers. He looked even paler than usual, and his hair was all greasy again, she hadn't seen it looking that bad in a long time.

She felt cool hands lifting her great wolf's head and pulling it into his lap. She wanted to lick his fingertips as they dug into her fur and ran along her muzzle.

Then the hands pulled away and Snape unfastened his cloak. She saw it whip out above her, blocking out the sky, and then felt it fall across her body, warm and soft. "Remus," Snape said yet again, "it's over. You can change back now. I've got to get you to a hospital, and St. Mungo's won't take you if you're in wolf form."

She closed her eyes, and changed, her wolf body collapsing back into her human shape. She heard Snape suck in his breath quickly. _He must see my wounds_, she thought. _They always look worse when I'm human_. Gaping wounds on bare skin, and bright red blood, no hair to absorb it. The pain was worse now; it always hurt more when she was human. But at least she could talk now. She pulled Snape's cloak more tightly around her. _I'm getting blood all over it_, she thought.

"Collar," she croaked. "Magic, can't get it off . . ."

Snape touched the collar with his wand, and it sprang open. He gently pulled it away. Lupin could feel her power coming back. It was weak, but she felt a little better. She gathered her strength and managed to pulled herself up, with Snape's assistance, until she was sitting. She wavered, and Snape held her against his shoulder.

It was only then that she noticed the mirror clutched in his hand. _He has a mirror_, she thought. _Hermione gave him a mirror?_

And that made her remember. "They broke my wand," she said, feeling tears come into her eyes. "Severus, they broke my wand."

"It doesn't matter," Snape said, softly. "We'll take care of it." His voice was soothing, and he turned her face closer into his shoulder. She felt herself grow calmer. _His voice is so beautiful_.

She was able to look around now. The other werewolves were standing up, returning to human form, licking the wounds they'd suffered from Baron's men, putting on their clothes. They did not look triumphant, there was no cheering, instead they looked stunned. But not unhappy. More than one face turned to hers and smiled, as if to say, _thank you_.

_We've won_, she thought. _Baron has been defeated. The werewolves know the Wizards can protect them_.

_But Baron is still free. No_, she thought, _Moody and the others will catch him; they're too close on his trail. But Baron has Alex_, she thought again. _Alex can Apparate_. Poor, stupid Alex, he could have left Baron easily, and Baron would never be able to catch him.

"We're going to have to get a lot of people to the hospital," Hermione's voice called out. Lupin saw Hermione kneeling next to the pretty young woman who had been one of the ones to speak to Baron. There was a deep, red gash across her side, and she looked very pale.

"And Umbridge definitely needs St. Mungo's," Ron's voice sounded from the rise. "She's hurt, and she's completely out of it." Ron was standing by Umbridge where she sat, rocking back and forth, clutching her wounded shoulder. Ron waved his hand in front of her eyes, but she did not move. Ron shrugged.

_I'd completely forgotten about her_, Lupin thought. _She'll be a werewolf now_. The thought gave Lupin no satisfaction.

"Professor Lupin." This time it was Harry's voice, he was standing close by.

Lupin tried to smile at him.

Harry turned to Snape. "We can take care of the rest of the pack, sir," Harry said. "You can get Lupin to St. Mungo's, and let them know we'll be coming, with a lot more people."

"The Ministry," Lupin stammered out. "Protection, for the werewolves. Until Baron is caught." She started to feel dizzy.

"I'll get Ron to contact his Dad," Harry said. "Don't worry, Professor, we'll take care of them."

"Can you stand, Lupin?" Snape asked in his soft voice.

Lupin leaned against Snape, and gathered her legs under her, but they collapsed when she tried to stand. Snape caught her as she fell, and gathered her up in his arms. Lupin felt even more light-headed as she felt herself being lifted.

"We'll see you at St. Mungo's, Professor," Harry said to Snape.

Snape nodded. Then, with Lupin in his arms, he Apparated away from the clearing.

TBC


	17. Chapter 17

Title: Home's the Farthest Way

Chapter: 17

Author: ReeraTheRed

Date: June 21, 2005

Rating: PG13

Our story so far: In the last chapter, Lupin is captured by Baron and taken to the werewolf pack; Snape and company show up just in time to rescue her.

Acknowledgements: Thanks to beta readers Patti, Michelle and Liz.

And, again, thanks so much for all the reviews!

* * *

Chapter 17

Lupin felt the black nothingness of Apparating. She was aware only of Snape's arms lifting her, her head against his chest. She could hear the beating of his heart, feel it against her cheek.

Then they were surrounded by the incongruous sounds of Muggle city streets – car motors, people, voices walking around them as if they weren't there. Snape said brusquely to the mannequin in the window display, "Emergency, werewolf attack." Lupin couldn't see, but the mannequin must have given permission, because Snape carried her through the glass window, and into the crowded reception area of St. Mungo's.

The noisy room went silent, and every face turned to stare at them – patients and Healers alike. _And we must be quite a sight_, thought Lupin; the tall, severe, black-robed schoolmaster, carrying a bleeding woman wearing nothing but a cloak wrapped around her.

Fortunately, the silence only lasted an instant, and several Healers rushed over, all speaking at once – What happened? How long ago? What are the injuries? One of them said, "Professor Lupin!" out loud. So at least one of them recognized her. Snape answered calmly and briefly, holding Lupin close against his chest.

One of the Healers conjured a stretcher with her wand, and Snape laid Lupin down upon it so carefully, sliding his hand under her head as he let her weight rest against the stretcher. Lupin looked up at his even paler than usual face, and managed to smile at him.

"We'll take her from here," a Healer said. "We should have her up in the werewolf ward in an hour or so. You can see her then."

Snape frowned. Lupin managed to smile at him, and said, "I'll be all right. And someone needs to arrange things here for the rest of the werewolves when they arrive."

Snape looked at her and nodded. Lupin thought she saw something more in his eyes, but couldn't make it out. He stood absolutely still as the stretcher moved away, until he passed out of her sight.

She never lost consciousness while they worked on her, though that may not have been intentional – it was very hard to knock out a werewolf or she'd have spent all her pre-Wolfsbane transformations mercifully unconscious. But they were successful at numbing the pain as they cleaned her wounds and joined them together with waving wands. She heard several comments about her werewolf healing abilities already at work, particularly with the full moon coming up in a few days.

It seemed no time at all before they floated her out of the emergency room. An orderly took her on a stretcher up to the werewolf ward, and helped her, first into a hospital gown, and then into a bed. _I'm back in the hospital_, she thought ruefully, as she adjusted the bed and settled herself back in the pillows.

This time, at least, she wasn't the only occupant. Her wounds must have taken longer to treat, because there were many others there already, faces she recognized from the Forbidden Forest. More were brought in, one by one, floating on stretchers, and helped by orderlies into the beds lining the walls.

To Lupin's surprise, one of them was Umbridge, her shoulder covered by a bandage. _But of course_, Lupin thought, _where else would they take her, but to the werewolf ward?_ Umbridge wore only a hospital gown. She was so short that it dragged on the floor. Without her robes, and with her hair in a frazzled mess, all her authority was gone. She was merely a sad, fat little woman. She looked more aware now, but only just.

A Healer was with her, talking to her about the severity of the wound. Lupin caught the words, "We're making arrangements for a special dose of the cure to be prepared for all the werewolves here now, so you won't have to face a full moon as a normal werewolf . . ."

Umbridge turned her face to the Healer, not comprehending. "Not face the full moon . . .?"

"Yes," the Healer said, trying to make his face as sympathetic and kind as possible. "You've been bitten by a werewolf, and this is the closest thing to a cure we have."

Umbridge's face went slack and her entire body froze. Then her eyes grew very wide, a look of horror exploded on her face, and she began to scream. Over and over, animal shrieks burst from her gaping mouth.

The Healer shook his head sadly and waved his wand. Several orderlies immediately came over and caught Umbridge as she collapsed, unconscious, into their arms. They levitated her over to a bed on the far side of the room and pulled sheets over her.

Lupin tried to raise some kind of feeling for the woman, but she felt nothing, not triumph, not pity, not vindictiveness. _Just keep her out of my life_, Lupin thought.

More and more werewolves were placed in beds around the room. Many of them smiled at Lupin as they saw her. The ones she knew from the old days called her name, and she answered, though they were all too weak and exhausted to speak further.

The last of them to come in was the pretty young woman who had been one of the ones who had tried to stop Baron. Her wounds must have been more severe than the others, and she must have been with the Healers longer. She was placed in the bed across from Lupin. She was alert, though, and she smiled at Lupin. _We can take so much damage_, Lupin thought.

"Thank you," Lupin said to her, "I saw what you tried to do, and I'm grateful."

The young woman shook her head. "No, we're all grateful to you. We're really free of Baron now."

"Be grateful to my friends. I didn't do much," Lupin said.

"But you stood up to him," the girl said.

Lupin started to say, _but that was only because he was going to kill me anyway, and I thought I could destroy that collar_, but the girl's eyes glazed over, and Lupin kept quiet. The girl needed to rest; she'd been very badly hurt, even if she was a werewolf.

How much time had passed? There was barely any light coming from the windows. Evening then, and it had been late afternoon when the fight happened. The ward was full now, and bustling with activity, as Healers and orderlies ran between the beds checking on each patient, waving wands, dispensing potions.

"Professor Lupin!" It was Charles Willoughby, from the Ministry, coming over to her bedside. "I was so sorry to hear what happened!"

Lupin looked up into Willoughby's earnest face. "I'm all right, thanks to Severus and Moody, and the others. They got there just in time."

"Professor Snape is still at the Ministry with Arthur," Willoughby said. "They're making arrangements for protection, for all the werewolves – warning amulets, wards on their homes." He beamed. "They'll have the same protection under the law as any wizard, and Baron and his kind will be designated as criminals."

Lupin smiled back. "That's wonderful."

Willoughby nodded. "I'm here to get a list of the werewolves at the hospital, make arrangements for their care and all. Arthur will be over soon, too." He looked around the room, his eyes lit up in wonder. "Amazing. An entire pack."

_They just look like people to me_, Lupin thought. _In hospital robes, which was about as unglamorous as things get_.

"It's just terrible, what they have all had to endure," Willoughby went on. "I've heard some stories, from the werewolves who've already come to the Ministry, but to see it, like this." He shook his head. "It's not right."

"No, it isn't," Lupin said. A sly thought hit her. "You do know that Delores Umbridge was bitten? That she'll be a werewolf now."

A pained look crossed Willoughby's honest face. _He doesn't like her, either_, thought Lupin, _and he can't help but see the irony of it_.

"The Ministry has been made aware of the situation," Willoughby said, very carefully. "It's already being brought up, whether Madame Umbridge can stay employed at the Ministry, given the restrictions on the employment of werewolves." He was clearly trying to keep his face blank, but he wasn't succeeding well. Lupin could almost see it there, without him saying a thing, that Umbridge was responsible for most of those restrictions being there in the first place, and now she would be subject to them herself.

"Perhaps the anti-werewolf laws might be reconsidered?" Lupin said.

"Madame Umbridge will certainly no longer be such a force behind them," Willoughby said. "We might indeed see changes."

And he gave Lupin a smile. She smiled back. Willoughby's smile turned to a rather noble expression as he added, "So many innocent people have been reduced to such desperate straights from the current laws. They need our help."

_So young_, thought Lupin. _We don't want to need your help._

Willoughby swallowed, and looked down at Lupin. "Perhaps, you, too, might be able to work in the Ministry, Professor. You'd be very welcome in the Magical Creatures Department, I can tell you." His eyes had an odd look in them, and his fingers twitched, as if he wanted to take her hand. _He's only attracted to me_, thought Lupin. _It's no more than that. And it is flattering, no question_. She looked into his earnest, young face, and she had a sudden idea. "Mr. Willoughby," she said, "I wonder if you could do me a favor."

"Anything, Professor," Willoughby said.

"That young woman," Lupin nodded at the bed across from her, "she is badly wounded, worse than the others because she was trying to speak up for me. I don't know where she's from, but I think she could particularly do with some help. Could you do anything for her?"

Willoughby blinked at Lupin, and she went on. "I would appreciate it very much. She wouldn't be hurt if it weren't for me, you know."

"Oh," Willoughby said. "Oh, yes, of course."

He turned around and looked at the young girl, on the bed across from them. And she looked very pretty, even as hurt as she was. There was something very vulnerable about her. Willoughby froze for a moment. Then he stood up, and made his way cautiously to her bedside. Lupin could hear him speak, his voice very soft, and the girl turned to look at him. And she smiled, shyly.

It was just an introduction, Lupin thought. But they were both nice people, from what she could tell. Maybe something would happen.

She saw Willoughby smile, and look directly into the girl's eyes, in a way he had not looked at Lupin's. And the girl's eyes flicked down, then up again, and she smiled, and blushed. Lupin had seen that exchange of looks before, on many different faces. Male and female.

Maybe the girl already had someone – though, if she had been under Baron's power, that was unlikely. Maybe they wouldn't take at all. But Willoughby stayed by her bed for longer than he would have for an informal contact, and she didn't seem to mind. And he did seem to stop by her bed throughout the night.

Lupin looked away. Whatever happened, would happen.

Snape and Arthur came together, a little while later, while Willoughby was still interviewing werewolves. Snape sat down quietly in the same old chair by Lupin's bed. Arthur stood beside him.

"Remus!" Arthur said, "You gave us a fright!"

Lupin flushed. "I'm sorry, Arthur. I thought I could handle the situation myself. I didn't count on that collar."

Arthur frowned. "Harry brought the two collars in, the one you had, and the one on Delores. Nasty things. We've got people looking at them now. If someone like Baron could get hold of them, so could other unscrupulous people. It's a danger to all Wizards. It's got quite a lot of people's attention, I can tell you. Baron is on the Ministry's Top Most Wanted List right now, they've got people out everywhere looking for him."

"But he hasn't been caught yet?" Lupin asked.

Arthur's face fell. "No, but we're getting reports in, he's been sighted, in a number of places. He's been able to Apparate, unfortunately, and that makes him hard to trace."

"But it won't be long," he said, positively. "We've got a statement out to the Press about it. Baron's face will be on the front page of the Prophet tomorrow. Along with an article on the werewolf situation." He smiled at Lupin. "You're mentioned, as quite the heroine, I might add."

"As quite the idiot," Lupin said. "I let myself get taken. And I put a lot of other people in danger when they had to rescue me."

"Nonsense, Remus," Arthur said. "With that collar, they could have taken you easily, anytime. Or any one of us, just as they captured Delores," he added, with a very serious expression.

"Anyway," he went on, "you'll be pleased to hear that legislation is already being discussed that says any werewolf who tries to use his or her power to intimidate or threaten any other werewolf will be considered a criminal, and will be punished."

"Real protection at last," Lupin said.

"I'm just sorry it took something like this to bring it about," Arthur said. "Unfortunately, it usually does take a disaster to make changes happen."

Lupin smiled. Then it was all worth it, she thought. "I can't begin to thank you enough, Arthur, for all you've done."

Arthur flushed. "It's not just me, this was a group effort. And you were one of the ones most responsible, don't forget that. We're a team." He smiled. "Remember that, whenever you think you have to take things on all alone."

Now it was Lupin's turn to flush. "Point taken," she said.

"Now," said Arthur, standing a little straighter, "I need to check with Charles and get the record of everyone's names. Part of collecting information for the criminal charges against Baron. You get well, Remus." He smiled at her, and at Snape as well, before moving off to find Willoughby.

Lupin looked over at Snape, as he sat quietly in the chair. "I haven't said thank you. For saving my life," she said.

Snape shook his head. "No need."

"I really thought I was going to die," she said. "And then, there you were."

Snape did not answer; he simply looked at her.

"I saw the mirror," she said. "That's how you found me."

Snape nodded. "Miss Granger gave it to me, just this afternoon. She was concerned for your safety."

"Hermione saves the day, yet again," Lupin said. "I still have the one that tracks you, you know. Although I haven't used it since last summer; it's shut away in a drawer at home." _And I could sense you in it_, she thought. _Could you sense me? Did you feel it, when I was in danger?_

"Miss Granger has been most helpful," Snape said, in a careful tone of voice, which usually meant he was not saying all he thought.

A Healer came over. "Hello, Professor," she said, waving her wand over Lupin's body, up and down. She nodded. "Yes, you're doing very well. It's amazing, how quickly werewolves can heal."

"It's close to full moon," Lupin said. "That helps."

The Healer nodded. "Well, your wounds have already closed up." She smiled. "With any normal wizard, I'd say you'd be in hospital for at least a week, but at this rate, you'll be home much sooner than that."

_A week!_ Lupin's face fell. _I want to go home!_ But she couldn't even stand right now, much less fend for herself.

"Someone will come by in a few minutes with a sleeping potion," the Healer said. "You should sleep through the night, and then we'll see how you're doing in the morning."

And someone did come by, only moments later. Lupin drank the potion down, settled back in the pillows, and fell asleep within minutes.

She awoke the next morning, feeling a little better. She lay in bed with her eyes shut, hearing the sounds of the ward around her – she had the usual where-am-I thoughts at first, but the hospital had become so familiar. For a moment, she had the wild thought, _It was all a dream, I've just had the werewolf cure, I'm back to what I was before_. Then she thought, _No, I was turned into a woman, but I'm still back in the hospital, I never left, I never went home, Baron was a dream_. And then she became aware of all the werewolves in the room, and remembered everything. _But Baron is on the run_, she thought, _and everyone is free. This is much better. And I will be home soon_.

She opened her eyes. The room was light – not bright with full daylight, but the first light of dawn – everything was light grey, with soft tones of color.

She turned her head, and saw Snape in the chair beside her. He was asleep, his head leaning against the chair back. He had retrieved his cloak somehow – the one she had been wrapped in – and had pulled it around his shoulders.

He stayed all night, she thought. He hadn't needed to do that. He'd been here so late the night before. She looked at him, in the chair, with his pale face and huge nose, and his black hair all stringy and greasy again. And she found him so beautiful. His eyelashes, thick and black, lay against his cheeks. His hands, with pale, long fingers, holding the edges of his cloak. She wanted to reach out and touch him.

_It's full moon, close on_, she thought, _and I was in a fight for my life yesterday, as a wolf. The wolf is rising in me, and it will only get worse, over the next few days_.

_He came for me, yesterday. He had a mirror, he was watching out for me_.

_And he saw me, as an animal. As the monster that I am_.

She made herself turn away. It was torture, looking at him.

_I want to go home_, she thought. At home, she would be safe. It wasn't what she really wanted, but it was the most she could have.

Snape stirred, a little while later. She heard him, but pretended to be asleep. It was easier that way. She was too vulnerable right now. She opened her eyes only when she heard the others in the ward moving as well. She let her eyes flicker open, and was able to turn, and smile at him, with no trouble.

"You stayed," she said. "That chair does not look comfortable."

Snape stretched, moving his shoulders, then shrugged. "I've had worse." A flicker at his mouth. "I seem to remember you spending enough nights sitting on the floor next to me, when I'd been in a bad way."

Lupin sat up in the bed. _I could stand now, and walk_, she thought. In fact, she needed to. She swung her legs over the side of the bed. Snape stood, arms out to help her, but there was no need, she was able to stand. She still hurt, particularly as she walked over to the bathroom, but she could walk. Stiffly, with small steps, but she could.

When she went back to the bed, she set it so that she could sit up before lying back in the pillows. Severus had vanished for the moment – making a trip to the facilities on his own, presumably. He returned within minutes.

A Healer came by soon after, checking Lupin over with his wand. "Amazing," he said. "Even with the wounds you had yesterday. You'll be out of here in no time."

Lupin pursed her lips. "Could I go home now?" she asked.

The Healer frowned, then looked at Lupin's face. "Well," he said, thinking. "If you have someone to take you – you're in no condition to Apparate on your own. And you'll need to take healing potions regularly."

"I can see to that," Snape said. Lupin looked at him gratefully.

The Healer considered. "You promise you'll rest, for the next few days. Those wounds could still re-open."

"I promise," Lupin said.

"All right then," the Healer said. "You realize, if you didn't have these super healing powers, you'd be flat on your back for a week. You shouldn't even be able to stand now, you know."

The Healer said someone would bring up the healing potions Lupin needed, and after that, they could leave. An orderly came by soon after, with a bag of bottles and a schedule, which Snape took charge of before Lupin could get hold of it. Lupin didn't protest.

She swung her legs off the bed and stood up. Snape immediately wrapped his cloak around her, covering the meager hospital gown. She pulled it close around her. He held out his arm, and she leaned heavily on it as they walked slowly out of the ward, down the hallway, and into the elevators.

They had just stepped out of the elevator and into the reception area when Lupin saw Arthur coming across from the entrance. He saw them, and quickened his pace to meet them. He looked troubled.

"Remus," he said, and stopped.

"What is it?" Lupin asked.

Arthur frowned. "It's Baron."

"You've caught him!" Lupin said. That would be good news indeed.

But one look at Arthur's face told her that wasn't the case. "Moody, Kingsley and Tonks – they caught some of his lackeys," Arthur said. "But Baron, and most of his people have escaped. There's an alert out for him, but he could be anywhere, with that wizard Apparating for him."

Lupin nodded, and shrugged. Well, she hadn't thought it would be that easy.

Arthur still frowned. "They were only able to catch the ones they did because . . ." He stopped again, and looked down, then looked up again, and sighed. "It's about your house, Remus."

"What about my . . ." _My wards! They went down, the moment I became a wolf! All my wards are down!_ Lupin could feel the blood rushing out of her face, and she clutched at Snape's arm.

Then she Apparated, right from the St. Mungo's lobby.

She materialized on her front lawn. She should have been looking at the front of her house, the porch, the windows, the roof.

Instead, there were only piles of debris, and the great, ugly pit of the basement, now open to the sky. Her house had been destroyed.

Lupin stared, still not comprehending, at the piles of wreckage, and the gaping hole where her house had stood. _There has to be a mistake_, she thought. _I came to the wrong place_.

She heard banging sounds behind her – Snape and Arthur must have followed her, but she did not turn to look at them.

Pieces of timber, shingles, and plaster were everywhere. She took a step forward. By her foot, she saw a piece of board. For one moment, it was just a fragment of wood, and then, like a jigsaw puzzle piece, she suddenly recognized it from a bit of carving it had. It was from the door. She picked it up and looked at it, then looked at the place where the door had been.

She took another step. She could see into the basement now. It was half full of wreckage – timbers, plaster, shreds of cloth, pieces of broken crockery, shreds of paper with printed letters on them. _My books_, she thought.

A terrible stench hit her nose – it hadn't been enough to rip everything to shreds, they'd defecated on everything. Baron, marking his territory. A last gesture to her. Not even the most powerful and skilled wizards would be able to restore anything now.

Only one thing remained still standing. The one thing they couldn't destroy. Rising out of the debris, in the gaping hole of the basement, stood the cage, the iron bars still whole and strong, no longer hidden beneath the pleasant cottage above, but out, where everyone could see.

She sank to the ground at the edge of the hole, pulling Snape's cloak around her. _It must have been quite a party_, she thought. She could picture it, the pack of them, ripping everything to shreds. It wouldn't have taken them long, either, to reduce everything to this.

She felt something with her hand that wasn't the ground. She looked. It was a scrap of rubber. The red ball, or a piece of it. She picked it up and stared at it.

She felt a hand on her shoulder, and looked up. Snape was leaning over her. She didn't say anything, but she held the piece of the ball up and looked at it, then at him. She could feel herself start to shake.

"Remus," Snape said, gently, "there's nothing we can do here. We need to go."

"Where?" Lupin said, blinking. "Where do I go?"

"You're coming with me," Snape said. He took hold of her arms and lifted. She stood up. She felt dizzy, and Snape pulled her against him, so that all she could see was the darkness of his robes, feel the cloth against her cheek. Blackness surrounded them as he Apparated them away.

TBC


	18. Chapter 18

Title: Home's the Farthest Way

Chapter: 18

Author: ReeraTheRed

Date: June 23, 2005

Rating: PG13

Our story so far: In the last chapter, Lupin recovers at St. Mungo's from Baron's attack, only to find out that Baron has destroyed her house in the meantime.

Acknowledgements: Thanks to beta readers Patti, Michelle and Liz.

Author's Note: Just a little short chapter to tide you over until I get the next one out.

Note to anyone who had this story in a C2 archive – it's not showing up in any of the C2 archives it was in – something happened right after the recent upgrade the first time I added a chapter - before I added, the neat little counter showed it was in 7, and now it's 0.

As always, thanks so much for the reviews!

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Chapter 18 

They appeared in the sitting room of Snape's barren flat. Lupin stood, her head whirling, leaning against Snape's shoulder. _I cannot go on_, she thought. _I can't think of what to do_.

She turned her face up to his. He looked at her, and there was such sadness in his eyes. She felt the last shreds of her composure crumble, and she began to shake. She pressed her face against his shoulder, her face contorting as she tried to stop the tears.

Snape pulled her close, his arms around her, his hand in her hair as he held her against his shoulder. He pressed his cheek against the top of her head, and that did it. Violently, her body jerking, horrible sobs burst out of her – no words, just sounds that possessed her entire body. Anguish and agony, for her home, for herself, for everything that had happened in the last day, the last month, the last twenty years, for her entire life.

Snape lifted her up and carried her over to his chair. He sat, still holding her, and she curled up in his lap, face pressed against his chest, her body jerking with each sob, her face twisted beyond all recognition. Snape rocked her in his arms. "I know," he said, gently. "Let it out."

She didn't keep it up for long. She didn't have the energy, and sheer exhaustion set in. Her sobs grew softer, her body quieted, until she lay, breathing hard, still curled up, her face against his shoulder.

_I don't want to move_, she thought. _As long as I stay just like this, nothing more will happen. And I won't have to face anything_.

But she did have to face it. She tried to make her mind think, and it wouldn't.

"Severus," she said, her voice croaking, barely louder than a whisper. "What am I going to do?"

"Hush," Snape said. "Don't worry about it now."

She shook her head. "What am I going to do?" she said again, her voice desperate. "I've lost everything." She gulped. "My books. My wand. My home – how am I going to live? The pension money, it was enough when I had a house - "

"You're going to stay with me," Snape said.

She started shaking again. "I don't even have any clothes. Everything. Everything I had, everything I am -" She blinked. "I don't even have my own body -"

Snape put his fingers against her lips, closing her mouth. "Hush," he said again. "Remus, you're in shock, and you're still in bad shape from yesterday. You're in no condition to think about anything right now. Too much has hit you all at once."

She blinked at him, still shaking. He kept his fingers pressed against her lips, and he tightened his arm around her, hugging her close.

"What we will do now, is this," Snape said, his voice still very soft and even. "You're going to have a bath, and eat something, and then you will drink the first of your potions, and you will go to sleep. We can talk about things when you feel better."

She blinked at him again. He drew his wand and pointed it down the hall. She heard water start running in the bathroom. Snape slid his arms under her knees and shoulders and lifted her again. He carried her into the bathroom and set her down on the toilet.

He left the room for a moment, and she sat, watching the tub fill with water. She found it fascinating. She could hear Snape rummaging around in his potions room, and then he came back with a few bottles.

"These will help your wounds," he said, as he poured a little from the contents of each bottle into the tub. The water frothed and the room was filled with a crisp, pleasant scent.

When the tub was full, he pulled the cloak from her shoulders and set it aside. She sat listlessly as he did so. Then he knelt on the floor beside her, and untied the hospital gown with delicate fingers, carefully pulling it away. She let him. What did it matter? The gown wasn't hers, either.

He lifted her again, and let her slide into the water. She felt the warmth creep into her body as it flowed over her.

He left the room, leaving the door ajar. She lay in the water, and closed her eyes. The water felt good. _I want to just lie here forever_, she thought.

But, of course, she couldn't. If for no other reason than there was only the one bathroom, and Severus almost certainly wanted to use it as much as she did. He hadn't been home since yesterday, either. When the water began to cool down, she made herself wash. She even managed to drain the water out and use the shower to wash her hair, though she still knelt down on the bottom of the tub, not trusting herself to stand. Cleaning spells at the hospital had removed most of the blood, but bits of brown still came out in the water. She had to wash it several times before everything came out clear.

She pulled a towel off the rack and dried herself off, still squatting in the tub. Now what? She had no clothing.

She saw something white on the counter. A nightshirt. She hadn't noticed it before. She pulled it over her head. It was long enough to touch the floor. It was his nightshirt, she thought, as she felt it against her skin. _I'm in his nightshirt_.

She stepped out into the hallway, walking slowly and carefully, like an old woman, until she was back in the sitting room.

Snape was there. He stood up as soon as she came in, going into the kitchen and returning with a tray that contained two mugs and a plate of toast.

"Soup," said Snape, holding out a mug. "Courtesy of the Hogwarts House Elves. It appears they knew you were coming here."

She took the mug from him and stared at it.

"Your potion is in there, as well," Snape said. He handed her a piece of toast, and she stared at that, too.

"You must eat that, Remus," Snape said.

She nodded, and bit into the toast. It had no taste. She couldn't taste much of the soup, either, although it was warm, and that felt good, going into her.

Bit by bit, she made herself drink all the soup, and got down not just the first piece of toast, but a second one as well. The potion was definitely working; her eyes were drooping before she'd taken the last bite. Snape lifted her shoulders, helping her stand, and then guided her back to the bedroom – a room as plain and barren as the rest of the flat.

He helped her lie down, then pulled the covers over her, up to her chin. She closed her eyes. She heard him pulling things out of the wardrobe, then he left the room. She heard water running in the bathroom again. His turn, now.

_I'm in his bed_, she thought. _I'm wearing his nightshirt. Everything around me is his_. The thought was both comforting, and agonizing. Fortunately, she fell asleep soon after, listening to the sound of running water.

She slept most of the day. Snape came in several times, sometimes with a potion, sometimes with soup or warm milk. He would lift her up by her shoulders, and hold a mug to her lips as she swallowed, then he would let her down again and pull the covers back over her. Sometimes, she thought he stayed in the room and watched her, but she wasn't sure.

In the late afternoon, she was forced to get out of bed to use the bathroom. She shuffled out of the bedroom and across the hall. Everything still ached, and she was very weak.

When she left the bathroom, she found herself turning to the sitting room instead of returning to the bedroom. She found Snape sitting in front of the fireplace. The room smelled of floo smoke. He'd been talking to people. _About me_, she thought, with a flash of resentment. _Everyone's talking about poor Remus again_.

Snape looked up as she appeared in the doorway, and immediately came over, taking hold of her arm and guiding her over to a chair.

"How are you feeling?" he asked as he sat across from her in the other chair.

She frowned. "A little better. Still in shock, I think."

"_The Daily Prophet_ has a front page article, if you want to see," he said, handing the paper to her. "I'll get you some tea."

She read while he messed about in the kitchen. Baron's picture was on the front page. There were statements from Harry, Hermione, and Arthur. Snape's name was mentioned, along with Lupin's and Umbridge's.

"Arthur said the_ Prophet_ wants to interview you as well," Snape said, bringing in two cups of tea and handing one to her.

She shook her head, and felt herself turn pale.

"I told him you probably weren't up to it," Snape said. He took a sip of tea. "Arthur says Umbridge will be asked to leave the Ministry. He says they were going to ask her to leave anyway; this was just the final excuse."

Lupin looked at her tea. "I'm sorry. It's wrong that she be asked to leave just because she's become a werewolf."

"Her own laws," Snape said. "Arthur says the laws are in the process of being revoked, so she will likely be the last victim of them. She

might get hired again elsewhere." He took another sip of tea. "Arthur also says don't feel too sorry for her. She'll get a disability pension from the Ministry that is larger than the settlement you've received."

"It doesn't make it right," Lupin said.

"She's really being fired for what she's caused to happen to you," Snape said. "They simply cannot prove it."

Lupin stared at her tea. She forced herself to take a swallow.

"I've also been talking to Moody," Snape went on. "Baron has still eluded them. They think he's gone to the Continent, possibly even farther."

"He could elude capture for months, if he's Apparating," Lupin said. "He could elude them forever."

"It is unlikely he would come back here, though," Snape said. "He is not stupid. The innocent people he has terrorized are free of him now."

"I'd hate to see him simply find another group, though," Lupin said.

"There is a world wide search on for him," Snape said, "though, as you say, he could elude capture for a long while. It is unlikely he can stay in any one place for long, or do anything that will draw attention to himself, for fear of being discovered. He must spend the rest of his life in hiding." He looked at her. "Baron has been defeated, Remus. His power has been broken. His world has been destroyed. You have won. You know that."

Lupin gave a half-hearted nod.

Snape's eyes flicked down. He frowned, then looked up at her again. "However," he said, still frowning, "there is special concern for you. Moody thinks, and I agree, that Baron will be particularly angry with you, and may seek revenge. Your house could be just the beginning. You will have to be careful. It is better that you don't live alone, anymore."

_That's it_, she thought. _Remus must be taken care of, because Remus can't take care of herself_. She stared down at her knees, covered in Snape's nightshirt.

"I told Moody that would not be a problem, that you would be staying with me," Snape said. He took another sip of tea, and then said, very carefully, "I also told him to take the cage. He said the Aurors could use it."

Lupin caught her breath. She set her cup down on the coffee table, afraid she would spill it.

"You don't need it anymore," Snape said.

"I know," she said, in a voice barely louder than a whisper.

"And you have no place to keep it," Snape said. "The house is completely destroyed, there is nothing salvageable."

"I know," Lupin said, again.

"Lupin, you could have lost the house during the war," Snape said gently. "You know that. Other people lost a good deal."

"Yes." Lupin still stared, then she took a deep breath. "And I'd choose to lose the house in a heartbeat over losing someone I care about." She closed her eyes. "But it was still all I had. I could be independent, as long as I had the house."

"Give it time," he said. "Your main concern now is to get well." He stood up. "And it is time for another potion." He went into the kitchen, returning with a mug, which Lupin drank down obediently.

He helped her walk to the bedroom, and back into bed.

For the rest of the day, and throughout the night, she slept, off and on. Snape continued to bring her potions, and to feed her, and to help her walk to the bathroom and back, until she had her last potion, late at night, and fell asleep until morning.

TBC

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Author's Note: Next time, the final chapter, the one you've been waiting for . . . 


	19. Chapter 19

Title: Home's the Farthest Way

Chapter: 19

Author: ReeraTheRed

Date: June 24, 2005

Rating: PG13

Acknowledgements: Thanks to beta readers Patti, Michelle and Liz.

Author's Note: Okay, here it is, THE LAST CHAPTER. What you've all been waiting for. The Happy Ending. Within (I hope) a PG-13 rating. Hope you enjoy.

* * *

Chapter 19 

She awoke to the sound of running water in the bathroom. Bright light shone through the window. Morning.

The sound of water stopped, and soon after, Snape came in with the first healing potion of the day.

"This one will not put you to sleep," he said, holding the mug out to her. "Though I can give you a sedative if you feel you need one."

She took it. "I feel a little better. Physically." Mentally was another thing, but she didn't say that.

"The bathroom is free," Snape said. "When you've showered, there's some breakfast waiting."

He left the room, and she swallowed her potion, then got up and showered. There was a fresh nightshirt waiting, and she pulled it over her head. She noticed a dressing gown left for her on the door when she came out into the hall. Black, of course. She pulled it on, and shuffled out to the sitting room, which had changed a bit. Snape had transfigured one of the chairs into a sofa; he must have slept there last night, though he was sitting in the remaining chair.

She sat on the sofa. Breakfast was out on the coffee table, plates already filled. Mostly very bland food, she noted. How did the House Elves know she'd moved here? She was hungry and she had no trouble eating everything on her plate. She saw Snape watching her, with something like approval on his face.

"So," she said, "any more news? Have you spoken with anyone?"

Snape nodded. "Yesterday, and this morning." He seemed to be considering. _He feels he has to be diplomatic with me_, thought Lupin. _Which means he's going to tell me things I won't want to hear._

"I spoke with Albus," Snape said. "He's very concerned about you. He and I discussed . . . several things. He agrees that it's best that you stay with me. Indefinitely."

_I don't think I could handle that_, Lupin thought. _It's not so bad right now, I'm too tired, too exhausted. But I will be well, soon. To be around him, all the time, it would be more than I could bear_. But she couldn't think of any excuse, any way to tell him she couldn't stay with him.

Snape re-filled her teacup and passed it to her. "This flat is definitely too small for the two of us, you'll agree. When you're better, I'd like you to go out with me and see that house I was telling you about. It's still available. If it suits you, I can get it. Or we could look further."

"You don't need my approval to get a place of your own," Lupin said.

"We may as well consider this a permanent arrangement. As you said, Baron could elude capture for years. And he has a grudge against you." Snape settled back in his chair. "Besides, it's safer for me as well. There are those who resent my role in the last war who might decide to take revenge against me. It is better for both of us to have someone else, watching."

"I suppose so." The words came out of Lupin's mouth mechanically. She took a swallow of tea and stared into her cup. _He's awfully casual about living with a woman_, she thought, and her heart fell even further. _All the more proof that he doesn't think of me as such. Well, how could he?_

_I'll have to tell him the truth_, she thought.

"I have also taken the liberty of ordering you some clothing," Snape said. "Madame Malkin's sent over a device that took measurements, while you were asleep. They'll be sending over some things for you to try on. When you feel better, we'll go to Ollivanders and get you a wand."

"Madame Malkin's and Ollivanders," Lupin said out loud. That was expensive. "It will take me a long time to pay you back."

"We'll talk about that later," Snape said. "Don't worry about it."

Lupin set her teacup down. "All right," she said. _But it's not all right, not at all_. She felt resentment rising in her, and she said, almost without realizing it, "And what did they think at Madame Malkin's, when you ordered a set of lady's clothing?"

Snape grew very still for a moment, but only for a moment. He turned to look directly into her eyes. "I told the saleswitch that we were affianced," he said, casually.

Lupin blinked. "You said what?" She meant to say it in a normal tone, but the words came out in a faint squeak.

"I said we were affianced," he said. He wore his blankest, most innocent expression. "We are, aren't we? After all, I just fought for you. I believe there are precedents, allowing me to claim your hand."

Lupin's mouth opened, but nothing came out.

"I spoke with Albus about the legalities," Snape went on. "He has the power to perform the ceremony itself, whenever we're ready. I personally would prefer to keep it to just the two of us, though I suppose you will want some kind of celebration. Or if you don't, all your friends will."

Lupin's mouth still hung open. She felt dizzy, and she could feel herself turning pale. _I can't think of what to say. I can't think of ANYTHING. This is too many shocks in too few days_.

Snape flushed and he looked down. "I am sorry, Remus. This is not how I planned to go about this. I did not count on Baron. I know you are not ready to hear this. But circumstances being what they are . . ."

Lupin shook her head, as if to clear it. "It's . . . it's certainly not what I expected."

Snape went still for a moment. Then he sighed, got up from his chair, and moved to sit next to her on the sofa. "I believe tradition demands that these kinds of things be said on bended knee," he said. "But I have knelt before too many people in my life. And I don't think you want that. So I will sit beside you, instead. As an equal, and a friend."

"We make a good team, you and I," he went on. "We work well together. We compensate for each other's deficiencies." He raised an eyebrow. "I personally prefer a more traditional domestic arrangement. I will certainly earn enough to support us both, so there is no need for you to concern yourself with earning a paycheck." At the sight of Lupin's frown, he said, "If you object to living off of what I earn, ask yourself, do you think Molly Weasley does not contribute equally in her marriage? Even if she is not working at a job outside the home?"

"No, of course not," Lupin said, automatically.

"Then I don't want any nonsense about you not sharing the money I bring in," he said. "I would prefer to turn over the domestic responsibilities to you completely, and those are considerable, even with the help of House Elves. And I would welcome your assistance in running the business end of the potions work - dealing with people, and students. You would be far better at that than I am. And you can still work with Moody on any consulting for the Aurors. But what I earn is ours, not mine. That is my contribution. You will contribute in other ways, and they are even more important, to me. Never forget that."

Lupin's head was spinning.

"Nor do I want to hear any more complaining from you about how you always have to be taken care of," Snape said. "As far as I am concerned, you'll be taking care of me."

Her eyebrows shot up, and she had to smile at that. He was almost smiling, too – well, as much as he ever smiled. His eyes were bright. _I don't think I've ever seen him with quite that look on his face before_, she thought.

She unconsciously picked up her teacup, and tried to sip, but it was empty. Only the jumble of tea leaves at the bottom.

_My future is in my own hands_.

_It's what I want. I'm just too tired. Why couldn't this have happened a few days ago?_

She looked at him, at his dear, homely face. His cold mask had slipped, just a little. There was warmth there, and something flickering in his eyes. _He's laughing at me. He knows he has the upper hand, and he's enjoying it. Controlling bastard_.

She fell against his shoulder, and started to sob quietly.

Snape had enough sense to pull her into his lap, rock her gently, and say, "I'm so sorry, Remus. It will be all right. You'll see."

x-x-x

They were just finishing up breakfast the next day - Snape sat in his chair, Lupin sat on the sofa, the blankets and pillows Snape had used to sleep there last night neatly folded and stowed away - when there was a banging at the window. Snape looked up, nodded in satisfaction, and went to open it. Three very large owls flew inside and set down a number of boxes. Ornate lettering read "Madame Malkin's Robes For All Occasions."

"That's rather a lot," Lupin said, dubiously, as Snape closed the window after the owls when they'd flown away.

"I'll just take these back to the bedroom for you," he said, picking up the boxes, and ignoring her comment. "You can try them on when you feel up to it."

_Which would be today_, she thought. Full moon was tonight, and they both knew what that meant. She would become better throughout the day as moonrise approached, and tomorrow, she should be completely well. Neither of them had said out loud what that meant, but there was an unspoken anticipation between them.

Not that anyone else could probably tell, Lupin thought. At least, not looking at Snape, who was as distant and proper as ever.

Snape insisted on cleaning up after breakfast, without her help. He didn't exactly shoo her back into the bedroom, but his meaning was clear. Oh well, she'd have to face it sooner or later. And anyway, she was ready to get out of nightshirts and dressing gowns.

The boxes were laid out on the bed, shipping strings undone, but otherwise unopened. She lifted the lids on each, and unfolded rustling tissue paper to reveal beautiful piles of fabric in rich colors. She would definitely not look like a scruffy professor in these. She felt a sudden, deep longing for her old patched cloak and robes, her comfortable friends. So different from these glamorous strangers.

She held things up to get a good look at them. These were the robes of an elegant, well-to-do woman of good taste. Nothing extravagant or gaudy, the lines were simple and understated. Minerva would approve. But they were expensive – the material was excellent quality, and even holding them up, she could feel the drape and weight.

_Much too fine for me_, she thought. The idea of adorning her body seemed so ridiculous. _This is more appropriate for someone young and beautiful. Not this middle-aged carcass of mine_.

She could protest. But she was too tired. And he knew that, didn't he? He'd just look at her, and then say it was time for a healing potion, which he was using to divert her these past few days, she noticed.

There were undergarments as well. Silkier and much lacier than those she'd had before. And they fit, so she couldn't send them back on that account. She took a look at herself in the mirror, and flushed just looking at what she saw.

_But if I were still a man, and had the funds, I'd have loved to see my wife in something like this._

There were even some very lovely women's nightgowns, nothing like the more masculine nightshirts she'd been wearing. Had he seen any of this when he placed the order, she wondered. The very idea of Snape picking out women's clothing, particularly the more intimate garments, made her laugh. No, probably not. Snape was even less likely to be knowledgeable about female clothing than she had been, as a man. He'd probably just said he needed to equip a lady with everything, and negotiated a sum. Madame Malkin's was known for elegance and good taste; it would have been safe to leave things in their hands.

_Well_, she thought, _I will insist that he get things equally nice for himself then. I'll get them for him_. Severus had already said he wanted to turn the bills and such over to her. Division of labor and all. She would not be powerless in this relationship, not by a long shot, and he did need taking care of.

She put on robes of soft brown that were fine for everyday wear, and went back out to the sitting room.

Snape looked up as she came in. He didn't exactly smile, and she couldn't say that his eyes lit up, either, but he seemed pleased. She found her annoyance melting away at the sight of him, and her eyes flickered down, then up again, and a shy smile appeared on her face. _I'm doing it_, she thought. _He gave me that look, and I responded, instinctively. Male and female_.

"Do you approve?" she asked, holding out the skirts of the robes.

"Very much," he said.

"Then I'll keep it," she said, sitting down on the sofa next to his chair. "Thank you, Severus."

He frowned, and looked down.

She stayed dressed all that day, though she did nap during both the morning and afternoon, lying stretched out on the sofa. Snape read aloud to her, or simply read quietly to himself while she slept.

She was hungry again, finally. Getting well. The House Elves seemed to know it, because they stopped bringing soup and dry toast, and brought more substantial things for lunch and dinner that day. She and Snape stretched dinner out for a long time that evening, talking, eating slowly.

After dinner, she found an old sheet, and began to cover the sofa with it. Snape looked at her disapprovingly, but she said, firmly, "When I'm a wolf, I like the sofa. It's what I'm used to, and the clean up is easier."

Snape continued to frown.

"It's what we've always done," she said. "I'll feel very strange if I'm in the bed and you're on the sofa tonight." She smiled and touched his hand.

He froze, and looked at her fingers against his for a long moment. He seemed to consider, and then nodded his head in acquiescence. "All right," he said, picking up an end of the sheet to help her.

They finished, and she went back to the bedroom, where she undressed. All her new finery had been stowed in a wardrobe, and she put the things she was wearing in with the others, until she stood naked.

She pulled on a cloak, and walked back to the sitting room, where Snape sat on the sofa, waiting. Not in his chair, but that was also normal. _At full moon, we sit on the sofa together, and I am comforted by his presence_.

She sat down beside him and waited, watching the light dimming in the window. The moon was already up, it was only the last rays of the sun that were overriding it. She could feel it, as the sun disk slipped over the horizon, and she stood up and went to the middle of the room.

She could feel the change coming on her, and had a moment of panic. _I haven't taken the Wolfsbane potion, what will happen? What if the cure doesn't work? Maybe something happened when it went wrong - maybe it would only work that once_.

Her fear must have shown in her face, because she felt Snape's hand on her shoulder as he moved to stand behind her. She touched his hand with hers, but only for an instant, as she fell forward, and the change took her.

And, of course, the cure worked, and only her body changed around her, her mind remained hers. No terrible surge of rage and madness possessing her. No pain in the change itself. Just her body growing around her, the surge of power and strength in her wolf muscles, the tickling as hair sprouted from her skin. And the odd sensation of having a tail.

She collapsed onto the floor, suddenly weak. The change took a lot out her, though she could feel the healing powers kicking in. Snape knelt beside her, pulling off the cloak. She looked into his face, and licked his cheek. He ran his fingers along the top of her wolf head, and down under her chin, and she leaned her head into his hand.

He helped her up onto the sofa, then sat beside her. He had offered to take her out, to the beach, or a grassy field, the lawns of Hogwarts or the lake, but she hadn't felt up to it. Maybe tomorrow, but tonight, they would stay in. As they'd done for so many times, over the last three years, Snape would read quietly on the sofa while Lupin curled up next to him. Lupin would fall asleep, and Snape would retire to the bedroom until the next morning.

She curled up, and leaned her head against his thigh, while he picked up his book and read, holding the book in one hand, rubbing her ears with his other, until she fell asleep.

But it was still early, and Snape kept reading, his free hand on her head. He glanced at her every so often, watching her great sides go up and down as she breathed. She was smaller as a female than she had been as a male, but she was still enormous, far more massive than she was in her human body. But Snape was quite used to the sight now. If he'd ever had thoughts about sitting easily next to a monster, they'd died long ago. The idea of Lupin being a monster was impossible.

And it happened. She'd eased her nose onto his lap, while asleep. Lupin always did, whenever she fell asleep early and Snape stayed beside her. If Snape stayed much longer, she'd inch her way further until her entire head lay in his lap, and then she'd try to follow with as much of the rest of her as would fit. There had been that embarrassing time, the very first night he'd stayed at Lupin's, when Snape had fallen asleep on the sofa, and had awakened the next morning with Lupin lying on top of him, to the distress of them both.

Snape kept reading, feeling her head creeping further. He ran his fingers deep into her soft fur and stroked her muzzle, and she made happy murmuring sounds in her throat.

She was inching up his chest when he decided it was late enough, and he was tired. He put his book down and looked at her, the great, shaggy wolf's face, eyes closed, breathing easily. Just a great big dog, really. He slid down a little, to get more comfortable, moving carefully so as not to wake her, though that was probably not necessary. Lupin, in recovery mode, would sleep like the dead until morning.

He called out a command to extinguish the lamp, leaving them in darkness. He wrapped his arms around her, and Lupin snuggled happily against him, making a little whimpering noise.

It wasn't comfortable sleeping on the sofa, but he could manage for one night. Tomorrow, he would insist on the bed.

x-x-x

She was aware of the first rays of dawn, and her body collapsing back into its human shape.

_I feel well_, she thought. _Nothing like being badly wounded to make you appreciate feeling whole again_.

She wasn't on her own sofa, she was not in her own home. She remembered. Her home had been destroyed. She would never be going to back to it anymore, never waking up on her old sofa in the sitting room, in front of the fireplace. She felt her throat close up at that thought.

But she was never going back in the cage, either. The cage was gone.

She remembered. She was in Severus's flat, on his sofa.

Which was lumpier than a sofa ought to be.

She knew, without opening her eyes, or feeling with her hands. He had not gone back to his own bed last night, he had stayed with her. And she was lying across his chest, her head on his shoulder, only his nightshirt between them.

She could hear his heart beating. Too fast for someone who was asleep, no matter how still he lay or how quietly he breathed. _He's been lying here, awake. Waiting_.

She opened her eyes now, though all she could see was his chest, and, just above, his jaw and throat. _It's full moon, and the wolf is in me still_, she thought. She turned her face just a little, and kissed him, right above his collarbone. She felt him shiver.

"Good morning," she said.

She felt him move beneath her, to shift and stretch a little, then she heard him say "Good morning," in a low rumble. His hand came up, and he ran his fingers through her hair.

Now it was her turn to shiver, and she nuzzled at his neck. _I suppose I should get off of him_, she thought. _I've probably been lying on top of him the whole night, he's got to be stiff at the very least_. But she didn't move. And he made no motion to dislodge her.

"How are you feeling?" he asked.

"MUCH better," she said. She pushed herself up so that she could look him in the face, then leaned forward and kissed his nose. He stiffened, then relaxed.

"I'm very glad to hear it," he said, when she pulled back and looked at him.

Black eyes, looking at hers. _Is he reading me? He's a Legilimens, after all. Do I care?_ Long pale face, thin neck rising out of his nightshirt and dressing gown. Black hair falling forward. She could see lines of silver in the black, and she reached up with one hand, to stroke his hair out of his face.

Then she leaned forward and pressed her lips against his. He froze, and she could hear him catch his breath. His lips parted beneath hers, and she let her tongue go gently into his mouth. Softness, wet, cooler than her own mouth. Morning breath, of course. But then she had werewolf breath herself. She didn't mind, and he didn't seem to, either. His hand tightened in her hair, and pushed her head against him.

When she eventually pulled away from him, he gasped. _I took his breath away_, she thought.

She settled against his shoulder again, and began to work on the top button of his nightshirt. "Why is it always me who's naked?" she remarked, as she undid the first button, and began on the second.

"One of the conditions of being a werewolf," he said. He was trying very hard to remain composed, but she could feel the tiny tremors in him. He wasn't unhappy, his gentle hands told her that, fingers in her hair and along her back. But he was shaking.

_Are you a virgin, my friend_, she wondered. It was very likely. He was almost certainly not very experienced. _Well, it's not as if I have had many opportunities in my own life_, she thought, _and those I had were a very long time ago. Never mind being in a completely different body. He's not the only one a little frightened_.

She had enough of his nightshirt undone now to expose quite a bit of his chest. Pale, white skin. She nuzzled against it, kissing him gently, and she felt a tremor run all the way through him.

He leaned down now, lifting her face and pressing his own lips against hers, and this time, it was his tongue that came into her mouth. Cool and soft. Her hand moved to run through his hair, and her body pushed against his. Just that thin bit of cloth between them.

"This sofa is a little narrow," he said, in his velvet voice, when they had pulled apart.

"It is," she said, nuzzling his ear. She gave a gentle lick with her tongue, and he shivered. He kissed her throat, then kissed her again at the base of her neck, then moved lower down. A shiver ran through Lupin all the way to her toes.

"There is a perfectly fine bed, in the other room," he murmured. "That didn't get used last night, because someone insisted on sleeping on the sofa."

"We'll have to do something about that, tonight," she said. She started to move her hands, exploring lower down.

"Yes," he said, trying not to gasp.

"Of course," she said, "the bed is all the way back there." She looked at him innocently.

He closed his eyes, and almost – ALMOST – smiled. Then he looked at her, and it was The Look, or his version of it, his black eyes staring directly into hers, a light there, a want. And she felt her eyes drop, and the smile cross her face, her cheeks flushing, her eyes flicking back up to meet his.

He rose, lifting her up in his arms. She threw her own arms around his neck as she felt herself rise in the air, and laid her head against his shoulder as he carried her down the hall, and back to his bare bedroom. _We'll have to do something about that_, she thought. _About the furniture, all through the house. I'm the wife, I'm supposed to fix him up_.

_I've been fixing him for years now, after all_.

He managed, a little awkwardly, to pull the covers back enough that he could lay her on the bed. She felt his weight as he moved to lie beside her, pulling the covers over them both. _He's got body issues_, she thought. _I know he thinks he's ugly. We'll have to work on that, too_.

She cuddled against him, and he kissed her forehead, then pushed her back against the pillows, and began in earnest.

He wasn't experienced, but he was so gentle, so respectful. And he was not stupid. Maturity and patience, and she was mature enough herself to value that far more than reckless abandon, particularly when it was all new and strange to her as well, in this woman's body of hers.

Later, his head lying against her breast, he said, "I never believed anyone would find joy in my touch. Not like this."

She kissed the top of his head, and stroked his hair, and said, "I love you." She felt the tremor that ran through him, and felt his arms pull tight around her, his head press against her.

He didn't say it back, she thought. He probably never will. Not in words. But he says it in other ways.

There would always be problems, she knew. He would never be easy to live with. He would never be normal.

_He will always suffer from depression. He will always be difficult. He will always struggle with his own nature, his rage, his need to control. He is much better, but he will probably never be fully well. He's been through too much._

_But he has survived_, she thought, looking at him. That was a wonder in itself. _He has more courage than anyone I know. He has withstood so much. He never gave up, enduring every horror, every agony, sustained only by the knowledge that what he was doing was right, with no hope of sharing in any reward at the end, or even gratitude. How can I not love someone like that?_

He was right, she would be taking care of him. And he would take care of her.

And it was enough.

THE END

* * *

Author's Note: This is formally finished as of this chapter. I may or may not do some one-shot sequels to this. If I do, I'll put them as later chapters of this story. 

I cannot thank you all enough for your support. I would never have been able to make it through all of this without it.

Plans are now to work on an original novel of my own, but who knows how I'll feel after the next book comes out. Have to pass the two years until the seventh book somehow, after all.

So here's looking forward to Half Blood Prince (making all our fics AU).


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